Dane Barbados Jr.'s favorite whipping post: Paris Hilton

Come with Dane Barbados Jr. children and let us look upon these fickle celebrities whom you idololize so so that we my throw a spotlight on their and your own stupidity:

One of the most downloaded video clips on the Internet shows Paris Hilton getting out of a limo, talking on her cellphone, describing an unknown party as "just so ugly and jealous." Paris then listens for a few seconds and says, "She's a jealous, ugly, anorexic idiot." Best guess as to whom she's talking about so far is Mary-Kate Olsen. Paris has been spotted out with the tiny twin's ex, shipping heir Stavros Niarchos, after breaking up with her own Greek shipping heir, Paris Latsis. Now there’s rumors that Mary-Kate is seeing Paris Latsis! Try to keep up!

Paris Hilton, where ever you are, whomever your with, whatever body part of theirs is currently in your mouth I hope you listen clearly to the words that Dane Barados jr. must speak: YOU ARE NOT HOT.

Dane Barbados Jr. was kind enough to say that in three-letter, one-syllable, words so that you could actually read and comprehend them.

One must wonder if Paris Hilton, strumpet that she is, has completely bought into her own hype.

I, for one, can assure her that if she were not RICH the people would give naught a damn about her as she truly is near repulsive.

And the sheer, staggering, hypocrisy of this slim, blonde, cumbucket having the audacity to speak of someone else being "anorexic" truly has Dane Barbados Jr. unleashing category five gales of honeyed, symphonic, laughter.

Even soaking wet, sodden with man-leavings this trollop cannot, herself, weigh more than 85lbs. And she's tall.

And, frankly, the truth of the matter is that Paris
Hilton knows that she is ugly...
or else who would she fetch such a complete
transformation from her earlier and slightly
less repulsive look?

It is because she knows what Dane Barbados Jr.
knows and what the vast majority of Americans are apparently too stupid and star struck to know.

And that is money =/= beauty. Grace = beauty.
Charm = beauty. Intelligence = beauty. NATURAL beauty = beauty.







Paris Hilton = a plastic, human shaped, cumbucket.

Updates Coming Soon.

That is all. Sycophants.

Dane Barbados Jr. Revisits: Remakes.

Dane Barbados Jr. has just come across this on your interweb. It reaffirms my venom toward recent trends in Hollywood:

When Pigs Fly
(Or Hollywood produces something original)
Intro. Written by Alex Sandell

The only thing more unlikely than seeing a pig fly, would be to see modern Hollywood produce an original film. Case in point -- the year 2005. Here are the films that are either remakes or sequels, based on a comic book, book, play, or video game, which have been released since January 1st, 2005. This page will be updated whenever Hollywood releases another used idea (which means quite frequently). It's ironic that Hollywood's fight against pirates grows increasingly more draconian with each passing day, when Hollywood itself is more guilty of piracy than anyone that they're pointing a finger at. Yes, piracy is hurting the film industry. But it's the piracy of the film industry that's causing the hurt. I am including the box-office of these films, along with their production costs, in hopes of waking Hollywood up and letting them see how much their piracy is hurting Hollywood. How long will it be until the Supreme Court takes on a "Hollywood Vs. Hollywood" case? Anyway, on with the list ...

Movie: Elektra
Release Date: January 14th, 2005
Based on: A comic book
Semi-sequel to: DareDevil, also based on a comic
Domestic Total Gross: $24,409,722
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $43,000,000

Movie: Assault on Precinct 13
Release Date: January 19th, 2005
Remake of: The 1976 film, Assault on Precinct 13
Domestic Total Gross: $20,040,894
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $30,000,000

Movie: Alone in the Dark
Release Date: January 28th, 2005
Based on: A video game
Domestic Total Gross: $5,178,569
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $20,000,000

Movie: The Wedding Date
Release Date: February 4th, 2005
Based on: A book
Domestic Total Gross: $31,626,995
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $15,000,000

Movie: Pooh's Heffalump Movie
Release Date: February 11th, 2005
Based on: A series of books
Domestic Total Gross: $18,098,433
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $20,000,000

Movie: Constantine (click here to read the Juicy review)
Release Date: February 18th, 2005
Based on: A comic book
Domestic Total Gross: Approximately 75 million
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $100,000,000

Movie: Because of Winn-Dixie
Release Date: February 18th, 2005
Based on: A book
Domestic Total Gross: $32,647,042
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $14,000,000

Movie: Son of the Mask
Release Date: February 18th, 2005
Sequel to: The Mask
Domestic Total Gross: Approximately $17,000,000
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $84,000,000

Movie: Diary of a Mad Black Woman
Release Date: February 25th, 2005
Based on: A play
Domestic Total Gross: Approximately $50,000,000
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $6,000,000

Movie: Be Cool
Release Date: March 4th, 2005
Based on: A book
Sequel to: Get Shorty
Domestic Total Gross: Approximately $56,000,000
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $53,000,000

Movie: Hostage
Release Date: March 11th, 2005
Based on: A book
Domestic Total Gross: $34,639,939
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): Not Available, but most likely more than 35 million dollars

Movie: The Ring Two (click here to read the Juicy review)
Release Date: March 18th, 2005
Sequel to: The Ring, which was based on the movie, Ringu
Domestic Total Gross: Approximately $76,000,000
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): Not Available

Movie: Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous
Release Date: March 24th, 2005
Sequel to: Miss Congeniality
Domestic Total Gross: Approximately $48,000,000
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): Not Available, but most likely more than 48 million dollars

Movie: Guess Who
Release Date: March 25th, 2005
Remake of: The 1967 film, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner
Domestic Total Gross: Approximately $68,000,000
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): Not Available

Movie: Beauty Shop
Release Date: March 30th, 2005
Sequel to/Spin-off of: Barber Shop 2: Back in Business
Domestic Total Gross: Approximately $36,000,000
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): Not Available

Movie: Sin City (click here to read the Juicy review)
Release Date: April 1st, 2005
Based on: A comic book
Domestic Total Gross: Approximately $73,000,000
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $40,000,000

Movie: Sahara
Release Date: April 8th, 2005
Based on: A book
Domestic Total Gross: Approximately $68,000,000
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $130,000,000

Movie: Fever Pitch
Release Date: April 8th, 2005
Based on: A book
Domestic Total Gross: Approximately $41,000,000
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $30,000,000

Movie: The Amityville Horror (click here to read the Juicy review)
Release Date: April 13th, 2005
Based on: A book, which had already inspired a string of Amityville Horror movies
Domestic Total Gross: Approximately $65,000,000
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $19,000,000

Movie: xXx: State of the Union
Release Date: April 29th, 2005
Sequel to: xXx
Domestic Total Gross: Approximately $26,000,000
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): Not Available, but most likely more than $26,000,000

Movie: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (click here to read the Juicy review)
Release Date: April 29th, 2005
Based on: A radio play, book and television series
Domestic Total Gross: Approximately $50,000,000
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $50,000,000

Movie: House of Wax
Release Date: May 6th, 2005
Remake of: The 1953 film, House of Wax
Domestic Total Gross: Approximately $31,000,000
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $40,000,000

Movie: Jiminy Glick in La La Wood
Release Date: May 6th, 2005
Based on: Martin Short's grossly unfunny television character
Domestic Total Gross: Approximately $36,039
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): Not Available

Movie: Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith (click here to read the Juicy review)
Release Date: May 19th, 2005
Sequel to: Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones
Domestic Gross: $376,032,137 (as of July 25th, 2005)
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $113,000,000

Movie: Dominion: Prequel to the Exorcist
Release Date: May 20th, 2005
Based on: A book and The Exorcist film
Domestic Total Gross: $246,708
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): Not Available, but much more than $246,708.

Movie: The Longest Yard
Release Date: May 27th, 2005
Remake of: The 1974 film, The Longest Yard
Domestic Gross: $155,414,130 (as of July 25th, 2005)
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $82,000,000

Movie: The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
Release Date: June 1st, 2005
Based on: A book
Domestic Gross: $37,875,835 (as of July 25th, 2005)
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $25,000,000

Movie: The Honeymooners
Release Date: June 10th, 2005
Based on: A television sitcom
Domestic Gross: $12,731,737 (as of July 25th, 2005)
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $25,000,000

Movie: Batman Begins (click here to read the Juicy review)
Release Date: June 15th, 2005
Based on: A comic book (and the previous Warner Bros. Batman films)
Domestic Gross: $191,693,621 (as of July 25th, 2005)
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $150,000,000

Movie: Herbie: Fully Loaded
Release Date: June 22nd, 2005
Based on/Sequel to/Remake of: A bunch of lame Disney movies about a talking car
Domestic Gross: $60,714,223 (as of July 25th, 2005)
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $50,000,000

Movie: Bewitched
Release Date: June 24th, 2005
Based on: A television sitcom
Domestic Gross: $59,778,163 (as of July 25th, 2005)
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $85,000,000

Movie: George A. Romero's Land of the Dead (click here to read the Juicy review)
Release Date: June 24th, 2005
Sequel to: Day of the Dead
Domestic Gross: $20,283,890 (as of July 25th, 2005)
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $16,000,000 - $20,000,000

Movie: War of the Worlds (click here to read the Juicy review)
Release Date: June 29th, 2005
Based on the Book: War of the Worlds
Partial Remake of: The 1953 film, The War of the Worlds
Rip-off of: Nearly every Steven Spielberg film ever made
Domestic Gross: $209,578,221 (as of July 25th, 2005)
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): Studio claims $135,000,000. Almost every other person in the know claims in excess of $200,000,000.

Movie: Dark Water
Release Date: July 8th, 2005
Remake of: The 2002 film, Honogurai mizu no soko kara, which was based on a book.
Domestic Gross: $23,258,397 (as of July 25th, 2005)
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): Not Available

Movie: The Fantastic 4 (Click here to read the Juicy review)
Release Date: July 8th, 2005
Based on: A comic book
Domestic Gross: $124,618,954 (as of July 25th, 2005)
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $100,000,000

Movie: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (click here to read the Juicy review)
Release Date: July 15th, 2005
Based on: A book, which also inspired the film, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
Domestic Gross: $118,684,383 (as of July 25th, 2005)
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $150,000,000

Movie: The Devil's Rejects (Click here to read the Juicy review)
Release Date: July 22nd, 2005
Sequel to: House of 1000 Corpses
Domestic Gross: $17,044,981
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $7,000,000

Movie: Bad News Bears (Click here to read the Juicy review)
Release Date: July 22nd, 2005
Remake of: The Bad News Bears
Domestic Gross: $32,868,349
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $35,000,000

Movie: Must Love Dogs
Release Date: July 29th, 2005
Based on: A television series
Domestic Gross: $43,698,897
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $30,000,000

Movie: The Great Raid (Click here to read Juicy review)
Release Date: August 12th, 2005
Based on: Two different books
Domestic Gross: $10,164,597
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $80,000,000

Movie: The Dukes of Hazzard (Click here to read the Juicy review)
Release Date: August 6th, 2005
Based on: A television series
Domestic Gross: $80,148,712 (as of October 13th, 2005)
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $50,000,000

Movie: Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
Release Date: August 12th, 2005
Sequel to: Deuce Bigalow: American Gigolo
Domestic Gross: $22,264,487
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $20,000,000

Movie: The Constant Gardener
Release Date: September 2nd, 2005
Based on: A book
Domestic Gross: $31,582,342 (as of October 13th, 2005)
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $25,000,000

Movie: Transporter 2
Release Date: September 2nd, 2005
Sequel to: The Transporter
Domestic Gross: $42,500,120
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $32,000,000

Movie: A Sound of Thunder
Release Date: September 2nd, 2005
Based on: A short story
Domestic Gross: $1,897,575
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $80,000,000

Movie: An Unfinished Life (Click here to read the Juicy review)
Release Date: September 9th, 2005
Based on: A book
Domestic Gross: $8,407,328 (as of October 13th, 2005)
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $30,000,000

Movie: The Exorcism of Emily Rose (Click here to read the Juicy review)
Release Date: September 9th, 2005
Based on: A book and some crazy guy's fabrication of true events
Domestic Gross: $72,871,827 (as of October 13th, 2005)
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $20,000,000

Movie: Proof
Release Date: September 16th, 2005
Based on: A play
Domestic Gross: $4,901,556 (as of October 13th, 2005)
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $20,000,000

Movie: A History of Violence
Release Date: September 23rd, 2005
Based on: A graphic novel/comic book
Domestic Gross: $20,000,000 (estimate)
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $32,000,000

Movie: Oliver Twist
Release Date: September 23rd, 2005
Based on: A book
Domestic Gross: $1,930,717 (as of October 13th, 2005)
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $60,000,000

Movie: Serenity (Click here to read the Juicy review)
Release Date: September 30th, 2005
Based on: The television show, Firefly
Domestic Gross: $20,572,000 (as of October 14th, 2005)
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $39,000,000

Movie: The Greatest Game Ever Played
Release Date: September 30th, 2005
Based on: A book
Domestic Gross: $11,000,000 (estimate as of October 15th, 2005)
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): N/A

Movie: Wallace & Gromit: The curse of the Were-Rabbit (Click here to read the Juicy review)
Release Date: October 7th, 2005
Based on: Wallace & Gromit animated shorts
Domestic Gross: $21,580,281 (as of October 13th, 2005)
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): N/A

Movie: In Her Shoes
Release Date: October 7th, 2005
Based on: A book
Domestic Gross: $13,950,054 (estimate as of October 13th, 2005)
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): N/A

Movie: The Fog (Click here to read the Juicy review)
Release Date: October 14th, 2005
Based on: A book
Domestic Gross: ?
Approximate Production Budget (not counting advertising costs): $18,000,000

Plenty more to come (the stagnated minds in Hollywood will make sure of that)!

Questions, comments, concerns, films that need to be added? Click to email!

Back to The Juicy Cerebellum
Back to the Movie Section of The Juicy Cerebellum

©2005 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. In 2 years, I'm thinking about remaking this copyright, only this time in a red font.

http://www.juicycerebellum.com/usedideas.htm


As you can see the majority of these insufferable remakes have not remade their budgets. "You don't say?" Asks Dane Barbados Jr.

Perhaps one day Hollywood will remove their heads from their own rectums long enough to realize that the people will not stand for such rehashed, unimaginative, tripe time and time again.

Feh.

Dane Barbados Jr. on: Paris Hilton's breakup

Dane Barbados Jr. recently came across this article whilst browsing your interweb, he will embolden his favorite part:

"Paris Hilton broke up with Paris Latsis in a cold way: with her new man, Stavros Niarchos, listening to her on the phone, our sources say. (That is, like, SO 8th grade!) But friends say Niarchos "will never be with her seriously. Stavros is just having fun." Latsis's friends are still laughing that Paris Hilton was quoted in Us Weekly, "Paris says I can keep the engagement ring. He says I earned it." One Latsis pal snipes: "How else did she earn it? With sex. Like a hooker. It's a diss and she didn't get it — no surprise.""

One must admit that after that...well there is really nothing else that Dane Barbados Jr. could say that would be nearly as apropos.

To the unnamed friend...cheers.

Dane Barbados Jr. on: Burger King

Today let us examine Burger King's new creation: The Meat'normous omelette sandwich.

One subroll...

Two omelette eggs...

Two slices of ham...

Two sausage patties...

Two slices of American cheese...

Six half-slices of bacon...

A combined ten pieces of breakfast pork.

Sounds scrumption yes? Delicious? You can't wait to feel the sweet, moist meat slide down your throat and feel the warm grease drip down your hand yes? Dane Barbados Jr. bets you do.

Here's what Burger King had to say in a press release:

"three full slices of crispy bacon, two slices of smokey ham and a sizzling sausage patty between two omelet eggs, two slices of American cheese and a toasted specialty bun,"

"It's like an all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet on a bun,"

They're even so proud of it as to put it on the front page of the BK website.

You can't wait can you? I really want it don't you?

If you do...well you're just a massive fatassed son of a sow whom is surely destined at a heart attack before you see the end of your third decade on this planet Earth.

You will die and Dane Barbados Jr....well he will laugh.

Dane Barbados Jr. loves America. It is not the best place on Earth, of course, but it has quite a lot going for it and can be a delightful place to spend some time.

That being said one must question a country that saturates the airwaves with a breakfast sandwich that can mummify you from the insides.

Although the sheer unhealthiness of the sandwich is enough to drive your humble narrator into a fit of rage but the fact that this abomination is for BREAKFAST...the first meal of the day...well surely you can see the problem.

...and one wonders why America is one of, if not THE, most obese country in the world.

Have fun with this:

-740 calories

-400 fat calories

-46.5 grams of saturated fat

-330 grams cholesterol

-1950 grams of sodium

...it's like garauntee'd coronary in one delicious sandwich.

1/2 the average daily caloric intake of a midsized, active male.

1/2 the fat.

2x the cholesterol.

3x the daily amount of sodium.

It's like mumification from the inside...mmm...mmm...good.

Not to mention that "Meat'normous" really and truly sound's like the name of an overweight, hirsuite male pornstar in his 40's. Not something any respecting heterosexual male would want to put into his mouth you see.

But go ahead plump American, you order that Meat'normous...in fact Dane Barbados Jr. suggests ordering two, and don't forget to wash it down with Burger King's new "BK Joe Turbo" brand of hyper-caffenated coffe.

And when you die, just remember that Dane Barbados Jr. will be there to laugh as he unloads a steaming bladderful of justice on your tombstone.

He will even leave a sausage pattie on your grave in memorandum.

For this...you may thank him.

Dane Barbados Jr. on: TomKat again.

"Katie Holmes' mission – should she choose to accept it -- will be giving birth without painkillers - or screaming. That's because her fiancé, "Mission Impossible" star Tom Cruise, is a Scientologist. Practitioners of Scientology are against drugs but insist on "silent birth" because they believe it's traumatic for babies to hear their mothers groan or cry. "Maintain silence in the presence of birth to save the sanity of the mother and the child and safeguard the home to which they will go," church founder L. Ron Hubbard wrote in his best-selling "Dianetics." That's easier to preach than practice. Another famous Scientologist, actress Kelly Preston, told Redbook magazine in 2000 that she screamed for an epidural while giving birth at home to daughter Ella. But her husband, actor John Travolta, who is also a Scientologist, didn't have time to drive Preston to the hospital. "It got hard-core at the end because she was big," Preston said of her 13-hour ordeal. Scientologists also favor seven days of silence for newborns so their first week on Earth is trauma-free. But this has run afoul of state-mandated blood tests, which require at least a pinprick."

The demon's spawn is close...and Dane Barbados Jr. made up naught a word.

Dane Barbados Jr. revisits: TomKat

The anti-christ has been concieved...may your Gods help you.

"Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are expecting. Cruise's spokesperson, Lee Anne Devette, confirmed Holmes's pregnancy exclusively to People Magazine. "Tom and Katie are very excited, and the entire family is very excited," says Devette. Cruise, who has two children, Connor, 10, and Isabella, 12, with ex-wife Nicole Kidman, began dating Holmes in mid-April. He proposed to her atop the Eiffel Tower in Paris in June. Devette says there is no wedding date set. Devette would not comment on the baby's gender or say how far along the pregnancy is. The rep did say that Holmes, 26, "has never felt better." Cruise, 43, is currently shooting "Mission: Impossible 3" in Los Angeles"


Scientologists everywhere must be castrating themselves with joy at the conception of this demonspawn space-baby says Dane Barbados Jr.

Dane Barbados Jr. does not approve.

Dane Barbaods Jr. on: Anne Hathaway in "Havoc"

Some of you may remember the actress Anne Hathaway from such delightfully trite Disney fare like "The Princess Diaries" and "Ella Enchanted" and let's not forget "The Princess Diaries 2."



Over time it became apparent that Ms.Hathaway was a bit more grown up and not afraid to show it.
Then out of the clear blue sky comes her performance in the new movie "Havoc" which contains glorious Anne Hathaway toplessness, for a considerable amount of time.

This is a good thing. Not only because Ms.Hathaway has nearly perfect, natural breasts. Dane Barbados Jr. applauds Ms.Hathaway for showing that she's willing to push boundaries and "grow up" without becoming a big red Hollywood cumbucket, sloring around drunk and being a media gadfly.

Although with Tara Reid, Lindsay Lohan, "Xtina" and Britney Spears filling that niche there may simply not have been room for her.


I, Dane Barbados Jr., has no intention of merely teasing you.

The full pictures can be found here:

Ann Hathaway's Breasts

A video of said glorious footage can be found here:

Ann Hathaway's Breasts in moving film.

Dane Barbados Jr. Approves.

Dane Barbados Jr. revisits: 50 Cent

"According to this pleasant little report, incredithug rapper 50 Cent recently decided to give back to the New York community as much as possible in as little time as necessary: By merely handing out cash to kids. Alas, the man who made his name getting shot 5267 times was none too careful when counting his dollar bills. Instead of handing out $1800 as he intended, Fiddy mistakenly gave away $18,000 to the neighborhood kids, prompting hysterics. Not knowing how to handle this significant mistake, the rapper coped with his loss by using his body armor to beat the children senseless, at which point he quickly took his extra money back, hopped into his Escalade, and rode off into the ghetto sunset."

-hot995.com


...No, I didn't make a word of that up.