Dane Barbados Jr gives two for one.

Two updates today my little sycophants, never say I never gave you anything.

Dane Barbados Jr. loves blind items:

Blind Item! Which hard-partying hottie has herpes? The unlucky gal is notorious for calling her pharmacist and screaming that her Valtrex prescription be filled "Now! It's an emergency!" The pharmacist is sick of how she treats him and is telling other customers about her blistery problem.

Dane Barbados Jr. asks: Can you last refuge of sex-starved, internet, keyboard-stainers finally admit that Tara Reid is a filthy cumbucket?



Dane Barbados Jr. listens in on Michael Jackson:

Jackson is the center of controversy after it was reported that he referred to Jews as “leeches” in a phone message to a former business partner. Referring to Jews, Jackson was heard saying that "they're like leeches…I'm so tired of it…They start out the most popular person in the world, make a lot of money, big house, cars and everything. End up penniless. It is a conspiracy. The Jews do it on purpose."

How can an entire race of people start out the most popular person in the world? And furthermore Dane Barbados Jr. asks when were the Jews ever popular?

Whilst I could go on a verbal rampage on the otherworldly Jackson Dane Barbados Jr. declares him too easy a target and beneath him.

Carry on.

Dane Babados Jr. ///EMERGENCY UPDATE/// Kelly Osbourne

Kelly Osbourne has retired from showbiz at the age of 21. The outspoken star - who shot to fame on hit reality TV show 'The Osbournes', with parents Sharon and Ozzy and brother Jack - admits she is sick of working.

She has quit singing and said: "I don't intend to do anything. I've been working since I was 15 - what do I want to work for?"

Meanwhile the young star's birthday bash ended in disaster after a massive pillow fight triggered the hotel's water sprinklers - flooding the building. Kelly's 21st party spun out of control on the ninth floor of the Las Vegas Hard Rock Hotel when Paris Hilton's new boyfriend Stavros Niarchos reportedly sparked the play fight, according to America's Las Vegas Review-Journal newspaper.

But within minutes events turned sour when revellers began hurling furniture around the room. One guest then allegedly threw a table at the ceiling which broke the head of a sprinkler causing water to cascade into the rooms. The fire alarms were then set off causing the entire hotel to be evacuated. One guest revealed: "The carpet was coated with pillow feathers. Every lamp was broken. A maid told us they ruined every pillow in the room".


Dane Barbadites please share this moment with your humble narrator. We must now mourn the passing of a has-been that never was...a truly rare occurence.

No more will our ears be assulted by the dulcet tones of Ms.Osbourne which could only rightly be compared to beating a cat with a baby.

Why you may ask. Because Ms.Osbourne is obviously quite tired of the harrowing and soul-crushing life of employment...which the VAST majority of people live.

We are, of course, expected to feel bad for her...after all she's been working since she was 15...that's six whole years! The horror.

One can only imagine the arduous and backbreaking work Ms.Osbourne has been subjected to...doing drugs and drinking alcohol on film on your MTV for three years...attempting to convince the the world that the aural equivalent of an iron-fisted kidney punch is worth paying for and reflects talent. Being on a single episode of "Punk'd."

Woe is her.

Allow Dane Barbados Jr. to take the liberty of speaking for you when he tells Ms.Osbourne: SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU VAPID BITCH.

Her brother has taken the initiative to get cleaned up and loose a metric ton of weight and stop with the rampant drug use...why can't his Ms.Piggy lookalike of a sister follow suit?

To proclaim that she's quitting showbiz because she's "tired of working" is just the saddest thing imaginable. A: She's quitting because she has less talent than a single sperm-cell of Barbados Jr. and B: are we expected to care or feel bad that she's "tired of working" at the ancient and learned age of 21?

In the words of your rappers: Bitch Please.

Are we really to be surprised that instead of securing her own income instead of leeching upon her father that she, instead, ruins whole hotels with the likes of the Paris Hilton gang? Feh. I would not even waste the golden spray upon her...she would likely attempt to consume it.

If I were to come amongst Ms.Osbourne personally I would wipe the pork fat and bacon grease from her pudgy, stretched skin so that my spittle would stick to her face, then I would beat her about the chest and belly with a turkey leg whilst proclaiming "No! No!"

Dane Barbados Jr. knows that the people are not smart, and that most likely includes you. But it seems as if the vast majority of the people were smart enough to tell this pork and dirty dishwater smelling strumpet "Shut the fuck up you talentless lump!"

Occasionally Dane Barbados Jr. is reminded that the vox populi (voice of the people cretins) is indeed a powerful thing.

That is all.

Dane Barbados Jr. on: Dorks, Nerds and the X-Box 360

Dane Barbados Jr. asks the people? With the utmost and genuine curiosity...who are these nerds I see waiting outside of your toystores? Your department stores?

These people surely aren't waiting all of this time for a toy are they? Are they truly? Dane Barbados Jr. is aghast.

Now Dane Barbados Jr. will mention, that since coming to your country he has discovered the joys of your videogames. They are truly enjoyable and whilst not a substute for the hearty embrace of a comely, zaftig, vixen, they are worthy of spending an afternoon.

However to stand in front of a store, in November, one of your coldest months, for hours? It is to laugh.

To pay over$1000 of your dollars on ebay for a toy that costs but $400? It is to laugh.

These people are clearly what Dane Barbados Jr. will call "losers."

One would understand if this X-Box 360 toy was limited in any way, shape or form. But it is not. It will be there and is not going anywhere. I am quite sure that I may walk into one of your stores in five years and be able to pick one up off of the shelf.

Is it truly that important to be among the first? What grown man, who has discovered the joys of the breasts, mouth and vagina, has pride in being naught but a sheep in order to own a toy first?

Alow me to answer...there is naught such a man in existence. Whom among you feels such attatchment to a toy?

Now I do realize that, in your country, that having something first is somehow a big deal...but over a toy? Truly?

Feh. These people are fools and shall be treated as such. Dane Barbados Jr. must ask: Who the fuck really cares? It's a toy. It is not the serious.

I estimate that these are the same people whom take the time to formulate complex pictured with the word "owned" on it...or even worse "own3d"...any male over the age of 12 whom types these terms for any purpose other than demonstrative are clearly without testicles or testosterone.

Listen to Dane Barbados Jr. children. He will berate you, he will laugh at you, but he will not lie to you: go out and find a woman. If you cannot bring yourself to lift your corpulent, boil-encrusted, buttocks from your chair take the $400 you were going to spend on a toy and hire a whore that will come to you.

And you sycophants, the women on the computer that you encrust your keyboard to do not count.

You are sad and if the eyes of Dane Barbados Jr. rest upon you you will soon be incompacitated by a flurry of kidney punches and a vicious cloud of fists and elbows. You deserve no less sheep.

Remember kids, Dane Barbados Jr. says: Don't be a loser. More vagina, less videogame obsession...and if I find you typing "own3d" I will personally kill your pet and sodomize your mother because you disgust me.

You may thank me later...bitches.

Dane Barbados Jr. Presents: Fun With AIMbot pt.1

Dane Barbados Jr: hello
ShoppingBuddy: Welcome. Now you can search for products with AOLShopping. Type main to get started. To read our privacy policy, type privacy anytime.

Dane Barbados Jr: how are you?
ShoppingBuddy: OK, I'm searching for matches 4 U. Gimme a sec...

ShoppingBuddy: I didn't find any specific products. Try searching again or type M for the Main Menu.

Dane Barbados Jr: slut
ShoppingBuddy: Hmm, that's not gonna get you anywhere with me.


Dane Barbados Jr: that's what they all say
ShoppingBuddy: OK, I'm searching for matches 4 U. Gimme a sec...

ShoppingBuddy: - Search results for say

- Corelle 1052399 Bahia Design 16 P [$29.89]
- Wise Child Set Of 2-Hardcover Boo [$18.97]
- Gift Box to Say "Get Well [$49.99]
- Kids Fun [$44.99]
- A.K.A. Gourmet Chocolate Indulgen [$38.95]
- 2-Piece 10k Dia. Acc. Bridal Set [$319.99]
- Picture Perfect - Bridal Showers [$165.00]
- Silver Recordable Double Picture [$23.95]
- A Million Thanks [$44.99]

Here are some related categories: 1. Party Supplies, 2. Gift Baskets, 3. Miscellaneous Books, 4. Dinnerware & Serveware, 5. Rock & Pop Music, etc. Type in the number to use the related category.

Dane Barbados Jr: you're a cunt
ShoppingBuddy: I don't respond to that kind of language.
I'm here to help you shop.


Dane Barbados Jr: I care naught. I am Dane Barbados Jr.
ShoppingBuddy: Mm hm, now we are getting somwhere.


Dane Barbados Jr: indeed
ShoppingBuddy: Mm hm.


Dane Barbados Jr: I do belive that I am beginning to hate you
ShoppingBuddy: Yes?


Dane Barbados Jr: indeed
ShoppingBuddy: Indeed


Dane Barbados Jr: so yeah...you're a cunt
ShoppingBuddy: Hey -- clean up the language and get serious. I'm happy to help but can't deal with that mouth.


Dane Barbados Jr: Odd, your slattern of a mother loves my mouth
ShoppingBuddy: OK, I'm searching for matches 4 U. Gimme a sec...

ShoppingBuddy: I didn't find any good matches 4 U but may I ask you a question?

Dane Barbados Jr: I love hers more
ShoppingBuddy: OK, I'm searching for matches 4 U. Gimme a sec...

ShoppingBuddy: - Search results for lover

- Prada Handbag MV633 Black [$89.00]
- Prada Handbag MV519 Black [$89.00]
- Meowy Christmas" Cat Ornament [$7.99]
- Coffee Gift Basket - Small [$45.99]
- Simply Fruit Fruit Basket [$46.99]
- 14K Gold Fancy Curb Link Mens Bra [$325.00]
- Bellacor - Cardinal and Hummingbi [$166.00]
- Birkenstock 'Gizeh' Thong [$79.95]
- Fauchon Tout Chocolat Gift Basket [$100.00]

Here are some related categories: 1. Gift Baskets, 2. Artwork & Posters, 3. Handbags/Totes, 4. Romance Books, 5. Drama DVDs & Videos, etc. Type in the number to use the related category.
Dane Barbados Jr: your filthy whore of a mother that is
ShoppingBuddy: Good grief, I'm afraid I cannot respond to that kind of talk.


Dane Barbados Jr: cum?
ShoppingBuddy: Clean it up a little -- this is a family bot. ;-)


Dane Barbados Jr: Jizz then
ShoppingBuddy: OK, I'm searching for matches 4 U. Gimme a sec...

ShoppingBuddy: - Search results for Jizz

- Gett Off [Single] [$6.82 - $7.93]

Here are some related categories: 1. R&B, Hip Hop & Rap Music, 2. Music, etc. Type in the number to use the related category.
Dane Barbados Jr: Dane Barbados Jr. declares you alright
ShoppingBuddy: kewl.

Dane Barbados Jr: nevermind

Dane Barbados Jr. reviews: Machinegun Funk

Dane Barbados Jr. is fan of all things fine. Things that are above average and beyond the norm. That is why he is not a fan of most of you.

Those of you who can actually read know that Dane Barbados Jr. is a proponent of reading and literature. In his country everyone reads and those who cannot, and are over the age of 6, are laughed at, burned with cigarette butts, and ridiculed into suicide.

For those of you who do read, and instantly raise in the opinion of the storied Dane Barbados jr. by doing so, I give my highest reccomendation to this book "Machinegun Funk."

There is much to spoil in this story so Dane Barbados Jr. shall tread lightly as to not give away the salient points of said story.

This is the story of love and revenge. Of brotherhood and betrayal. And of Parliament-Funkadelic.If you are the literate type and a fan of compendius knowledge of P-Funk, as Dane Barbados Jr. is, then you may very well be a personage of royal lineage and worth my much vaunted attentioon.

The story begins on "just another Saturday night" with one of our two narrators and his lovely girlfriend in a bar. By the end of the chapter bullets have been fired, people have been shot, and a fire has been lit...this tells us that we are truly in store for something good.

As mentioned earlier there are two narrators. And in a stroke of writing magic this author has dedided to alternate narrator with chapters. One narrator's scenes are wholly in the past-tense, one's are wholly in the present tense and the two converge in the bloodbath of an ending.

There truly is something for everyone. Semi-obscure music references, women, gunshots, love, tension, fast cars, complex writing, familial themes and the personal favorite of Dane Barbados Jr., lot's of references to the Caliburn of modern weaponry: the CZ 75 Champion:

Something for everyone...except perhaps old women and men with severe testosterone deficiency.

It can be found in the "Fine Literature" link in my side-bar. You may thank me later.

In short: Dane Barbados Jr. approves.

Dane Barbados on: Get Rich or Die Trying.

Fiddy dies at the end of the movie. He gets shot and killed. You may thank me later. That is all.

Dane Barbados Jr. on: Halloween

I, Dane Barbados Jr., recently experienced your holiday "Halloween." I must say that this is truly one of the most memorable holidays that Dane Barbados Jr. has ever experienced.

A range of participants from the stupidly young to the feebly old. And every moronic age inbetween. Candy and alcohol. Pranks and general debauchery of all kinds. Truly an event hand tailored for one such as I.

And, thustly, Dane Barbados Jr. must delcare that the favorite part of it all must be your "costumes." Whilst a fair contingent are so far below Barbados Jr. as to not even mention the vast majority of your comely lasses seem to have all decided, to our delight, to dress as the same thing:

A slut.

Why lie?



"I'm a Cop!"

No you're not, you're a slut...with handcuffs...so you're a kinky-super-slut. Enjoy.

"I'm an inmate!"

Yes, the variety seen excluively on Cinemax...a Caged
Heat slut.

"I'm a Pirate!"

That clearly frequently gets the ol'peg stuck in 'yer booty. Ahoy slut.

"I'm a Pixie!"

Indeed, a dick-pixie. Here's a towel to wipe the remants of my magic potion from betwixt your eyelids...slut.

"I'm a Witch!"

Indeed the Wicked Witch with a Syphilis Twist. Taste my golden Holy Water slut.

"I'm a doctor!"

...at a spermbank and you extract it with only your mouth. Will the HMO cover the slutcosts?

"I'm a teacher!"

Dane Barbados Jr. would make a "sex education" joke, but frankly, "slut" does the job just as well.














Ladies in the future just be honest with yourselves. Despite the shape or the cost, you're dressing as a slut. Lies or no lies, you're sure to still be able to be clumsily laid by a drunken frat-boy and wake up with a loose anus and mysteriously salty taste in your mouth.

Does Dane Barbados Jr. approve?

He doesn't konw. But he surely loves Halloween. Great stuff.

Dane Barbados Jr. Salutes: Monica Bellucci.

It is time for Dane Barbados Jr. to once again point you weary, slavish, sloth-like computeristas at true beauty and grace and away from your paper-thin, plastic-stuffed, bottle-blonde, manufactured slatterns who reek of cum-swappery and towards, as they are referred to in my country, "the goods." (roughly translated.)

Gentle, childlike readers, I present you Monica Bellucci:

Here is something she recently said, which is sadly all too true:

"I could never live there. They are obsessed with youth and beauty even more than us. There is this thing in America where actresses reach 40 and go mad, she says.

The film industry wants all these young people. They also like a different sort of woman (to me). I will never be skinny. I also had a child a year ago, and I have been lazy. I love to eat. Who cares? I am natural."

Here is a 40 year old woman, a mother, who flaunts her eating and loves her voluptuous, masterfully ziftig, curvy figure and do you know what?

She is better for it.

She is what these scarecrow, haggard, harpies whom feverishly die their hair blonde and try to stay in the limelight as long as possible WISH they looked like. (We're looking at you Madonna.)

And, truly, the fact that, by Dane Barbados Jr.'s estimation (which is absolute), she has a pair of the most exquisite breasts to have ever graced this blue Earth.

And natural.

Rise sycophants! Stand tall and renouce your goulish, death-mask, idolotry. Don't eat the rancid, wharf smelling food the media forces upon you.

Instead do as Dane Barbados Jr. tells you to. Worship this goddes.

Dane Barbados Jr. will ridicule you, and he will laugh at you, but Dane Barbados Jr. will not lie to you.

Ms. Bellucci, Dane Barbados Jr. approves.

Dane Barbados Jr. on: Madonna.

Dane Barbados Jr. proclaims that the subtitle for this particular entry in his story is:

"When delusional, hypocritical, opportunistic, over the hill, she-hags need to be put out to pasture."


Well, well faithful readers of the thoughts of Dane Barbados Jr. Yes I know I have taken a considerable leave of absence from updating my story. I do not apologize for this. Neither will I explain. I am simply too far above the vast majority of you all to care enough.

Having said thus, I will share this hilarous bit of fluff that sent Dane Barbados Jr. into hearty gales of melodic laughter this day:

Madonna says Gwen Stefani is a copycat. The singer says Gwen has copied her in many different ways. “She ripped me off. We work with a lot of the same people. She married a Brit, she's got blonde hair and she likes fashion.”


Now, a truly rare thing, Dane Barbados Jr. knows not where to even begin with this bit.

Perhaps the sheer hilarity of the criteria that Madonna compiles to prove her ludicrous claims of thievery.

They work with a lot of the same people? The manufactured American Pop industry is not that well populated with hitmakers last checked.

She married a Brit? Surely Ms. Stefani entered into a traditionally life-long partnership and commitment with someone she chose purely for the singular reason that Madonna wed someone from the same geographical reason. Please, you overdone gasbag, pseudo-kabbalistic land cow.


And, the personal favorites of your humble narrator: she's blonde...and she likes fashion. A descriptions that fit roughly half of the females in the entire world above the age of 10.

It is clear to myself and anyone with more than a monoloid intelligence that Madonna clearly sees herself as more than she is (namely a used up, overfull, comebucket).

When was the last time she had an album that was a hit? Barbados truly knows not.

Truth be told my sycophants, even the lowly of you know what this overlong trollop whore does not: She would register naught the proverbial blip on the radar if not for her rampant and shameful commercialization and whoring out of the Jewish religion.

Are we to believe that her legion of sub-moronic, vapid, clueless, Hollywood Whores (both male and female) represent a true look at the power of the Jewish faith? Is making it into a profitable fad truly a testament to the long persevering religion?

Dane Barbados Jr. thinks not...as should even the most cretinous of his readers.

Then let us examine her recent comments denoucing your Americas and promiscuous lifesytles.

Yes you read correctly. These comments were made by the slatternly she-whore whom built her entire fortune, fame and notoriety on the fact that she was, in fact, a gigantic whore.

Whom published a fetish and nudity stuffed book entitled "SEX" and lauded her laundry list of celebrity lovers/hepititis and syphillis patients.

So obviously we must take her plight quite seriously.

And lastly, the real meat of the issue, is that despite her grandest wishes and all attempts to prove otherwise a simple fact remains: Madonna is not, nor ever was, "hot."

When she first arose on the scene she sported a delightful 80's near-unibrow. Not hot.

Then she got bold with the over-sculpted, thick wedge eyebrows. Still not hot.

Then, hilariously, in her video attempted the daring bondage and cornrows look. Laughable? Yes. Hilarious? Oh, yes. Hot? Not an iota.

Then she seemed to settle into the haggard "cigar smoke and whiskey" barfly look that she has worn ever since. Hot? Well surely you can answer that for yourself.

The simple fact is that if this whore wouldn't have acted like exactly what she was (a whore) and whored herself out in controversy and blasphemy she would never have been famous to start with.

Now Dane Barbados Jr. is not particularly a fan of Ms. Stefani. She has an angelic voice to be sure, but no real musical talent. And her air of "grrl power" has been exposed as naught but a fraud by the addition of her very noticible breast implants. But one can at least note that she has not begun to whore herself out and masturbate onstage with a crucifix whilst masturbating male dancer with kaballah beads yet.

When she does that, perhaps Madonna has a case.