Dane Barbados Jr. Salutes: Fat Girls

I will tell the people. There was a time when I, Dane Barbados Jr., would push a fat girl down in the street, kick dirt in her face and make sure that she was duly spat upon before my grand exit. This course of action would seem definate to any reasonable person. I, however, am here to tell the people otherwise.

We should love fat girls. No, not in a physical sense of course, the mere thought of such is enough to make my formidable gorge rise. No, no fat woman is worthy of the angelic, world shattering, love of Dane Barbados Jr., nor any act of physical love. A fat woman's plight is to be forever sexless and lonely, discounting the greasy, slovenly, bacon-fat smelling love of a fat man.

But fat women are to be revered. By merely standing in the considerable shadow of a fat woman a platry scullery maid is instantly elevated to the status of vixen. A vixen is elevated to the status of Sex Goddess. Fat girls are veritable black holes of unattractiveness, sucking it all up, and making everyone else look attractive by comparison.

Fat girls can also bake a mean poundcake. All of them can. It is, in fact, a prerequisite.

Remember kids, Dane Barbados Jr. says: Next time, before you push a fat girl in the dirt, thank her for beautifying the world.

...and don't forget to ask for a slice of delicious poundcake.