Dane Barbados Jr. on: Jessica Alba

Oh the people ask me, they ask: "Oh Dane Barbados Jr. you sure do like Scarlett Johansen, you must love Jessica Alba."

I spit upon those people's upturned, adoring, faces. Dane Barbados Jr. love Jessica Alba? Feh.

Dane Barbados Jr. reveres women of talent and class, not merely garden variety "beauty."

And Dane Barbaods Jr. would consider Jessica Alba no more beautiful than the scullery maids whom clean his palatial villa in the mountains.

Not to mention that the "woman" is devoid of all but the most rudimentary acting ability. There was once a time when I would have said otherwise, circa "Idle Hands." But alas, as time wore on this strumpet seemed more than willing to waylay the sharpening of her craft to rest on the laurels of her internet "she's hot" stalker brigade.

Not to mention that, in interviews and candid moments she comes of as a trifle more than a bit of a vacuous tart that revels in being a "diva"...or in more heterosexual terms...a "bitch."

Why would Dane Barbados Jr. fancy such a creature when he can pick amongst the world's most learned and voluptious goddesses? For those of you who are particularly slow on the upkeep: He would not.

And let's not forget that Ms. Alba is the unfortunate possessor of the disgusting physical trait of the abnormally long second toe which instantly causes the golden hued gorge of Dane Barbados Jr. to rise.

Feh. The horror.