Dane Barbados Jr. on: Trapped in a Closet
Hello. Dane Barbados Jr. your humble narrator has been buried and bedraggled under the deluge of preperation of your holiday "Christmas."
During mine absence, these eyes were assulted by a DVD created by one of your musicians by the name of "R.Kelly," it was called "Trapped in a Closet."
...While raining blows upon the unfortunate and quite reprehensible soul who attempted to peddle this filth upon me I knew that there had to be a better way.
That brings us to this.
First I must say that I am continually amazed at the stupidity that you Americans can show. After doing a little research on this "R.Kelly" person I have discovered, with ease, that this person is soon to be on trail for having sex with and urinating on an underaged girl.
On tape.
This is a man with known proclivities towards underaged females. He even married one of your popsters Aliyah (who was temendously talented and died before her time) whilst she was underaged.
Surely you people know about this yes? Of course you do.
Turns out that this "R.Kelly sex-tape" was sold in a form that you call "bootleg" for quite some time so many of you cretinous vermin have actually seen the evidence.
The hilarious Dave Chappelle lampooned it in his historic instant sendup "Piss on U" and you all laughed...because you knew it was true.
The new animated comedy "The Boondocks" berates and ridicules your idolotry of Kelly and you all laugh...because you know that it's true.
But you don't care obviously. Dane Barbados Jr. can declare this because, against all logic, sense and morality all of R.Kelly's albums go platinum. Every. Single. One.
You even recently had the man sing your National Anthem. Where he proceeded to bring out a troupe of fairly comely dancers and break out into stereotypical "put 'cha hands together" shenanigans.
Perhaps he's just that good, thought Dane Barbados Jr.
...which brings us back to Trapped in a Closet.
I fear that my once lofty and titanic level of intelligence has been dulled to sub-moronic levels by the viewing of this clap-trap.
Now Dane Barbados Jr. will admit that perhaps the first one or two "Chapters" held some minor entertainment value.
Until one realizes that the utter stupidity of having what's said in song EXACTLY AND TOTALLY acted out upon the tellie is akin to being strapped down for a repeated, forced viewing of Bananas in Pajamas.
It didn't work for Men at Work with "Land Down Under" so it certainly won't work for you Kelly.
Needless to say that upon trying to ingest 6 so-called "Chapters" of rediculous so-called "plot-twists" of the quality of a soap opera dreampt up by an 8 year old with sever learning disabilities, dyslexia, and meglomaniacal-homocidal tendencies that I was driven into a haze of rage and vodka which could only be quenched and extinguished with picking a fight with a crack-addicted midget and beating him to a bloody pulp followed directly by the warm embrace of a triune of zaftig, raven-haired goddesses with gothic tendencies and a baker's dozen of bong hits administered by said goddesses.
Upon regaining my senses Dane Barbados Jr. decided to soldier on in an attempt to channel my vitriolic rage into this update for your perusal so that next time one of you is hit by a stray from a flurry of herculean uppercuts you will be able to reflect on how much Dane Barbados Jr. does for you whilst you convalesce in the emergency room.
So...I watched the Commentary track. I fear that a portion of my soul and sanity will never return.
I cannot adequately describe the inanity (no t "insanity" cretins) of watching R.Kelly minutely describe the actions onscreen which minutely describe the actions in the song which minutely describe the inner turmoil and insanity which rests in the mind of Kelly himself.
Dane Barbados Jr. thinks to himself: Who is really this stupid? Is anyone so truly deserving of my storied wrath that the are so witless as to need to have something that is plainly spelled out...re-spelled out to them?
And then I remember that there are millions of people who buy the albums of a man who pisses on children before having sex with them, makes a song declaring that he "don't see nothing wrong" with a little bump-n-grind, favorably compares his woman to (Lord spare my rage) his automobile (a JEEP!)...and inexplicably takes to wearing a Zorro mask, cap and cape.
Because you lack the intelligence to do it yourself...Dane Barbados Jr. hates you all and he does not approve.
During mine absence, these eyes were assulted by a DVD created by one of your musicians by the name of "R.Kelly," it was called "Trapped in a Closet."
...While raining blows upon the unfortunate and quite reprehensible soul who attempted to peddle this filth upon me I knew that there had to be a better way.
That brings us to this.
First I must say that I am continually amazed at the stupidity that you Americans can show. After doing a little research on this "R.Kelly" person I have discovered, with ease, that this person is soon to be on trail for having sex with and urinating on an underaged girl.
On tape.
This is a man with known proclivities towards underaged females. He even married one of your popsters Aliyah (who was temendously talented and died before her time) whilst she was underaged.
Surely you people know about this yes? Of course you do.
Turns out that this "R.Kelly sex-tape" was sold in a form that you call "bootleg" for quite some time so many of you cretinous vermin have actually seen the evidence.
The hilarious Dave Chappelle lampooned it in his historic instant sendup "Piss on U" and you all laughed...because you knew it was true.
The new animated comedy "The Boondocks" berates and ridicules your idolotry of Kelly and you all laugh...because you know that it's true.
But you don't care obviously. Dane Barbados Jr. can declare this because, against all logic, sense and morality all of R.Kelly's albums go platinum. Every. Single. One.
You even recently had the man sing your National Anthem. Where he proceeded to bring out a troupe of fairly comely dancers and break out into stereotypical "put 'cha hands together" shenanigans.
Perhaps he's just that good, thought Dane Barbados Jr.
...which brings us back to Trapped in a Closet.
I fear that my once lofty and titanic level of intelligence has been dulled to sub-moronic levels by the viewing of this clap-trap.
Now Dane Barbados Jr. will admit that perhaps the first one or two "Chapters" held some minor entertainment value.
Until one realizes that the utter stupidity of having what's said in song EXACTLY AND TOTALLY acted out upon the tellie is akin to being strapped down for a repeated, forced viewing of Bananas in Pajamas.
It didn't work for Men at Work with "Land Down Under" so it certainly won't work for you Kelly.Needless to say that upon trying to ingest 6 so-called "Chapters" of rediculous so-called "plot-twists" of the quality of a soap opera dreampt up by an 8 year old with sever learning disabilities, dyslexia, and meglomaniacal-homocidal tendencies that I was driven into a haze of rage and vodka which could only be quenched and extinguished with picking a fight with a crack-addicted midget and beating him to a bloody pulp followed directly by the warm embrace of a triune of zaftig, raven-haired goddesses with gothic tendencies and a baker's dozen of bong hits administered by said goddesses.
Upon regaining my senses Dane Barbados Jr. decided to soldier on in an attempt to channel my vitriolic rage into this update for your perusal so that next time one of you is hit by a stray from a flurry of herculean uppercuts you will be able to reflect on how much Dane Barbados Jr. does for you whilst you convalesce in the emergency room.
So...I watched the Commentary track. I fear that a portion of my soul and sanity will never return.
I cannot adequately describe the inanity (no t "insanity" cretins) of watching R.Kelly minutely describe the actions onscreen which minutely describe the actions in the song which minutely describe the inner turmoil and insanity which rests in the mind of Kelly himself.
Dane Barbados Jr. thinks to himself: Who is really this stupid? Is anyone so truly deserving of my storied wrath that the are so witless as to need to have something that is plainly spelled out...re-spelled out to them?
And then I remember that there are millions of people who buy the albums of a man who pisses on children before having sex with them, makes a song declaring that he "don't see nothing wrong" with a little bump-n-grind, favorably compares his woman to (Lord spare my rage) his automobile (a JEEP!)...and inexplicably takes to wearing a Zorro mask, cap and cape.
Because you lack the intelligence to do it yourself...Dane Barbados Jr. hates you all and he does not approve.
posted by Dane Barbados Jr. at 6:16 PM
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