Dane Barbados on: Mariah Carey

I'm on the internet and I see the people all in a tizzy over a so-called "wardrobe malfunction" of one Mariah Carey.

I must say, I know that these days you people can be quite sad, especailly those of you addicted to the internet but I must ask: is anyone still interested in this worn out, used up trollop?

Perhaps in the old year of 1996 I, Dane Barbados Jr., may have taken the time to let Mariah gaze upon my mighty instrument before shoving her off of my porch but these days she has all the sexual appeal of a geriatric, trailer park, whore.

Although her singing voice is indeed sublime, her speaking voice sounds like a seventy year old grandmother who had comsumed naught but filterless cigarettes and grain alcohol since the tender age of three. The mere thought of what she must sound like in the throws of passion threaten to rend my very mind in twain.

I care not to see the surgery scarred nipple of this dimestore barfly. Much like yourselves she is below me.

Remember kids, Dane Barbados Jr. says: DON'T fuck Mariah Carey.