Dane Barbados Jr. Recalls: A Conversation with Wheels

So, today, your Humble Narrator was at a certain establishment again in order to sample the models during a photosession for a calendar pictorial.

With the presence of nubile young specimens and ample free-food it was only a matter of time before Wheels graced us with his illustrious presence and an ear-piercing wail of:

"AAAAAAAAAAYYY!!! You'll never guess what I did last night..."

Now Dane Barbados Jr. knew immediately that some manner of filth and sundry was to follow so he stood mute. His compatriots however were not so wise.

"Nah, nah I won't tell you," Wheels continued, "it might be to kinky for you."

Now (let's call him Sam) Sam egged Wheels on to continue the story while Dane Barbados Jr. inhaled deeply upon his Camel Light waiting for the hammer to fall.

He was not disappointed when Wheels continued:

"So yeah...you got a dog right?"

This was, predictably, met with aghast looks from those not named Dane Barbados Jr. who were in attendance.

"So yeah, skeet on this. I was in my bed and my dog came in (she's a female dog) and I called her over to me."

"She was begging and begging to be fed right guy? But I was in bed and I didn't have any food. So I thought to myself 'what else does a dog like other than food?' So I took my thumb--this thumb right here--"

When he said this Wheels illustrated his point by grinding the thumb in question into the arm of one of the unfortunate gentlemen (I use the term loosely) in attendance, an act which (if performed on Dane Barbados Jr.) would have led Wheels to be a total parapalegic as opposed to partial.

"--I took this thumb right here and dug it deep into her ear and kinda skeeted around in her ear there. And her tail was wagging and all that...it was great. Well when I took my finger out I saw that it was covered with, like, black junk and crap and stuff so I held it up to her and she licked it off. Yeah it was great. Told you it was kinky."

While the rest of the gents and terrified ladies were gagging and trying not to swallow their rots Your Humble posed the point: "Wheels it's only kinky if you try to make it sexual."

To which Wheels responded: "DUDE! It fuckin' WAS sexual!"

This is a person that Dane Barbados Jr. knows in real life. This story is true. These are the events that would crack the mind of a normal man...it just reaffirms to Dane Barbados Jr. that he truly is better than everyone.

Dane Barbados Jr. Reviews: Posiedon

So Dane Barbados Jr. will suppose that most of his gentle readers are familiar with the Black Eyed Peas yes? That one time credible rap troupe who now saturates the airwaves, layering their insipid "music" on commercials for your National Basketball Association and your Best Buys and they drill themselves into your psyche with such gloriously un-PC claptrap classics such as "Let's Get Retarded"....which was sanitized to "Let's Get It Started."

If you actually like the Black Eyed Peas you may feel free to exit the site now before Dane Barbados Jr. hunts you down and delivers a flurry of fatal kidney blows.

You may be wond'ring why Dane Barbados Jr. has prefaced this review of a film with a miniature treatise on the Black Eyed Peas? That would be because Fergie (Stacy Ferguson) of said Peas plays a part in the movie. Yes Fergie, she of the Olympian levels of silicone and collogen. She who appears much like a 60 year-old surgically enhanced grandmother who hits on her granddaughter's boyfriends whilst engulfed in a thick patina of stale Marlboro Light smoke.

The same Fergie who wants to appear as a topless stripper in The Sopranos and rates one of the rare female celebrities who Dane Barbados Jr. would murder to NOT see naked.

Well yes. She's in the movie. And dies.

And Dane Barbados Jr. delcares it glorious and wonderful.

See the movie for this. You will not be displeased.

That is all.

Dane Barbados Jr. on: Myspace

So, it may surprise you to know, Dane Barbados Jr. has a myspace page.

And he was immediately infuriated and deleted it.

Why you may ask? Dane Barbados Jr. declares it alright since stupid people often ask many questions.

Dane Barbados Jr. deleted it primarily because of being inundated with "friend requests" from what he likes to call "myspace whores."

Those women (and a few men) whom tart themselves up and send mass bombings of such requests to any and everyone in hopes of being added to their lists of friends whom aren't really friends merely ethereal, electronic, substitues for what they lack in the living world.

In naught but a single day Dane Barbados Jr. found his myspace box and, indeed, his e-mail box filled with requests from tarty women whom he did not know and cared not for.

Which leads one to ask: is having an exhorbitantly large "friends list" so important as to pester legions of people one does not know? Are there some monetary benefits to having such a large list?

It is Dane Barbados Jr.'s position that, in many cases, it leads from that unfortunate affliction that plagues scores of American women...the undying and unquenchable thirst for attention, attention and more attention.

Enough attention for a 90 lb. internet vixen-cum-slore to tell herself that she's only "a little fat."

Enough attention for a breast implanted, internet, bottle-blonde to forget the times that Uncle Joe touched her no-no zone after midnight.

Also because...well Dane Barbados Jr. is convinced that many of these myspace whores are, in fact, actual prostitutes.

And the saddest thing?

It works.

Here Dane Barbados Jr. will give you but a sampling of comments from the pages of unabashed and unashamed myspace whores:

-hey do i know u and if u do u look real good
(Dane Barbados Jr. declares this gentleman a champion of the species and considers it a shame that he will likely never get close enough to a non-digital female long enough to perform the reproductive act)

- Thanks for the compliments I like your pics too, Your a keeper
(note the moronic misspelling of "you're" and the fact that this idiot clearly doesn't realize that the initial request was filled with generic compliments and sentiments)

- what up ma.....thanxs for the request sexy, holla at me,
(Yes as if this "sexy ma" would ever holla at this troglodyte)

-Hey there *****, Since I've added you I haven't heard from you I hope all is well come by and let me know that it is some time. Take Care
(this truly pathetic specimen actually knows the truth, he's just too sad to admit it to himself knowing that his entire digitized world will collapse)

- hey wasup you going to talk to me
(no...no she isn't. How stupid of you for asking)

- Thanks for the add, stay sexy and tasty luv. Hit me up cause I really like your style.
(Dane Barbados Jr. truly hopes that this internet lothario decided to hold his breath while waiting for his "luv" to "hit him up")

If it wasn't for the fact that Dane Barbados Jr. already knew that the vast majority of humanity on the internet is stupid and beyond hope the vast expance of myspace whoritude would truly make him weep.

If Dane Barbados Jr. was capable of weeping that is.

Dane Barbados Jr. says: If you must be on myspace...don't be a whore.

Oh and afterthought, if you are one of those prepubescent myspace mini-whores who overload their pages with seizure inducing videos, flash animation, sparkles, mouseovers, trails and embedded music Dane Barbados Jr. will personally hunt you down and deliver an earth shattering kick to the ovaries so that you may never produce any more of your kind.

That is all.

Dane Barbados Jr. is Disturbed by: The Insanity of Tom Cruise

Dane Barbados Jr. is truly tired to writing about Tom Cruise. However Tom Cruise keeps making a spectacle of himself to the degree that blinds even Your Humble.

We all saw his schitzo tirade against the flower-squirter...calling him a "jerk."

We all saw his inane and baffling ramblings on the evils of anti-psychotic medications (which actually explains alot about Tom Cruise when you think about it).

We saw him manhandle Oprah and nearly sexually assult her poor couch with his joy over his relationship with the former Katie Holmes (we'll get to that in a second).

You may have heard about his demand that Ms. Holmes have a traditional (and quite insane) Scientology silent birth.

Dane Barbados Jr. himself made you aware of Tom Cruise's absolutely, positively, random and disturbing thoughts on the taste and nutrition of his child's afterbirth.

Well now Mr. Cruise has "talked" Ms. Holmes into changing her god-given, birthname, of Katie to merely Kate. (Though We prefer the term "Brainwashing").

Here's what he had to say on the subject: "Katie" sounded too young for a 27-year-old and she would now be known to friends and family as "Kate." Tom says: "Katie is a young girl's name. Her name is Kate now – she's a child-bearing woman."

You may have noticed in your infinite dullness, as Dane Barbados Jr. suspected long ago. To whit: Tom Cruise is clearly insane.

Now, genteel reader, Dane Barbados Jr. knows that that term is thrown around fairly loosely. No, Tom Cruise is clearly certifiably insane. As in is in desperate need of medication, a nice padded room, shoes with no laces and a delightful basket weaving class.

And no doubt is all because he is unmasculinely short.

Which is why Dane Barbados Jr. always says: Fuck Short People.