Dane Barbados Jr. Presents: Bully Jack

I, Dane Barbados Jr., have decided to give you all a respite from the sheer grandiosity that is I. One can only have so many joyous mental orgasms before a break is needed...and frankly Dane Barbados Jr. has better things to do.

I present you a comrade: Bully Jack. Enjoy sycophants.



Where have all the Rockstars gone? - VMA's edition.

So the MTV Video Music Awards were held this past Sunday in Miami, since my pal Dane wouldn't be caught dead watching or even mingling with such "inferior" celebrities such as the MTV crowd, I guess it's up to me, Bully Jack to let you all know what's what.

First off just let me say this...There are no more Rockstars! I mean seriously, Kanye West? 50 Cent? puh-leez those rappers have about as much charisma as a rock stuck in mud. Even the new "rockstars" are pathetic...."My Chemical Romance" ? That's a great name for a band and all, but you'd think with such a clever name they'd actually be at least kinda good. While we're at it, someone put an APB out of Greenday circa mid nineties, I don't know who these old "pussy punk" rockers were who showed up tonight.

Since this years VMA's was award-winningly sucky, I feel it only right to hand out a few awards of my own.

Best Impersonation of a baby horse with cancer: Hillary Duff

I mean really, have you seen her sickly frame, big feet, and huge mouth, looks like she should be at a petting zoo.

The Drug Dealer stole my body Award: Lindsay Lohan

Is there any surprise that she'd win that one?

The "I'm a Slut and No One Cares Award": Paulina Rubio

Seriously, who is this foreign broad? She needs to be cleaning my toilet...right now.

The "I'm famous but want to be famous for being a slut" Award: Eva Longoria

What a trooper, she just exposed her meaty muff print for the world to see...for no reason at all. I'm sure her boyfriend, and her family are so proud.

The "Thanks you just turned my girlfriend gay" Award: Shakira

Say what you want about the silly spanish yodeler, but after her vitruoso hip swiveling performance there was not a dry seat in the house, for all the women in attendance and watching at home mentally pictured themselves being ravished by Shakira in a no holds barred tribadism marathon.

The "Because of me, some black girl has no ass" Award: Kelly Clarkson

Need I say more. And unlike my little pony Hilary Duff, Kelly Clarkson looks like a horse in the best way, from the waist down.

The "Somebody spiked my blow with herion" Award: Jessica Simpson

No amount of praying, no rapture of the holy spirit, no amount of "Jesus Juice" can make you act so goofy...no way!. Her behavoir had to be the result of low grade heroin... Damn you Johnny Knoxville for tainting America's dumb blonde Sweetheart.

The "Please take me to jail" Award: R. Kelly

It's not enough that he ruined some girl's life by way of a super soaking with his own urine, but he had to go and ruin the whole awards show with a god awful performance. Who the hell is Kathy, who the hell is Rufus? Who the hell cares...you're going to jail R. Kelly.

Best Crossdressing Male Award: 50 Cent

Just what in the hell was "Fiddy" wearing? Leather jeans and a Cami? I mean really, I hope Larry David and the people at Seinfeld got paid because he was definately wearing a "Bro" or "Man-zere." Who new ganster rappers liked to dress so femininely now-a-days.