Dane Barbados Jr. Presents: New Year's Resolutions

Dane Barbados Jr. has not been posting much this past week. He does not apologize of course for you are not worthy of such.

However he will raise his head from betwixt the silken thighs of a delicious nubian goddess whose name he does not know, nor care about; shake the Chopin (it's vodka you tossers) residue from out of his brain and clears the smoke of nature's embrace from his eyes long enough to share his New Year's resolutions with you.

1. To procure more poundcake from desperate fat girls.

2. Find and do dirty, shameful, things to Jennifer Tilly after smiting her with the charm that only Dane Barbados Jr. can deliver.


3. To consume twice mine own body weight in the sweetest of sweet nature's embrace.


4. To secure a quartet of redheaded midgets from your American midwest, dressed as a clown to follow three steps behind Dane Barbados Jr. at all times with an ashtray constructed from the skull of Wallace of Cornwall.


5. To pounce upon Paris Hilton dressed as V from soon-to-be-movie "V for Vendetta," tie her to a chair, kick her in the box and shave her head for her transgressions, then proceed to force-feed her delicous sandwiches followed by taping her eyelids open and teaching her to read past a second-grade level.

click to make larger cretins

6. To romance and sodomize your mother...just because.

7. To rain Herculean blows upon the face of Fred Durst to punish him for years of annoying us all.


8. To present Tara Ried with the vacuous, drug-addled tart and most horrendous breast implants award of 2006. Then directly deposit her into rehab.


9. To lock R. Kelly in a closet with a 450lb. prison inmate with a bladder condition named SweetPea, tape his screams for help and anguish at having his anus rended in twain and relaese it as "Trapped in a Closet, Part 10"
...though admittedly he's most likely beaten me to this one.

10. To present Britney and Kevin with a brand spanking new trailer home.

And finally I, Dane Barbados Jr., pledge to not be as nice and cuddly in 2006 as I have been in 2005 lest you all get complacent and comfortable.

This has been my first year in your United States. This has been my first year of having a "blog." I have recieved 4000 hits in that time. This is not sufficient my loyal sycophants.

Spread the gospel of Dane Barbados Jr. lest I rend your comely sisters.

Go forth gentle readers into 2006 with alcohol, sex and copious drugs of your choice. Dane Barbados Jr. hates you all but wishes you well into this new year. Prepare for more entertainment and enlightenment from your humble narrator in the year next.

Dane Barbados Jr. Presents: The Idiocy of Josef Stalin

Today (or tonight for you nit-picking sycophants) your humble narrator Dane Barbados Jr. came upon this interesting little nugget.

It just goes to show that moronic, idiotic, men with child-like plans and schemes to win wars was not invented over the last six years.

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Stalin Planned Army of Ape-Man Super-Warriors

Created: 20.12.2005 11:20 MSK (GMT +3), Updated: 11:20 MSK, 16 hours 32 minutes ago

MosNews



Soviet dictator Josef Stalin ordered the creation of Planet of the Apes-style warriors by crossing humans with apes, according to recently uncovered secret documents, the Scotsman.com reports.

Moscow archives show that in the mid-1920s Russia’s top animal breeding scientist, Ilya Ivanov, was ordered to turn his skills from horse and animal work to the quest for a super-warrior.

Stalin reportedly told the scientist: “I want a new invincible human being, insensitive to pain, resistant and indifferent about the quality of food they eat.”

In 1926 the Politburo in Moscow passed the request to the Academy of Science with the order to build a “living war machine”. The order came at a time when the Soviet Union was embarked on a crusade to turn the world upside down, with social engineering seen as a partner to industrialization: new cities, architecture, and a new egalitarian society were being created.

The Soviet authorities were struggling to rebuild the Red Army after bruising wars.

And there was intense pressure to find a new labor force, particularly one that would not complain, with Russia about to embark on its first Five-Year Plan for fast-track industrialization.

Ivanov was highly regarded. He had established his reputation under the last Russian tsar Nicholas II when in 1901 he established the world’s first centre for the artificial insemination of racehorses.

Ivanov’s ideas were music to the ears of Soviet planners and in 1926 he was dispatched to West Africa with $200,000 to conduct his first experiment in impregnating chimpanzees.

Meanwhile, a centre for the experiments was set up in Georgia — Stalin’s birthplace — for the apes to be raised.

Of course Ivanov’s experiments were a total failure. He returned to the Soviet Union, only to see experiments in Georgia to use monkey sperm in human volunteers similarly fail.

A final attempt to persuade Cuba to lend some monkeys for further experiments reached American ears, with the New York Times reporting on the story, and Havana dropped the idea amid the uproar.

Ivanov was now in disgrace. His were not the only experiments going wrong: the plan to collectivize farms ended in the 1932 famine in which at least four million died.

For his expensive failure, he was sentenced to five years in jail, which was later commuted to five years’ exile in the Central Asian republic of Kazakhstan in 1931. A year later he died, reportedly after falling sick while standing on a freezing railway platform.

http://news.scotsman.com/internatio...m?id=2434192005
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And you thought this sort of idiocy was only displayed in your country. Well Dane Barbados Jr. has once again put you all at peace. And to think that this fool ruled for a good while and manged somehow to commit atrocites that cost the lives of very, very many. But then again rampant stupidity in rulers often costs lives. You may thank Dane Barbados Jr. at your leisure.

Except those of you in Russia. You all may hang your heads.

Dane Barbados Jr. Returns to: Scarlett Johansen

Dane Barbados feels that it is time again to revisit his favorite caucasion American Goddess, Ms. Scarjo.

He finds it amazing that she looks so different in each pictorial and always manages to figuratively piss on the so-called beauty of her contemporaries...Dane pisses on said beauty literally.

And even with her semi-severe cockeye she still manages perfection.









Cockeyed Scarjo > Britney Spears
Cockeyed Scarjo > X-Tina
Cockeyed Scarjo > Paris Hilton
Cockeyed Scarjo > Madonna

If you do not agree you are either a jealous female, a jealous homosexual, or simply an idiot.

Ms. Johansen, Dane Barbados Jr. salutes.

p.s. for you cretinous lackwits out there, ">" denotes "greater than/more than."

Dane Barbados Jr. on: Britney Spears and Kevin Federline

Those of you with even a modicum of intelligence and observational abilities that are above a crack-addled chimpanzee's may have noticed that Dane Barbados Jr. has not commented upon this whole Britney Spears/Keven Federline trainwreck.

Why you may ask? Because, in all honestly, I just assumed it was much the same as any other trailer-park coupling in your country.

Well it is to be said that Dane Barbados Jr. had all intention of continuing said ignoring until he stumbled upon this little gem from Mr.Federline:

"I love her. But ask me now about life apart from Britney, and all I can say is, 'Can it be any worse than living with her?' I am doing what she wanted, getting out of the house and trying to find work, but I do that and she trashes my efforts. She just wants me at her beck and call as a little house husband. Marriage is something you don't go into lightly. She has to learn she can't just pick me up and dump me off, like her first husband." The tabloid also claims he confided that his lawyers will demand $125 million if the pair split. " I have to get protection," Federline is quoted as saying.

Allow yourselves the time to let this sink in...that's apparently more than your gutter-snipe Ms.Spears did. But then again her whorish qualities are storied.

Were you to feel sorry for Ms. Spears Dane Barbados Jr. would urge you to stop, before he rocks your jawbone with a "molly-wop" of Herculean proportions for your ignorance.

She once proclaimed in what could very, very, loosely be referred to as "song" as being "not that innocent"...well she certainly isn't ver smart either.

Which is to say only an idiot would see her "man" leave his pregnant girlfriend and not realize that history repeats itself correct?

Only and idiot would think that a man with a spotty history of employment would suddenly want to be imployed...after marrying someone worth millions correct?

Only an idiot would sire an in-wedlock bastard with a cad who cares more about the Ferarri that you gave him than with the degeneration of the marriage correct?

Only an idiot would want to stay wed to a "man" who's musical stylings manage to be somehow WORSE than Ms.Spears herself correct?

If you answered "no" to any of those questions then you clearly share the same intelligence as your idol Ms. Spears and are not subject to the pity of Barbados. Merely the rage.

And lest we realize how stupid Ms. Spears is let us remember that this is the same trollop that somehow believes that she can snow the entire populace of your country (which admittedly is not hard) into believing that her breasts are indeed natural...

...that showed her true class and wit by fellating her man-boy in front of a myriad of photographers...

...who showed her love of walking barefoot in gas station bathrooms...

...among myriad other examples that are only as far away as any broadcast or print interview with the empty headed slore.

Does Dane Barbados Jr. pity her situation? Yes, for the sole fact that I cannot line Ms. Spears and Mr. Federline together in such a way as to cripple them both with one kidney punch and insure that they never breed again.

Remember kids, Dane Barbados Jr. will not lie to you. She got what she deserved so fuck them both.

Enjoy your pointing and laughing kids.

Dane Barbados Jr. Proundly Salutes: Richard Pryor, a legend passes.

Today we must mourn the passing of a legend. Richard Pryor has passed on and the world will truly be worse for his absence.

Even in my country his biting observation of society and racial politics were legend.

He graced film. He graced audio. He graced us all with his existence. He paved the way for the Dave Chappelles of the world and his impact is undeniable.

Richard Pryor is gone. But his is not forgotten.

Dane Barbados Jr. kneels and proudly salutes Richard Pryor who will truly and surely be missed.

Dane Barbados Jr. Laughs at: 50 Cent's Thuggin' Love

Read with me children and laugh as I laugh:




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December 7, 2005 10:00 p.m. EST

William J Brown - All Headline News Staff

(BANG) - 50 Cent reportedly slunk out of a Paris nightclub after being snubbed by all the pretty girls inside. The rapper was at a party thrown for him on Monday when he failed to attract the attention of any of the beautiful women enjoying the bash.

A partygoer in the VIP room told Britain's Daily Mirror newspaper: "The party was thrown in his honor but instead of getting into it he just sat there looking sulky, drinking his free champagne."He looked as if he was waiting to be surrounded by gorgeous girls vying for his attention. But the girls pretty much ignored him."

The singer was allegedly so desperate for some female company he even asked his bodyguards to invite some sexy girls over to his table - but they refused to come and sit with him.The insider revealed: "After a while, one of his goons approached two good-looking girls and asked them to join Fiddy at his table, but they seemed nonplussed.

"Parisian girls tend to be pretty aloof and are just not the sorts to fawn over a rapper like that and so after being knocked back 50 left, very stony-faced."
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Now, as the astute among you may recognize, this article, whilst fairly funny, is not worthy of the vaunted and valued attention of Dane Barbados Jr. and you would be correct.

No what makes this article truly funny is the fact that I read came upon this mere days after I came across another article that Mr. Cent is contemplating teh creation and marketing of a line of female masturbational aids modeled after his own...'physique.'

Whilst Fiddy certianly seems to think highly of himself he may wish to reconsider Paris as a viable marketplace.

Oh the ignorance and buffoonery of such public figures. 'Tis amusing.

Dane Barbados Jr. on: Trapped in a Closet

Hello. Dane Barbados Jr. your humble narrator has been buried and bedraggled under the deluge of preperation of your holiday "Christmas."

During mine absence, these eyes were assulted by a DVD created by one of your musicians by the name of "R.Kelly," it was called "Trapped in a Closet."

...While raining blows upon the unfortunate and quite reprehensible soul who attempted to peddle this filth upon me I knew that there had to be a better way.

That brings us to this.

First I must say that I am continually amazed at the stupidity that you Americans can show. After doing a little research on this "R.Kelly" person I have discovered, with ease, that this person is soon to be on trail for having sex with and urinating on an underaged girl.

On tape.

This is a man with known proclivities towards underaged females. He even married one of your popsters Aliyah (who was temendously talented and died before her time) whilst she was underaged.

Surely you people know about this yes? Of course you do.

Turns out that this "R.Kelly sex-tape" was sold in a form that you call "bootleg" for quite some time so many of you cretinous vermin have actually seen the evidence.

The hilarious Dave Chappelle lampooned it in his historic instant sendup "Piss on U" and you all laughed...because you knew it was true.

The new animated comedy "The Boondocks" berates and ridicules your idolotry of Kelly and you all laugh...because you know that it's true.

But you don't care obviously. Dane Barbados Jr. can declare this because, against all logic, sense and morality all of R.Kelly's albums go platinum. Every. Single. One.

You even recently had the man sing your National Anthem. Where he proceeded to bring out a troupe of fairly comely dancers and break out into stereotypical "put 'cha hands together" shenanigans.

Perhaps he's just that good, thought Dane Barbados Jr.

...which brings us back to Trapped in a Closet.

I fear that my once lofty and titanic level of intelligence has been dulled to sub-moronic levels by the viewing of this clap-trap.

Now Dane Barbados Jr. will admit that perhaps the first one or two "Chapters" held some minor entertainment value.

Until one realizes that the utter stupidity of having what's said in song EXACTLY AND TOTALLY acted out upon the tellie is akin to being strapped down for a repeated, forced viewing of Bananas in Pajamas.

It didn't work for Men at Work with "Land Down Under" so it certainly won't work for you Kelly.

Needless to say that upon trying to ingest 6 so-called "Chapters" of rediculous so-called "plot-twists" of the quality of a soap opera dreampt up by an 8 year old with sever learning disabilities, dyslexia, and meglomaniacal-homocidal tendencies that I was driven into a haze of rage and vodka which could only be quenched and extinguished with picking a fight with a crack-addicted midget and beating him to a bloody pulp followed directly by the warm embrace of a triune of zaftig, raven-haired goddesses with gothic tendencies and a baker's dozen of bong hits administered by said goddesses.

Upon regaining my senses Dane Barbados Jr. decided to soldier on in an attempt to channel my vitriolic rage into this update for your perusal so that next time one of you is hit by a stray from a flurry of herculean uppercuts you will be able to reflect on how much Dane Barbados Jr. does for you whilst you convalesce in the emergency room.

So...I watched the Commentary track. I fear that a portion of my soul and sanity will never return.

I cannot adequately describe the inanity (no t "insanity" cretins) of watching R.Kelly minutely describe the actions onscreen which minutely describe the actions in the song which minutely describe the inner turmoil and insanity which rests in the mind of Kelly himself.

Dane Barbados Jr. thinks to himself: Who is really this stupid? Is anyone so truly deserving of my storied wrath that the are so witless as to need to have something that is plainly spelled out...re-spelled out to them?

And then I remember that there are millions of people who buy the albums of a man who pisses on children before having sex with them, makes a song declaring that he "don't see nothing wrong" with a little bump-n-grind, favorably compares his woman to (Lord spare my rage) his automobile (a JEEP!)...and inexplicably takes to wearing a Zorro mask, cap and cape.

Because you lack the intelligence to do it yourself...Dane Barbados Jr. hates you all and he does not approve.