Dane Barbados Jr. Presents: New Year's Resolutions

Dane Barbados Jr. has not been posting much this past week. He does not apologize of course for you are not worthy of such.

However he will raise his head from betwixt the silken thighs of a delicious nubian goddess whose name he does not know, nor care about; shake the Chopin (it's vodka you tossers) residue from out of his brain and clears the smoke of nature's embrace from his eyes long enough to share his New Year's resolutions with you.

1. To procure more poundcake from desperate fat girls.

2. Find and do dirty, shameful, things to Jennifer Tilly after smiting her with the charm that only Dane Barbados Jr. can deliver.


3. To consume twice mine own body weight in the sweetest of sweet nature's embrace.


4. To secure a quartet of redheaded midgets from your American midwest, dressed as a clown to follow three steps behind Dane Barbados Jr. at all times with an ashtray constructed from the skull of Wallace of Cornwall.


5. To pounce upon Paris Hilton dressed as V from soon-to-be-movie "V for Vendetta," tie her to a chair, kick her in the box and shave her head for her transgressions, then proceed to force-feed her delicous sandwiches followed by taping her eyelids open and teaching her to read past a second-grade level.

click to make larger cretins

6. To romance and sodomize your mother...just because.

7. To rain Herculean blows upon the face of Fred Durst to punish him for years of annoying us all.


8. To present Tara Ried with the vacuous, drug-addled tart and most horrendous breast implants award of 2006. Then directly deposit her into rehab.


9. To lock R. Kelly in a closet with a 450lb. prison inmate with a bladder condition named SweetPea, tape his screams for help and anguish at having his anus rended in twain and relaese it as "Trapped in a Closet, Part 10"
...though admittedly he's most likely beaten me to this one.

10. To present Britney and Kevin with a brand spanking new trailer home.

And finally I, Dane Barbados Jr., pledge to not be as nice and cuddly in 2006 as I have been in 2005 lest you all get complacent and comfortable.

This has been my first year in your United States. This has been my first year of having a "blog." I have recieved 4000 hits in that time. This is not sufficient my loyal sycophants.

Spread the gospel of Dane Barbados Jr. lest I rend your comely sisters.

Go forth gentle readers into 2006 with alcohol, sex and copious drugs of your choice. Dane Barbados Jr. hates you all but wishes you well into this new year. Prepare for more entertainment and enlightenment from your humble narrator in the year next.