Dane Barbados Jr. reveiws: Transporter 2

Ah Transporter 2. What an odd film indeed. It's shallow, it's loud, and it's easily one of the most unrealistic films ever viewed by one Dane Barbados Jr. The titular, always besuited, Transporter Frank Martin (Jason Statham) performs feats that elevate the film to comic book proportions.

In one scene there is a bomb placed on the underside of his pristine Audi (they make sure you know it's an Audi) and he cannot leave the car. His solution? He speeds his car towards a ramp (in a convenient junkyard) hits the ramp launching the car 60 feet into air INVERTED! And scrapes the exposive device off on a hook dangling from a crane that he glimpsed in passing earlier in the film.

...Lest I forget, he also dodges bullets in one scene.

Now you (in your eternal dimness) may think that Dane Barbados Jr. did not enjoy the film but the fact is that, as you well know (if you know anything), that Dane Barbados Jr. will not lie to you.

I loved this film and left it feeling a sense of satisfaction the likes of which can only be met with spending an evening with comely, zaftig, triplets.

Though you should know what you're getting into. And any semblance of realism and physics is not that.

The plot device in the movie is a deadly virus that happens to be a lovely shade of flourescent green. The antidote, of course, is a matching day-glo shade of purple. Pure comic book, Incredible Hulk, colors. Huzzah.And who could forget the lovely, blonde, blue eyed, eternally lingere-clad skeleton that serves as the scowling henchwoman. I suppose she will appeal to the sad, cobwebbed, libidos of teenaged males and losers worldwide. Dane Barbados Jr. kept wondering if anyone would feed her a sandwich.

And the CG...oh the Playstation 2 quality CG...superb. And NO I'm not being sarcastic.

The action of the film was superb. As the film is called "The Transporter" it should go without saying that the car chases are top notch featuring, seperately, Frank Martin behind a Lamborhgini, a jetski; and the highlight, the Audi in a parking garage with a finale of such macho, adrenaline-fueled, utterly rediculously wondrous finale that Dane Barbados Jr., in a fit of unusual charity, will not spoil.

Also it should be noted that, to his credit, Jason Statham seems to have performed his own stunts which results in fantastic fight scenes the likes of which I though were dead in cinema.
The kind where the camera is pulled back far enough for you to actually see what the fuck is going on and track the action. Not the cookie cutter, over edited, super closeup fight coreography of late.

In finale I will mention the unfortunate sort who sat directly behind myself in your multiplex. This befuddled, inbred, gentleman was not smart enough to know what kind of movie he was getting into and felt the need to procliam "yeah right" and "get the fuck out of here" whenever some impossible feat occured on screen. You can imagine how often that must have been. All it took was a well placed five across the eyes to silence him, earning Dane Barbados Jr. more unwanted adoration from the unwashed masses.

In short, see the movie. Enjoy the rediculousness of it all. And remember the lesson it gives: If ever you cross a psychotic, murderous, skeleton wearing naught but skimpy lingere and layers of caked on eye makeup...

...offer her a sandwich.


Hollywood remake update: The Fog.