What Dane Barbados Jr. did in his first American New Year
So I have experience my first New Year celebrations in your country and Dane Barbados Jr. must declare himself pleased.
To start his rousing evening the first thing that Dane Barbados Jr. did was enlist the company of comrade and nemesis Bully Jack. Decked in our fine apparel we journeyed to the abode of an accquaintance of the female persuasion.
Immediately upon entering the doors at 5.5p we proceeded to down several shots of sweetest Belvedere.
Later Dane Barbados Jr. was introduced to one of your cardgames known as "Spades"...and a game of kings that was indeed!
After administering a bit of cardbased leg-breaking, drowning in sweetest Belvedere and getting all up in nature's embrace 'twas time to depart unto our next destination...the stripclub.
Well imagine our combined horror and disgust when we realized that our favorite purveyor of lapdances and nubile young breasts had lost it's liquor licence. It took a few chemical clouded moments for the brilliant mind of Dane Barbados Jr. to realize that we were seeing a blessing in disguise.
After a jaunt to yon 'ol liquor store we began anew armed with champagne, Bevedere, Grand Marnier and other wondrous sundries.
Have you ever actually imagined what four thousand of your dollars will buy you at a stripclub?
Well the short answer is whatever you want from whomever you want. And it was truly beautiful.
After a quick drop-in to cleanse oursevles of stripper-sex and moon-flower medicine and to reingratiate ourselves with nature and her glorious green offerings we decided to visit Satan's own armpit...your city of Baltimore MD.
That when things got interesting.
Dane Barbados Jr. will get this out of the way upfront. I have travelled the world, from Australia to Africa, to Eastern Europe. And Baltimore has to be Dane Barbados Jr.'s least favorite city ever.
I regretted the decision of Jack as soon as we got off of 295, your B-W Parkway. The filth, the quality of the people, the overall sense of desperation, decay and depression. Squallid and horrid.
Not the cowardly types Jack and your humble narrator parked our carriage nearly on top of a few of the troglodytic locals and ventured forth towards the "inner harbor."
Now it must be noted that this "harbor" is not so much idyllic blue waters filled with many a picturesque galleon. No indeed. More like a green/brownish stew of ichor-thickened sludge issuing forth a varitable flotilla of used syringes, soiled condoms and broken dreams.
We were immediately assulted by the sounds, sights and personages of these drunken belligerent denizens of the night. With a mighty and herculean effort your Dane Barbados Jr. held his calm...
...until one of these unfortunates spilled a beer upon my finely chosen coat of blackest leather imported from my homeland.
It was then when Bully Jack slid into his pocket non-chalantly and slipped on a set of meticulously crafted brass-knuckles with ease and care of an old gent slipping his duff into his favored whore.
It took naught a minute for the fists to fly, the violence to erupt and the red, red, cruvvy to flow.
The most crimson of claret was upon my fists and forearms as Jack and I administered blow upon blow about the neck and noses of any whom were unfortunate enough to fall into our stead.
We cut a mighty swathe from the inner harbor to the depths of Fell's Point, splitting the faces of every man and capturing the heart of every woman.
When our rage was finally quenched, our unabated fury extinguished, we took pride upon ravishing the women of the fallen. We issued our newly accquired harem into a hastily booked hotel room and ended the year the way it was began...by acting out any and all of our lusty fantasies upon the uninitiated and making Dane Barbados Jr. the only name which those ladies would ever gasp in ecstasy.
...but with condoms of course...because Baltimore is filthy and it's denizens disease ridden.
Happy New Year's to you all sycophants.
To start his rousing evening the first thing that Dane Barbados Jr. did was enlist the company of comrade and nemesis Bully Jack. Decked in our fine apparel we journeyed to the abode of an accquaintance of the female persuasion.
Immediately upon entering the doors at 5.5p we proceeded to down several shots of sweetest Belvedere.
Later Dane Barbados Jr. was introduced to one of your cardgames known as "Spades"...and a game of kings that was indeed!
After administering a bit of cardbased leg-breaking, drowning in sweetest Belvedere and getting all up in nature's embrace 'twas time to depart unto our next destination...the stripclub.
Well imagine our combined horror and disgust when we realized that our favorite purveyor of lapdances and nubile young breasts had lost it's liquor licence. It took a few chemical clouded moments for the brilliant mind of Dane Barbados Jr. to realize that we were seeing a blessing in disguise.
After a jaunt to yon 'ol liquor store we began anew armed with champagne, Bevedere, Grand Marnier and other wondrous sundries.
Have you ever actually imagined what four thousand of your dollars will buy you at a stripclub?
Well the short answer is whatever you want from whomever you want. And it was truly beautiful.
After a quick drop-in to cleanse oursevles of stripper-sex and moon-flower medicine and to reingratiate ourselves with nature and her glorious green offerings we decided to visit Satan's own armpit...your city of Baltimore MD.
That when things got interesting.
Dane Barbados Jr. will get this out of the way upfront. I have travelled the world, from Australia to Africa, to Eastern Europe. And Baltimore has to be Dane Barbados Jr.'s least favorite city ever.
I regretted the decision of Jack as soon as we got off of 295, your B-W Parkway. The filth, the quality of the people, the overall sense of desperation, decay and depression. Squallid and horrid.
Not the cowardly types Jack and your humble narrator parked our carriage nearly on top of a few of the troglodytic locals and ventured forth towards the "inner harbor."
Now it must be noted that this "harbor" is not so much idyllic blue waters filled with many a picturesque galleon. No indeed. More like a green/brownish stew of ichor-thickened sludge issuing forth a varitable flotilla of used syringes, soiled condoms and broken dreams.
We were immediately assulted by the sounds, sights and personages of these drunken belligerent denizens of the night. With a mighty and herculean effort your Dane Barbados Jr. held his calm...
...until one of these unfortunates spilled a beer upon my finely chosen coat of blackest leather imported from my homeland.
It was then when Bully Jack slid into his pocket non-chalantly and slipped on a set of meticulously crafted brass-knuckles with ease and care of an old gent slipping his duff into his favored whore.
It took naught a minute for the fists to fly, the violence to erupt and the red, red, cruvvy to flow.
The most crimson of claret was upon my fists and forearms as Jack and I administered blow upon blow about the neck and noses of any whom were unfortunate enough to fall into our stead.
We cut a mighty swathe from the inner harbor to the depths of Fell's Point, splitting the faces of every man and capturing the heart of every woman.
When our rage was finally quenched, our unabated fury extinguished, we took pride upon ravishing the women of the fallen. We issued our newly accquired harem into a hastily booked hotel room and ended the year the way it was began...by acting out any and all of our lusty fantasies upon the uninitiated and making Dane Barbados Jr. the only name which those ladies would ever gasp in ecstasy.
...but with condoms of course...because Baltimore is filthy and it's denizens disease ridden.
Happy New Year's to you all sycophants.
posted by Dane Barbados Jr. at 4:59 PM
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