Dane Babados Jr. ///EMERGENCY UPDATE/// Kelly Osbourne
Kelly Osbourne has retired from showbiz at the age of 21. The outspoken star - who shot to fame on hit reality TV show 'The Osbournes', with parents Sharon and Ozzy and brother Jack - admits she is sick of working.
She has quit singing and said: "I don't intend to do anything. I've been working since I was 15 - what do I want to work for?"
Meanwhile the young star's birthday bash ended in disaster after a massive pillow fight triggered the hotel's water sprinklers - flooding the building. Kelly's 21st party spun out of control on the ninth floor of the Las Vegas Hard Rock Hotel when Paris Hilton's new boyfriend Stavros Niarchos reportedly sparked the play fight, according to America's Las Vegas Review-Journal newspaper.
But within minutes events turned sour when revellers began hurling furniture around the room. One guest then allegedly threw a table at the ceiling which broke the head of a sprinkler causing water to cascade into the rooms. The fire alarms were then set off causing the entire hotel to be evacuated. One guest revealed: "The carpet was coated with pillow feathers. Every lamp was broken. A maid told us they ruined every pillow in the room".
Dane Barbadites please share this moment with your humble narrator. We must now mourn the passing of a has-been that never was...a truly rare occurence.
No more will our ears be assulted by the dulcet tones of Ms.Osbourne which could only rightly be compared to beating a cat with a baby.
Why you may ask. Because Ms.Osbourne is obviously quite tired of the harrowing and soul-crushing life of employment...which the VAST majority of people live.
We are, of course, expected to feel bad for her...after all she's been working since she was 15...that's six whole years! The horror.
One can only imagine the arduous and backbreaking work Ms.Osbourne has been subjected to...doing drugs and drinking alcohol on film on your MTV for three years...attempting to convince the the world that the aural equivalent of an iron-fisted kidney punch is worth paying for and reflects talent. Being on a single episode of "Punk'd."
Woe is her.
Allow Dane Barbados Jr. to take the liberty of speaking for you when he tells Ms.Osbourne: SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU VAPID BITCH.
Her brother has taken the initiative to get cleaned up and loose a metric ton of weight and stop with the rampant drug use...why can't his Ms.Piggy lookalike of a sister follow suit?
To proclaim that she's quitting showbiz because she's "tired of working" is just the saddest thing imaginable. A: She's quitting because she has less talent than a single sperm-cell of Barbados Jr. and B: are we expected to care or feel bad that she's "tired of working" at the ancient and learned age of 21?
In the words of your rappers: Bitch Please.
Are we really to be surprised that instead of securing her own income instead of leeching upon her father that she, instead, ruins whole hotels with the likes of the Paris Hilton gang? Feh. I would not even waste the golden spray upon her...she would likely attempt to consume it.
If I were to come amongst Ms.Osbourne personally I would wipe the pork fat and bacon grease from her pudgy, stretched skin so that my spittle would stick to her face, then I would beat her about the chest and belly with a turkey leg whilst proclaiming "No! No!"
Dane Barbados Jr. knows that the people are not smart, and that most likely includes you. But it seems as if the vast majority of the people were smart enough to tell this pork and dirty dishwater smelling strumpet "Shut the fuck up you talentless lump!"
Occasionally Dane Barbados Jr. is reminded that the vox populi (voice of the people cretins) is indeed a powerful thing.
That is all.
She has quit singing and said: "I don't intend to do anything. I've been working since I was 15 - what do I want to work for?"
Meanwhile the young star's birthday bash ended in disaster after a massive pillow fight triggered the hotel's water sprinklers - flooding the building. Kelly's 21st party spun out of control on the ninth floor of the Las Vegas Hard Rock Hotel when Paris Hilton's new boyfriend Stavros Niarchos reportedly sparked the play fight, according to America's Las Vegas Review-Journal newspaper.
But within minutes events turned sour when revellers began hurling furniture around the room. One guest then allegedly threw a table at the ceiling which broke the head of a sprinkler causing water to cascade into the rooms. The fire alarms were then set off causing the entire hotel to be evacuated. One guest revealed: "The carpet was coated with pillow feathers. Every lamp was broken. A maid told us they ruined every pillow in the room".
Dane Barbadites please share this moment with your humble narrator. We must now mourn the passing of a has-been that never was...a truly rare occurence.
No more will our ears be assulted by the dulcet tones of Ms.Osbourne which could only rightly be compared to beating a cat with a baby.
Why you may ask. Because Ms.Osbourne is obviously quite tired of the harrowing and soul-crushing life of employment...which the VAST majority of people live.
We are, of course, expected to feel bad for her...after all she's been working since she was 15...that's six whole years! The horror.
One can only imagine the arduous and backbreaking work Ms.Osbourne has been subjected to...doing drugs and drinking alcohol on film on your MTV for three years...attempting to convince the the world that the aural equivalent of an iron-fisted kidney punch is worth paying for and reflects talent. Being on a single episode of "Punk'd."
Woe is her.
Allow Dane Barbados Jr. to take the liberty of speaking for you when he tells Ms.Osbourne: SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU VAPID BITCH.
Her brother has taken the initiative to get cleaned up and loose a metric ton of weight and stop with the rampant drug use...why can't his Ms.Piggy lookalike of a sister follow suit?
To proclaim that she's quitting showbiz because she's "tired of working" is just the saddest thing imaginable. A: She's quitting because she has less talent than a single sperm-cell of Barbados Jr. and B: are we expected to care or feel bad that she's "tired of working" at the ancient and learned age of 21?
In the words of your rappers: Bitch Please.
Are we really to be surprised that instead of securing her own income instead of leeching upon her father that she, instead, ruins whole hotels with the likes of the Paris Hilton gang? Feh. I would not even waste the golden spray upon her...she would likely attempt to consume it.
If I were to come amongst Ms.Osbourne personally I would wipe the pork fat and bacon grease from her pudgy, stretched skin so that my spittle would stick to her face, then I would beat her about the chest and belly with a turkey leg whilst proclaiming "No! No!"
Dane Barbados Jr. knows that the people are not smart, and that most likely includes you. But it seems as if the vast majority of the people were smart enough to tell this pork and dirty dishwater smelling strumpet "Shut the fuck up you talentless lump!"
Occasionally Dane Barbados Jr. is reminded that the vox populi (voice of the people cretins) is indeed a powerful thing.
That is all.
posted by Dane Barbados Jr. at 3:12 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home