Monday, August 29, 2005

Dane Barbados Jr. Presents: Bully Jack


I, Dane Barbados Jr., have decided to give you all a respite from the sheer grandiosity that is I. One can only have so many joyous mental orgasms before a break is needed...and frankly Dane Barbados Jr. has better things to do.

I present you a comrade: Bully Jack. Enjoy sycophants.



Where have all the Rockstars gone? - VMA's edition.
So the MTV Video Music Awards were held this past Sunday in Miami, since my pal Dane wouldn't be caught dead watching or even mingling with such "inferior" celebrities such as the MTV crowd, I guess it's up to me, Bully Jack to let you all know what's what.
First off just let me say this...There are no more Rockstars! I mean seriously, Kanye West? 50 Cent? puh-leez those rappers have about as much charisma as a rock stuck in mud. Even the new "rockstars" are pathetic...."My Chemical Romance" ? That's a great name for a band and all, but you'd think with such a clever name they'd actually be at least kinda good. While we're at it, someone put an APB out of Greenday circa mid nineties, I don't know who these old "pussy punk" rockers were who showed up tonight.
Since this years VMA's was award-winningly sucky, I feel it only right to hand out a few awards of my own.

Best Impersonation of a baby horse with cancer: Hillary Duff
I mean really, have you seen her sickly frame, big feet, and huge mouth, looks like she should be at a petting zoo.

The Drug Dealer stole my body Award: Lindsay Lohan
Is there any surprise that she'd win that one?

The "I'm a Slut and No One Cares Award": Paulina Rubio
Seriously, who is this foreign broad? She needs to be cleaning my toilet...right now.

The "I'm famous but want to be famous for being a slut" Award: Eva Longoria
What a trooper, she just exposed her meaty muff print for the world to see...for no reason at all. I'm sure her boyfriend, and her family are so proud.

The "Thanks you just turned my girlfriend gay" Award: Shakira
Say what you want about the silly spanish yodeler, but after her vitruoso hip swiveling performance there was not a dry seat in the house, for all the women in attendance and watching at home mentally pictured themselves being ravished by Shakira in a no holds barred tribadism marathon.

The "Because of me, some black girl has no ass" Award: Kelly Clarkson
Need I say more. And unlike my little pony Hilary Duff, Kelly Clarkson looks like a horse in the best way, from the waist down.

The "Somebody spiked my blow with herion" Award: Jessica Simpson
No amount of praying, no rapture of the holy spirit, no amount of "Jesus Juice" can make you act so goofy...no way!. Her behavoir had to be the result of low grade heroin... Damn you Johnny Knoxville for tainting America's dumb blonde Sweetheart.

The "Please take me to jail" Award: R. Kelly
It's not enough that he ruined some girl's life by way of a super soaking with his own urine, but he had to go and ruin the whole awards show with a god awful performance. Who the hell is Kathy, who the hell is Rufus? Who the hell cares...you're going to jail R. Kelly.

Best Crossdressing Male Award: 50 Cent
Just what in the hell was "Fiddy" wearing? Leather jeans and a Cami? I mean really, I hope Larry David and the people at Seinfeld got paid because he was definately wearing a "Bro" or "Man-zere." Who new ganster rappers liked to dress so femininely now-a-days.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Dane Barbados Jr. on: Lindsay Lohan, VMA edition


She's "hot" how? Feh sycophants.
That is all.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Dane Barbados Jr. on: Tara Reid

Although I'm sure that the people will be as shocked as Dane Barbados Jr. was I cannot withold such a bombshell from my adoring public. The upstanding, highly intelligent, immensely talented Tara Reid has just issued this statement after months of long denial:

Tara Reid has confessed to having breast surgery. The 'American Pie' star has long denied going under-the-knife but has now admitted she has had her chest surgically enhanced. She said: "I mean, everyone does it. I don't know why I'm the one who gets so much attention?

Dane Barbados Jr., for one, does not believe this statement to be true, although Tara Reid would surely NEVER lie to us. She's far too upstanding and absolutley NOT a cocaine addict. Uh-uh, no way, says Dane Barbados Jr.

It's plain to anyone that Ms. Reid's smallish, sagging, b-cups could transform into stone-like, rigid, titanic d-cups in only the most completely natural of ways WITHOUT the aid of cosmetic surgery.

Her nipples you ask? The ones that look like they've been rudely cut off, rearranged like jigsaw pieces and then haphazardly stapled back onto her rockhard supertits? "Feh" says Dane Barbados Jr. This is surely naught but the most natual of phenomena that just happens to look like a discount breast augmentation hackjob. Coincidence says I.

Only swine jealous of the outright beauty of Ms.Reid dare claim the her (cough) wondrous frankennipples are anything but jealous. The are as vapid and wanton as the fools who claim that Ms.Reid is a cocaine addict. For shame. Dane Barbados Jr. asks you: Is this the look of a coked out, has-been, surgery butchered Hollywood whore?

I say thee nay. Dane Barbados Jr. would tell Ms.Reid that petty detractors will always attempt to tear down such beautiful, radient, entities such as you and I. Actually, I would not even place Dane Barbados Jr. in your category. I simply do not belong there.

For your dubious admission about your supposed breast implants I would like to present you, Ms.Reid with an award. Congrats.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Dane Barbados Jr. on: I Dream of Jeanie and Hollywood



Whilst browsing the interweb I, Dane Barbados Jr., found myself nearly swallowed alive by a varitible blackhole of anti-talent.

It seems that the casting in the Hollywood remake of "I Dream of Jeanie" is...

...let's all wait for it shall we?

...Jessica Alba and Jimmy Fallon.

My God.

Dane Barbados Jr. is forced to ask himself: How stupid are these Hollywood mortals? Dane Barbados Jr. cannot be the only person to notice that any movie starring Jimmy Fallon is an autobomb at your multiplexes. Whilst I know that I am above you surely this observation could be made by an epileptic preschooler.

What move starring Jimmy Fallon has been a blockbuster? I caution you not to think too hard on that one.

And, as has been established, Jessica Alba is no great thespian. It truly seems as if this is yet another film hoping to earn it's revenue not on a finely crafted story, nor finely tuned acting, but on attempting to forcefeed the people that Jessica Alba is "hot."

Feh.

And, of course, when this movie fails miserable, as it invariably will, the filmmakers will all look at each other with trogloditic looks of childlike stupidity and wonder why it happened.

I read in your newspapers that Hollywood is agog and confused, wondering why it is that fewer and fewer patrons are paying exhorbitant fees to see their tripe. They foolishly attempt to scapegoat "pirates."

Dane Barbados Jr. will solve the mysery with this statement to Hollywood:

STOP FUCKING MAKING REMAKES ALREADY DOUCHEBAGS!

Allow me to prepare a list for you:

-I Dream of Jeanie
-War of the Worlds
-Dukes of Hazzard
-Bewitched
-The Grude
-The Ring
-Dark Water
-Insomnia
-Vanilla Sky
-Assult on Pricinct 13
-The Longest Yard
-Badnews Bears
-Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
-Solaris
-Mr. Deeds
-The Time Machine
-The Manchurian Candidate
-Charlie's Angels
-Scoobie Doo
-I Spy
-Willard
-The Amityville Horror
-Dawn of the Dead
-King Kong
-Godzilla
-The Haunting
-Rollerball
-The Stepford Wives
-Swept Away
-The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
-Psycho
-Planet of the Apes
-Fat Albert
-Starsky & Hutch
-Cheaper by the Dozen
-Freaky Friday
-The Alamo
-Ocean's Eleven
-The Ladykillers
-The Adam's Family
-The Mod Squad
-Lost in Space
-The Flintstones
-The Beverly Hillbillies
-Maverick
-The Brady Bunch Movie
-Thunderbirds
-The Italian Job


That list is purely from the top of my angelic and oft-revered head and spans perhaps 15 years. Want to get the posteriers of the public into your multiplexes Hollywood? Here's two hints: Stop fucking making half-assed movies with half-assed actors pushing half-assed sex appeal and try to hijack some fucking originality.

If Hollywood was a person it would find my glistening spittle upon it's face and an impression of my mountain shaking foot implanted firmly in it's ass.

Remember kids, Dane Barbados Jr. says: Fuck cheap Hollywood pandering.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Dane Barbados Jr. on: a nobody

Recently whilst perusing my comments (of which there are few) I ran across this delightful little nugget from an adoring fan:

"falsepersona said...

Mr. Barbados Jr.: With due respect to your claimed superiority, I pray that your postings are meant to engender laughter. Otherwise, the arrogance/insecurity you live with must be exceedingly painful."

First of all let me utter a melodic, deep-voiced, guffaw at the notion of someone calling themselves "falsepersona" calling Dane Barbados Jr. insecure. It truly is to laugh.

Unfortunately in this pseudopod's unrepentant zeal to remain forever three steps behind me and utterly in the darkest reaches of my shadow they seemed to have missed that hypocrisy.

Is Dane Barbados Jr. arrogant? Of course he is. If you were he you would be arrogant as well. Only a fool takes no pride in his accomplishments.

The only pain Dane Barbados Jr. feels is when peircing an exceedingly taught vulva or whilst sparring with the Monarch, Dane Barbados Sr. No other times. I have the constitution of a God and will waste not the honeyed spittle from betwixt my lips or a golden stream of justice from my righteous bladder for such petty detractors as these. Their jealousy is resounding.

I will state again: Dane Barbados Jr. cares not if you derive laughs from his story, he cares not if you cry, he cares not if you are enraged. Dane Barbados Jr. is above you and is to be taken at face value.

Dane Barbados Jr. will berate you, he will laugh at you, but he will never lie to you.

For this, you may love him.

Dane Barbados Jr. on: Jessica Alba

Oh the people ask me, they ask: "Oh Dane Barbados Jr. you sure do like Scarlett Johansen, you must love Jessica Alba."

I spit upon those people's upturned, adoring, faces. Dane Barbados Jr. love Jessica Alba? Feh.

Dane Barbados Jr. reveres women of talent and class, not merely garden variety "beauty."

And Dane Barbaods Jr. would consider Jessica Alba no more beautiful than the scullery maids whom clean his palatial villa in the mountains.

Not to mention that the "woman" is devoid of all but the most rudimentary acting ability. There was once a time when I would have said otherwise, circa "Idle Hands." But alas, as time wore on this strumpet seemed more than willing to waylay the sharpening of her craft to rest on the laurels of her internet "she's hot" stalker brigade.

Not to mention that, in interviews and candid moments she comes of as a trifle more than a bit of a vacuous tart that revels in being a "diva"...or in more heterosexual terms...a "bitch."

Why would Dane Barbados Jr. fancy such a creature when he can pick amongst the world's most learned and voluptious goddesses? For those of you who are particularly slow on the upkeep: He would not.

And let's not forget that Ms. Alba is the unfortunate possessor of the disgusting physical trait of the abnormally long second toe which instantly causes the golden hued gorge of Dane Barbados Jr. to rise.

Feh. The horror.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Dane Barbados Jr. on: Stephen King



That is all.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Dane Barbados Jr. on: Women

The people say to me, they say: "Dane Barbados Jr....why do you hate women so much?"

To these people Dane Barbados Jr. responds: "You are horrendously stupid."

Let the clarion call go out to the people, I, Dane Barbados Jr., do not hate women, I revere women, worship them, sing songs about them, dream naught but of them (in various positions) during my sleep of Kings.

Dane Barbados Jr. hates bitches.

Dane Barbados Jr. hates females of celebrity whom parade the notions that being an uneducated, vacuous whore is something that women should be.

Dane Barbados Jr. hates females whom weight naught but the weight of a stack of loose-leaf paper whom put forth the notion that you have to be as skinny as twig and must posess ribs exposed enough to play a xylephone concerto on to be seen as attractive.

Dane Barbados Jr. hates bitches because he loves women. You would have to be particulary stupid to not see such.

This is a problem that I see in these your United States. In my country women are encouraged to get educated, not to be media whores. They are rewarded for being intelligent and revered as equals. In my country we sing the praises of women of all sizes from petite to husky, even taking the time to thank fat girls for their delicious pound cake.

I have travelled the world far and wide and these United States have the most flawed sense of beauty that I, Dane Barbados Jr., have ever witnessed.

It is not me who hate women, it is yourselves.

The day that the American beauty standard is not White, Blonde, crack-whore thin and vapid is the day that I, Dane Barbados jr., will fully except that the people are not fools.

I know that there are readers from around the globe who follow my story, to you I proclaim: revere your women. Revere their intellegence, their curves, their minds, their ability.

Spit on your bitches.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Dane Barbados Jr. on: Sean "what the fuck now" Combs


I will tell the people some of what sickens Dane Barbados Jr.

People who eat with their mouths open sicken Dane Barbados Jr.

The smell of cheap cigarettes sicken Dane Barbados Jr.

A woman with a thick, lush, pubic jungle sickens Dane Barbados Jr.

Hairy redhaired men whom jog without shirts REALLY sickens Dane Barbados Jr.

Sean Combs sickens Dane Barbados Jr.

Recently Sean "Puffy-Puff-Daddy-P.Diddy" Combs announced his latest name change. In a cloud rending, heaven shaking, towering inferno of creativity Combs has rechristened himself "Diddy."

We are shocked an amazed, rendered mute at the ingenuity and genius of it all.

His reasoning you may ask? He felt that the "P" was coming between him and his fans and that a simple "Diddy" was easier to chant.

I must ask: what fans? When was the last time Combs put out an album? When was the last time that album was a hit? When was the last time ANY Bad Boy album was a hit? Dane Barbados Jr. could record the lurid sounds of his myriad ladies' having orgasms and it would outsell a Bad Boy album. I could sell the recordings of myself emptying a bladderful of justice into a urinal and outsell a Puffy album.

So this duplicitous man-whore is reduced to pre-adolescent name changes for publicity? It is to laugh...or if you're on of his pathetic "fans," it is to weep.

Sean Combs changes his name again...are we really to give a fuck? I would personally like to meet the people who are truly excited about this new, fresh and wholly unprecidented turn of events, all six of them, and administer surgical strikes about the face and buttocks for their stupidity.

This is what he had to say:

"there, half the crowd was chanting 'P Diddy', half the crowd chanting 'Diddy'. We gonna stop the confusion. 'Diddy. Diddy, Diddy!' Simple. To the point and it sounds strong. It sounds like something is about to happen. It sounds like something is about to go down in history"

What's that sound you're hearing Sean? Why I do belive it's a nother ten thousand unsold copies of "Forever" being bulldozed into a landfill.

Remember kids, Dane Barbados Jr. says: fuck Sean "I have no real identity and am starved for your attention" Combs.




Midgets also sicken Dane Barbados Jr.....fuck them too.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Dane Barbados Jr. on: Posh Spice and literacy.


The people all know that I, Dane Barbados Jr., am quite the fan of literacy. As such I was hilariously amused by the recent proclimation of one Posh Spice, Victoria Beckham:

"I haven't read a book in my life," Posh recently admitted to a Spanish magazine in an interview picked up by London's Daily Mail. "I haven't got enough time. I prefer to listen to music, although I do love fashion magazines."

Let this serve as a warning to the people. Most of the troglodytes that you all sniff and slurp after are but purile flies hovering over the skin of the world. Poor, virgin, unwashed masses all quiver and squirt their sour seed, nowhere near the general direction of a vagina, over Victoria Beckham and her atrociously fake, boulder-like breasts and horrendous scarecrow, cigarettes and cocaine figure, while she needs help reading a McDonald's menu.

And to think that this silly she-bitch-slop-whore has supposedly authored a book and her eunich of a husband David Beckham has authored two. I say thee nay. Are we to believe such tripe? Perhaps such lies will get past you whilst you are dazzled by their supposed "beauty"...but Dane Barbados Jr. is a spector of physical perfection and is blinded naught.

I won't even get started on Paris Hilton...I believe even people as slow as you know that she hovers at below literacy level.

People who consider themselves beautiful by paltry pedestrian standards are naught but spittoons to the likes of Dane Barbados Jr. Though I will tell the people, with a hint of sadness, that there is little joy to be obtained from verbally berating someone when they understand naught but a fifth of the words you say to them.

That's when it is neccessary to administer a mountain-shattering, physics-defying blow amid the kidneys such as only Dane Barbados Jr. can deliver. These mincing ignoramuses may not be able to spell "urine" but they must surely feel it as it courses down their thighs whilst they are pelted by my pointing and laughing.

And for the record, railthin heroin addict lookalikes such as Ms.Beckham do not have naturally large breasts. Such is biologically impossible. Weekend crackwhores with large, hard, half-melon breasts are not sexually attractive. You my think so. But you are wrong about many things.

Remember kids, Dane Barbados Jr. will laugh at you, he will berate you, but he will never lie to you. It is better to be ugly as sin and educated than beautiful and stupid. People like that will never be fit to be anything other than momentary carnal distractions to people like myself, Dane Barbados Jr.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Dane Barbados Jr. on: Lindsay Lohan.



I, Dane Barbados Jr., must admit that early in her film career (circa Freaky Friday) that I saw nothing but good things in the future of Lindsay Lohan. Good things including a session a human spumdumpster in my bedchamber.

....As I look at her now I realize that Dane Barbados Jr. must have been hopelessly intoxicated to have ever have felt that way.

Today I see that the starlet-strupmet uttered this oulandish lie:

"I'm not going to deny the fact that I've tried pot. I hated it. But never cocaine. I've seen my father (Michael Lohan). I've seen how it messes families up. If I hadn't had experienced that, I may have gone down a different route. But I've literally seen how it tore my parents apart."

Is Dane Barbados Jr. truly to believe that this young trollop, Lindsay Lohan, could go from a farily attractive, thick young redhead whom Dane Barbados Jr. would spend a few hours making his own to a crypt keepereque bottle blond harlot some Dane Barbados Jr. would spend a few hours using as a human ashtray without the patented Hollywood Diet of semen and cocaine as made famous by such living coathangers as Paris Hilton?

It is to laugh.

I gleefully put forth this invitation to Ms.Lohan: Come to Dane. I will feed you naught but sandwiches aplenty until you are human yet again and widen your birthcanal with repeated carnal excesses before I release you back into the wild with a swift kick to the slats. I shall henceforth misspell her name out of spite.

Remember kids, Dane Barbados Jr. says: Fuck lying assed Lindsay Lohan.

He also says: Hollywood Diet on sale here for bargain basement prices...feel free to inquire!

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Dane Barbados Jr. returns from vacation, pt.1

Ah I. Dane Barbados Jr., must tell the people that I had a wonderful time this past week whilst vacationing.

I returned to my glorious homeland and was greeted upon my arrival by a veritable troupe of zaftig young nubiles begging for naught but my formidible tallywhacker. Needless to say that I was quite entertained upon the limosine ride to my palatial villa.

Upon reaching my destination I took a moment to relish the beauty of my familial home whilst I was booting the slores into the heather for they had served their purpose. There are many greatly amusing things in your America but home, they say, is where the wanton royalty sex is...or some such.

My father, the Monarch, greeted me at the door with a hefty punch to the ribs to which I retaliated with a thunderous right hook of decapatory force. Any mere man would have fallen in a heap of blood and broken dreams. Such was not the fate of Dane Barbados Sr.

Together we shared a certain quantity of marijuana the likes of which are nigh-impossible to attain in your United States with leaves as purple as a french prostitue's vagina.

That first night I rutted naught but the finest young princesess and duchesses, drank naught but the finest vodka, Reigned bowel-liquifyingly forceful blows on naught but the haughtiest of vagabonds.

Ah to be young and better than everyone. You really should try it sometime.

Perhaps I will regail you with more tails of my vaction. Perhaps I will not.

Friday, August 05, 2005

Mike Tyson's Words of Wisdom


Dane Barbados Jr. has decided to share with you these nuggest of "wisdom." You may laugh at your discretion. I allow it.


On Lennox Lewis

"Lennox Lewis, I'm coming for you man. My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children. Praise be to Allah!"

"My main objective is to be professional but to kill him."

"I want to rip out his heart and feed it to him [Lennox Lewis]. I want to kill people. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their children."

On Evander Holyfield

"You got nothing coming, man. I'm going to enjoy this fight."

After biting Holyfield he said, "This is my career. I have children to raise. I have to retaliate. He butted me. Look at me. My kids will be scared of me."

"I felt Holyfield was using his head illegally. I told the referee I wasn't getting any help, so I went back to the streets. I cannot defend it, but it happened."

On Razor Ruddock

"You're sweet. I'm going to make sure you kiss me good with those big lips. I'm gonna make you my girlfriend."

On Tyrell Biggs

Tyson on Tyrell Biggs' complaining to him about low blows "Low blows? Low blows? Huh! Motherf**ker you're fittin' to die!"

"He was screaming like my wife."

"I could have knocked him out in the third round but I wanted to do it slowly, so he would remember this night for a long time."

On His Wife

"I paid a worker at New York's zoo to re-open it just for me and Robin. When we got to the gorilla cage there was 1 big silverback gorilla there just bullying all the other gorillas. They were so powerful but their eyes were like an innocent infant. I offered the attendant $10,000 to open the cage and let me smash that silverback's snotbox! He declined."

"Anyone with a grain of sense would know that if I punched my wife I would rip her head off. It's all lies. I have never laid a finger on her."

On His Childhood

"One morning I woke up and found my favorite pigeon, Julius, had died I was devastated and was gonna use his crate as my stickball bat to honor him. I left the crate on my stoop and went in to get something and I returned to see the sanitation man put the crate into the crusher. I rushed him and caught him flush on the temple with a titanic right hand he was out cold, convulsing on the floor like a infantile retard."

On Fans

To a question on whether he feels support from the common fan: "I don't feel love from them because there's no love. They don't know me as an individual; they know me for what I actually do. Because they pay to see me smash anybody. If they're white they pay, [it's] because the only thing they have respect for is my ability as an athlete. But if I was in court and I had to use them to testify against me on my character, they wouldn't testify positively against me and they would think I'm a cad..."

"There are nine million people who see me in the ring and hate my guts. Most of them are white. That's okay. Just spell my name right."

"I think the average person thinks I'm a f**king nut and I deserve whatever happens to me. That's what I believe."

"When you see me smash somebody's skull, you enjoy it."

On His Time in Prison

"You have to understand, Frank Bruno would not have been champion if I had not been in prison. Oliver McCall would not have been champion if I had not been in prison. A lot of these guys would not have been champion. Michael Moorer would not have been champion. Those guys would not have been champion if I had been around. They would have had no legacy. None of those guys would have had a legacy."

"I would have been in shape. I would have been active. Holyfield, those guys wouldn't have been champion when I was around, but I went away for four or five years inactive and that made them competitive for a time."

"But you really have to look at the science of the situation. You guys come here to talk and report but you don't actually look at the facts of what this business is all about. The best thing that happened to those guys and they should stand on their mother's shoulders and kiss my ass because I went to prison or they would not be existing right now. They'd be a flash in the pan and would have made some money and opened up a restaurant or bar somewhere where they live at."

On Boxing

"I try to catch him right on the tip of the nose, because I try to push the bone into the brain."

"Everyone in boxing probably makes out well except for the fighter. He's the only one that's on Skid Row most of the time; he's the only one that everybody just leaves when he loses his mind. He sometimes goes insane, he sometimes goes on the bottle, because it's a highly intensive pressure sport that allows people to just lose it [their self-control]."

"How dare these boxers challenge me with their primitive skills? It makes me angry. They're just as good as dead."

"My power is discombobulatingly devastating I could feel is muscle tissues collapse under my force. It's ludicrous these mortals even attempt to enter my realm."

Tyson: "It's interesting that you put me in the league with those illustrious fighters [Muhammad Ali, Joe Louis, Jack Johnson], but I've proved since my career I've surpassed them as far my popularity. I'm the biggest fighter in the history of the sport. If you don't believe it, check the cash register."

"Without discipline, no matter how good you are, you are nothing! One day, and I might not be around; you're going to meet a tough guy who takes your best shot. He'll keep coming because he's tough. Don't get discouraged. That's when the discipline comes in."

"I just want them to keep bringing guys on and I'm going to strip them of their health. I bring pain, a lot of pain."

On His Family

"No one gives a f**k about me. No one cares if my children starve, if they're on welfare. I have to support my children. I need more money."

Mike, on his mother who died in 1982: "I never saw my mother happy with me and proud of me for doing something: She only knew me as being a wild kid running the streets, coming home with new clothes that she knew I didn't pay for. I never got a chance to talk to her or know about her. Professionally, it has no effect, but it's crushing emotionally and personally."

On the Media

“I want to throw down your kid and stomp on his testicles, and then you will know what it is like to experience waking up everyday as me. And only then will you feel my pain.”

[To a female reporter] "It's no doubt I am going to win this fight and I feel confident about winning this fight. I normally don't do interviews with women unless I fornicate with them. So you shouldn't talk anymore... Unless you want to, you know."

"People [are] going to say what they say. It has to be for a reason. It's just for a reason. I know sometimes I say things; I offend people. I ask this lady a lewd question because I'm in a lot of pain too. I have some pain I'm gonna have for the rest of my life. And Lewis, I'm trying to give some of that pain to ya'll."

"You gentlemen have no idea what it's like to be myself, no idea what it's like. I'm not interested in being humiliated anymore."

"Sometimes you guys have no pride, so no matter what I say, you guys ... it doesn't affect you because you don't care about nothing but money. So every now and then I kick your f**king ass and stomp on you and put some kind of pain and inflict some of the pain on you because you deserve to feel the pain that I feel."

"If I take this camera and put it in your face for 20 years, I don't know what you might be. You might be a homosexual if I put that camera on you since you were 13 years old. I've been on that camera since I was 13 years old."

On Religion

"All praise is to Allah, I'll fight any man, any animal, if Jesus were here I'd fight him too."

"I feel like sometimes that I was born, that I'm not meant for this society because everyone here is a f**king hypocrite. Everybody says they believe in God but they don't do God's work. Everybody counteracts what God is really about. If Jesus was here, do you think Jesus would show me any love? Do you think Jesus would love me? I'm a Muslim, but do you think Jesus would love me ... I think Jesus would have a drink with me and discuss ... why you acting like that? Now, he would be cool. He would talk to me. No Christian ever did that and said in the name of Jesus even ... They'd throw me in jail and write bad articles about me and then go to church on Sunday and say Jesus is a wonderful man and he's coming back to save us. But they don't understand that when he comes back, that these crazy greedy capitalistic men are gonna kill him again."

Stacey McKinley: "He sees a guy beggin' in the street and he gives him a hundred dollars. I'll say, 'Man, y'know the guy's just gonna spend it on crack!' But he says, 'I leave it to Allah to judge him.'"

"I'm a man. I lived it and I'm not afraid to die but when I die I'm going to paradise and I'm not worried."

On Himself

"The one thing I know, everyone respects the true person and everyone's not true with themselves. All of these people who are heroes, these guys who have been lily white and clean all their lives, if they went through what I went through, they would commit suicide. They don't have the heart that I have. I've lived places they can't defecate in."

"I'm not Mother Teresa. But I'm also not Charles Manson!"

"Fear is your best friend or your worst enemy. It's like fire. If you can control it, it can cook for you; it can heat your house. If you can't control it, it will burn everything around you and destroy you. If you can control your fear, it makes you more alert, like a deer coming across the lawn."

"I'm just like you. I enjoy the forbidden fruits in life, too. I think it's un-American not to go out with a woman, not to be with a beautiful woman, not to get my d*ck sucked ... It's just what I said before, everybody in this country is a big f**king liar. [The media] tells people ... that this person did this and this person did that and then we find out that were just human and we find out that Michael Jordan cheats on his wife just like everybody else and that we all cheat on our f**king wife in one way or another either emotionally, physically or sexually or one way."

"There's no one perfect. We're always gonna do that. Jimmy Swaggart is lascivious, Mike Tyson is lascivious -- but we're not criminally, at least I'm not, criminally lascivious. You know what I mean. I may like to fornicate more than other people -- it's just who I am. I sacrifice so much of my life, can I at least get laid? I mean, I been robbed of my most of my money, can I at least get [oral sex] without the people wanting to harass me and wanting to throw me in jail?"

"At times, I come across as crude or crass, that irritates you when I come across like a Neanderthal or a babbling idiot at times. But I like to be that person. I like to show you all that person because that's who you come to see."

"I'm the most irresponsible person in the world. The reason I'm like that is because, at 21, you all gave me $50 or $100 million, and I didn't know what to do. I'm from the ghetto. I don't know how to act. One day I'm in a dope house robbing somebody. The next thing I know, 'You're the heavyweight champion of the world.' ... Who am I? What am I? I don't even know who I am. I'm just a dumb child. I'm being abused. I'm being robbed by lawyers. I think I have more money than I do. I'm just a dumb pugnacious fool. I'm just a fool who thinks I'm someone. And you tell me I should be responsible?"

On His Mental Health

"I don't know if I'm mentally sick, but I have... episodes sometimes. I'm a depressant kind of dude. I have episodes, and I'm human. But no one cares about my health as a human because sometimes I'm in my episodes when I'm at work."

"Well, [contemplating suicide] goes through everyone's mind, I'm sure. And if it doesn't I really must be crazy. Everyone thinks about that because sometimes, you know what I mean, it's just tough being a ni**er and it's tough being a bad ni**er."

I don't react to a tragic happening any more. I took so many bad things as a kid and some people think I don't care about anything. It's just too hard for me to get emotional. I can't cry no more."

"I'm on the Zoloft [an antidepressant] to keep from killing y'all."

On America

"I'm just a dark guy from a den of iniquity. A dark shadowy figure from the bowels of iniquity. I wish I could be Mike who gets an endorsement deal. But you can't make a lie and a truth go together. This country wasn't built on moral fiber. This country was built on rape, slavery, murder, degradation and affiliation with crime."

Miscellaneous Quotes

"I really dig Hannibal. Hannibal had real guts. He rode elephants into Cartilage."

"I guess I'm gonna fade into Bolivian."

"I like the British bikes. I like British people. They're real mellow."

"I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating."

"I have some pain I'm gonna have for the rest of my life. So every now and then I kick your f**king ass."

"I just want to conquer people and their souls."
__________________

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Dane Barbados Jr. on: Mike Tyson's new career


This morning I, Dane Barbados Jr., came upon a most unsettling and hilarious bit of news.

It seems that a certain bottom-dwelling slore, pornstarlet by the name of Jenna Jameson has been approaching the former ear-biter and woman beater in hopes of getting the mangler to star in a pronographic film with her.

I must say that I fear that repeated meat-beatings and/or horrible, unamed, social diseases may have rotted Ms.Jameson's brain.

What female, who's brain hasn't been rotted by semen overload, would pay good money to be viciously assulted by penis by the man who gave us such memorable jewels as:

"I'm on the Zoloft [an antidepressant] to keep from killing y'all."

"I have some pain I'm gonna have for the rest of my life. So every now and then I kick your f**king ass."

"I just want to conquer people and their souls."

"I just want them to keep bringing guys on and I'm going to strip them of their health. I bring pain, a lot of pain."

"I try to catch him right on the tip of the nose, because I try to push the bone into the brain."

...Yes, sound's like the kind of gent that any self-respecting woman would love to escort to the bedchamber does it not?

Now this trollop Jenna Jameson is clearly a whore. She derives her income from the reproductive act and it's many variations. And we cannot expect a whore to be but so intelligent after all but this particular whore's brain must be soaked in gallons of stale, curdled, man-tussin for her to even consider being beef-bludgeoned by such a creature as Mike Tyson.

Though I will admit that, despite the abject crudity of his language, Tyson and Dane Barbados Jr. share similar veiws on romance:

"I paid a worker at New York's zoo to re-open it just for me and Robin. When we got to the gorilla cage there was 1 big silverback gorilla there just bullying all the other gorillas. They were so powerful but their eyes were like an innocent infant. I offered the attendant $10,000 to open the cage and let me smash that silverback's snotbox! He declined."

...and people in general:

"How dare these boxers challenge me with their primitive skills? It makes me angry. They're just as good as dead."

...and love of laying hands, this could have been ripped from my very mind:

"My power is discombobulatingly devastating I could feel is muscle tissues collapse under my force. It's ludicrous these mortals even attempt to enter my realm."

I, Dane Barbados Jr., had prepared a graphic aid to go with this update, however it was deemed to horrific to be worksafe. You may thank me later.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Dane Barbados Jr. on: BEPees


What you see pictured above you was nearly enough to make Dane Barbados Jr. choke to death on his finely chilled glass of Belvedere.

What kind of disgusting dirt dwelling filthy whore would urinate upon herself and continue about her business as if nothing at all had happened?

What kind of grungy gutter-snipe would not want to be free of the warm caress of urine soaked garments?

Gentle readers this horrendous monstrosity of a supposed "female" has Dane Barbados Jr. nearly at a loss for words.

Woe to the unfortunate man who speared that urine-soaked vulva after the urine-soaked performance.

Feh!

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Dane Barbados Jr. on: Man Perfume

All day I see the people on the television. I see them using these filthy man perfumes. Axe? Tag? Feh.

I see the "men" spray themselves with these various feminine products upon which they are immediately beset with strutting slatterns of many races. I, Dane Barbados Jr., do not believe this. I decided to see this perposterous "Axe Effect" for myself.

To test I lowered myself from my palacial villa, and entered one of your "malls." There I randomly selected a male (quite hideous) from amongst the sweating, disgusting, preening, crowd and sprayed him liberally about the face and eyes with "Axe."

Women of questionable lineage did not pounce upon this young man. Not even fat women armed with delicious poundcake. Perhaps, decided Dane Barbados, 'twas his screaming and womanly yelping that kept them away. I silenced him with a thunderous blow to the throatial region and proceeded with the next stage of the Grand Experiment.

The next burn victim look alike I grabbed I made sure to bludgeon him about the throat with my devine hammers before I blinded him with the foul stench of "Tag."...Same result, if anything women fleed his stinking presence even faster.

After I deposited the young man into the nearest trash receptical and made sure that he was suitibly soaked in my warm, yellow, stream of rage I, Dane Barbados Jr., decided to deem the experiment a failure.

I will tell the people. I will tell them that you do not need flowery, feminine, stinking products such as these to attract the females and approach, and be immediately denied, the reproductive act.

All you need is to be Dane Barbados Jr....which you will, of course, will never be fortunate enough to see, though I will permit you to dream.

Remember kids, Dane Barbados Jr. says: Fuck Man Perfume.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Dane Barbados Jr. follows up

I have been reading your interweb and I, Dane Barbados Jr., must wonder: are all of your men devoid of testicles?

Reviews of The Devil's Rejects:
"Every character is repugnant, yet writer/director Zombie's sympathies seem to lie with the killers - a group whose abominations make the Manson Family's acts appear tame."
-James Berardinelli

"It is premature to label a movie as the worst of the year. However, it is hard to imagine anything being a more grueling, unpleasant experience than "The Devil's Rejects"
-
PAUL DORO

This is naught but a small sampling of the nonsense that these supposed "men" spew. I must ask the people: How can a grown man want to flee a film because it is violent?

Is the film violent? Oh yes, deliciously, wonderfully so. Is it mysoginistic? Gloriously so. One would think that people whom derive their income from wating copious amounts of films would understand that these elements are required as it is a direct homage to the grindhouse films of yore.

And that is not it:
"To make matters worse, he is still an awful writer (lines like "You better say some Mark Twain stuff because it's going to be on your tombstone" are unintentionally hilarious). He allows his actors to go way over the top; as a result, the killers come across as cartoonish and annoying rather than menacing."
-
PAUL DORO

To begin the line is misquoted. What was said is "You better say some Mark Twain shit because it's getting chisled on your tombstone."

In additon how far must one's head be deposited into his own rectum and buried with undeserved smugness to take something that is obvioulsy meant to be comedic and take it to be "unintentional?"

Not only a lack of testicles...also one of brains it seems. Pity that.

Is "The Devil's Rejects" the best movie ever made? Obviously not as it was not written, directed an produced by Dane Barbados Jr. However that is not to say that presumptuous, ball-less, reviewers need to hark on the violence. Would one expect smiling teddie bears in a film entitled "The Devil's Rejects?" One would only hope that the people are more intelligent than these few...though I do not have high hopes.

If this is truly the state of your men you may deposit your of age daughters, sisters and wives under the age of 40 to my doorstep now. You clearly are not worthy of female attention or equipped to fulfil their desires.

Remember kids, Dane Barbados Jr. says: Fuck eunichs.