Dane Barbados Jr. on: I Dream of Jeanie and Hollywood

Whilst browsing the interweb I, Dane Barbados Jr., found myself nearly swallowed alive by a varitible blackhole of anti-talent.

It seems that the casting in the Hollywood remake of "I Dream of Jeanie" is...

...let's all wait for it shall we?

...Jessica Alba and Jimmy Fallon.

My God.

Dane Barbados Jr. is forced to ask himself: How stupid are these Hollywood mortals? Dane Barbados Jr. cannot be the only person to notice that any movie starring Jimmy Fallon is an autobomb at your multiplexes. Whilst I know that I am above you surely this observation could be made by an epileptic preschooler.

What move starring Jimmy Fallon has been a blockbuster? I caution you not to think too hard on that one.

And, as has been established, Jessica Alba is no great thespian. It truly seems as if this is yet another film hoping to earn it's revenue not on a finely crafted story, nor finely tuned acting, but on attempting to forcefeed the people that Jessica Alba is "hot."

Feh.

And, of course, when this movie fails miserable, as it invariably will, the filmmakers will all look at each other with trogloditic looks of childlike stupidity and wonder why it happened.

I read in your newspapers that Hollywood is agog and confused, wondering why it is that fewer and fewer patrons are paying exhorbitant fees to see their tripe. They foolishly attempt to scapegoat "pirates."

Dane Barbados Jr. will solve the mysery with this statement to Hollywood:

STOP FUCKING MAKING REMAKES ALREADY DOUCHEBAGS!

Allow me to prepare a list for you:

-I Dream of Jeanie
-War of the Worlds
-Dukes of Hazzard
-Bewitched
-The Grude
-The Ring
-Dark Water
-Insomnia
-Vanilla Sky
-Assult on Pricinct 13
-The Longest Yard
-Badnews Bears
-Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
-Solaris
-Mr. Deeds
-The Time Machine
-The Manchurian Candidate
-Charlie's Angels
-Scoobie Doo
-I Spy
-Willard
-The Amityville Horror
-Dawn of the Dead
-King Kong
-Godzilla
-The Haunting
-Rollerball
-The Stepford Wives
-Swept Away
-The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
-Psycho
-Planet of the Apes
-Fat Albert
-Starsky & Hutch
-Cheaper by the Dozen
-Freaky Friday
-The Alamo
-Ocean's Eleven
-The Ladykillers
-The Adam's Family
-The Mod Squad
-Lost in Space
-The Flintstones
-The Beverly Hillbillies
-Maverick
-The Brady Bunch Movie
-Thunderbirds
-The Italian Job


That list is purely from the top of my angelic and oft-revered head and spans perhaps 15 years. Want to get the posteriers of the public into your multiplexes Hollywood? Here's two hints: Stop fucking making half-assed movies with half-assed actors pushing half-assed sex appeal and try to hijack some fucking originality.

If Hollywood was a person it would find my glistening spittle upon it's face and an impression of my mountain shaking foot implanted firmly in it's ass.

Remember kids, Dane Barbados Jr. says: Fuck cheap Hollywood pandering.