Dane Barbados Jr. reviews: Crank
A short foreword. As you all know I, Dane Barbados Jr., usually includes a picture of the movie's poster and/or stills with his reviews.
He could not do this with "Crank" because of the fact that a Google image search of "Crank, movie" yields countless images from a pornographic website by the name of "Yank My Crank."
While Dane Barbados Jr. will never have want of much in the way of pornography due to his unending throng of comely, female, worshippers he oddly does not wish ill feelings upon those who do use it.
He does however show rare pity upon any "man" who would pay money (even your American money) for pornography that is naught but a website filled with handjobs. Yes handjobs.
A quadrapeligic, wheel-chair bound, 98lb., imbecil can get a handjob for free. Barbados Jr. knows this as fact. Why would anyone pay? To those people Dane Barbados Jr. can do naught but urge you to insert a handgun of the largest calibre you can find into your mouth, pull the trigger and take a ride on the much ballyhoo'd Bullet Train for your life is purely and sublimely without worth. No one will mourn your passing and the world would be made a better place by your death.
Now with that out of the way I will now tell you about "Crank" which is quite possibly the best movie Dane Barbados Jr. has ever seen in his life.
Much like "SoaP" Crank delivers well on it's premise. For those of you too stupid or slovenly to know the story centers around Jason Statham (an actor of near Barbadian heights) of "The Transporter" fame playing an underworld hitman by the unlikely name of Chev Chelios. He has been injected by a rival with a drug that will kill him within an hour...unless he keeps his adrenaline pumping at full force that is.
As you would guess this leads to 80 minutes of near-nonstop action and mayhem from barfights to insane car chases, to even more which Dane Barbados Jr. will not spoil for you. Not out of respect for you but out of respect for the movie. Yes I, Dane Barbados Jr., care more about the film than any of you.
The true triumph of the movie is that it truly accomplishes it's goal of being a near-videogame. It ramps up smoothly from semi-realistic action to Action movie action to pure unadulterated cartoon/videogame action.
It has any and everything that any meat eating, herosexual, male would enjoy: dismemberment, toplessness, violence, insane stunts, guns, stereotypes, offensiveness and an insane amount of comedy...which of course means that half of movie reviewers will undoubtedly not understand the movie for what it is and decry it as offensive...as if that wasn't the point.
For what it is it is also well acted. Statham is a veteran of the genre and performs as such. His doctor is performed by Dwight Yokam of all people who shines as a drunken, pot-smoking, post-hippy medicine man delivering laughs for all. And lest he forget Your Humble must mention Amy Smart who, despite being a blonde, Dane Barbados Jr. has always considered "cute." She co-stars as "Chevy's" girlfriend and the director/writer of the film have perfectly nailed what a typical American girlfriend is in the character.
So, see the movie and enjoy it. Such declares Dane Barbados Jr. If you are a male of good standing or a rare female that understands the definition of "fun" then you will find "Crank" satisfying. If you don't like the film you are clearly not worth the attentions of myself, Dane Barbados Jr., and will surely die alone and miserable.
Crank. Dane Barbados Jr. approves.
He could not do this with "Crank" because of the fact that a Google image search of "Crank, movie" yields countless images from a pornographic website by the name of "Yank My Crank."
While Dane Barbados Jr. will never have want of much in the way of pornography due to his unending throng of comely, female, worshippers he oddly does not wish ill feelings upon those who do use it.
He does however show rare pity upon any "man" who would pay money (even your American money) for pornography that is naught but a website filled with handjobs. Yes handjobs.
A quadrapeligic, wheel-chair bound, 98lb., imbecil can get a handjob for free. Barbados Jr. knows this as fact. Why would anyone pay? To those people Dane Barbados Jr. can do naught but urge you to insert a handgun of the largest calibre you can find into your mouth, pull the trigger and take a ride on the much ballyhoo'd Bullet Train for your life is purely and sublimely without worth. No one will mourn your passing and the world would be made a better place by your death.
Now with that out of the way I will now tell you about "Crank" which is quite possibly the best movie Dane Barbados Jr. has ever seen in his life.
Much like "SoaP" Crank delivers well on it's premise. For those of you too stupid or slovenly to know the story centers around Jason Statham (an actor of near Barbadian heights) of "The Transporter" fame playing an underworld hitman by the unlikely name of Chev Chelios. He has been injected by a rival with a drug that will kill him within an hour...unless he keeps his adrenaline pumping at full force that is.
As you would guess this leads to 80 minutes of near-nonstop action and mayhem from barfights to insane car chases, to even more which Dane Barbados Jr. will not spoil for you. Not out of respect for you but out of respect for the movie. Yes I, Dane Barbados Jr., care more about the film than any of you.
The true triumph of the movie is that it truly accomplishes it's goal of being a near-videogame. It ramps up smoothly from semi-realistic action to Action movie action to pure unadulterated cartoon/videogame action.
It has any and everything that any meat eating, herosexual, male would enjoy: dismemberment, toplessness, violence, insane stunts, guns, stereotypes, offensiveness and an insane amount of comedy...which of course means that half of movie reviewers will undoubtedly not understand the movie for what it is and decry it as offensive...as if that wasn't the point.
For what it is it is also well acted. Statham is a veteran of the genre and performs as such. His doctor is performed by Dwight Yokam of all people who shines as a drunken, pot-smoking, post-hippy medicine man delivering laughs for all. And lest he forget Your Humble must mention Amy Smart who, despite being a blonde, Dane Barbados Jr. has always considered "cute." She co-stars as "Chevy's" girlfriend and the director/writer of the film have perfectly nailed what a typical American girlfriend is in the character.
So, see the movie and enjoy it. Such declares Dane Barbados Jr. If you are a male of good standing or a rare female that understands the definition of "fun" then you will find "Crank" satisfying. If you don't like the film you are clearly not worth the attentions of myself, Dane Barbados Jr., and will surely die alone and miserable.
Crank. Dane Barbados Jr. approves.
posted by Dane Barbados Jr. at 11:55 PM
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