Dane Barbados Jr. on: Sury the anti-Christ, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes

So by now you must be aware that the Great Satan is among us.

The dim bulbs among you may be wondering of what Dane Barbados Jr. speaks.

Well the birth of Tomkat's child of course.

Scientology's gift to the world.


...Yes, Dane Barbados Jr. will give you time to cringe in fear and dread though he will not join you.

One can only assume that "Sury" is Scientologese for "Death of all humanity."

Time will tell what damage this gutter-concieved demon spawn will bring.

The fact that Tom Cruise mused at how tasty and nutritous the afterbirth would be if consumed does not give Dane Barbados Jr. confidence.

...and before you ask...yes, he actually DID say that.

Cavort and scrum whilst you can little sycophants for the end us surely nigh. If ever you chance upon Tom Cruise be sure to spit upon him.

...though he will likely call you a jerk.

Dane Barbados Jr. does NOT approve.

Dane Barbados Jr. Presents: A Day In the Life (part III)

Now it is a known fact that Dane Barbados Jr. is not a very nice man. Can, indeed, be called a terrible person. He cares naught. Now that being said there are some things that Dane Barbados Jr. can not even do.

Exposing a child to a malnourished paralyzed man in a wheelchair having sex with a middlegrade whore in the warehouse of a car dealership is one of those things.

So Dane Barbados Jr. said: "Hello child. Mr. Barbados Jr. bids you good day. Begone before he rains blows of such ferocity upon your growing form that you will grow forever scarred."

To which the child laughed, said "Same old Mr. Barbados" and left. Lesson: Cruelty can often be used for good little Sycophants.

Dane Barbados Jr. then proceeded into the lion's den, or open bay if you will, to close the door when he was accosted by the high-pitched squeel of Wheels:

"Hey man what are you doing? Don't skeet on that man, let 'em see man let 'em see!"

"Silence Wheels! Cease this nonsense. Fuck your diseased trollop if you must but spare the ears of Barbados Jr. from your incessant garbagemouth!"

To which Wheels replied: "C'mon Dane! I need the light man so I can 'skeet up in this chick!"

I then shut the bay door and flipped a light switch for Wheels to do his deed, then exited posthaste.

Some time later (with Wheels still with his spumbucket) one of the employees of the place came in after doing some outside work. Locking eyes with the owner Dane Barbados Jr. knew then what must be done and said:

"P thou wilst not believe what nonsense Wheels has, once again, brought into your place of businees."

"God man what now?" P said, "I don't even want to see do I?"

"Indeed you must for it is of the utmost hilarity."

Well no man or woman can deny the words of Barbados and P opened the door...

...stood there for five seconds with a look of fascination and disgust on his face...

...then said "oh shit...sorry." And closed the door proclaiming your Humble an asshole and villain...which I am of course and could offer no rebuttal.

Not five minutes afterwords P, while looking outside of the window, said "How long has Wheels' Mom been outside?"

My compatriots froze in terror whilst honeyed gales of laughter escaped from betwixt the lips of Barbados.

Mrs. Wheels, the wife of their landlord, stepped into the shop, not 40 feet from where her only son (crippled or otherwise) was presumably balling a dimestore guttersnipe and asked: "Have any of you guys seen ******? I've been looking for him for awhile now and they said he was here."

Still paralyzed my comrades all rolled their glazzies to your Humble. As always Dane Barbados Jr. took the situation firmly in hand and said: "Yes madam, I do believe I saw young ****** going behind the buildings yonder into the woods. Mayhap you'll find him there."

And like many a vaginite before her she found herself hypnotized by the dulcet tones of Barbados and believed even that most unlikely scenario, blushed, and left.

All my compatriots let loose hefty sighs whilst I just laughed.

Fifteen minutes later Wheels exited the warehouse into the office, shirt off, flushed, and sweatpants moist (to all our disgust) and proclaimed loudly: "Hey guys I'm done with that overthere, you guys can skeet up in that if you want to!"

Dane Barbados Jr. rose, patted Wheels on the head in reward for a line of such vulgarity and baseness and exited thinking to himself that this was truly indicative of the average day in the life.

So there you have it loyal and frequent readers. Such was but a small section, an hour and a half at most, in the life of Dane Barbados Jr.

He approves and delcares all other than slight changing of names, to be a true story.

You may marvel at such at your leisure.

Dane Barbados Jr. Presents: A Day In the Life (part II)

So there was your humble narrator, Dane Barbados Jr., and his droogs standing in front of the large front window in the office having just witnessed a thin, unkempt, wheelchair-bound, parapalegic purchase a young whore from her pimp in broad daylight.

Next we viddied (saw that is) Wheels, with his thin arm around the whore's thin hips, point towards the office and my droogs immediately scrambled to their offices. Not so for Dane Barbados Jr. who stood fast.

The young whore came into the office and attempted to start up small talk with yours truly, seemingly very ignorant of the fact that Dane Barbados Jr. would expend neither the effort or the time to waste words on a whore such as her, and took a seat.


Wheels came into the office and led the young bit of fluff back into the warehouse. He then returned yelling at the top of his unfeeble voice "Yo! Who can a brother skeet a condom from?"

With an embarassed look upon his face the CFO of the company Kay came out and asked Wheels how many he needed and the response was two. Kay then gave him two condoms.

Wheels then asked if any of us had any "love lotion." To which your Humble responded that he could use the lubricant from the dildo machine that he had stored in the warehouse.

...a short aside. As has already been mentioned Wheels was the type to attempt to make quick and easy money. One of those methods was attempting to sell random things on your eBay.com.

One of these things was two full pallets of a disgusting concoction known as "Chico on the Nile." The ingredients of such lightly carbonated beverage included guava juice, papya juice, mango juice, strawberry juice...

...and carrot juice, onion juice and cabbage concentrate. Indeed.

Another of these odd items, and the purpose of this aside, is the afore mentioned dildo machine. This machine was clearly homemade. It was essentially a large, red, metal toolbox with a large metal rod protruding from the front which could accomodate a dildo. When plugged in the rod (and attatched instument) would move in a forward and backward motion. It also came with a fairly large tube of the afore mentioned "love lotion." Indeed.


Wheels then asked if Kay could retrieve the love lotion whilst he awaited his Viagra to take effect. Indeed.

He then, in the very front of your Humble, began lifting up the waist band of his sweat pants (to inspect the effects of the drug one would assume) as well as attempting to pull off his shirt.

Now ordinarily Dane Barbados Jr. would fly into a sky rending fit of fisticuffs and elbows but even one such as he has his limits and Wheels lay beyond.

Instead with steady voice and icy look your Humble suggested that he take his escapades to the warehouse with his awaiting whore. And, as could be expected, he listened and closed the door behind him.

He and the whore had been back there for around twenty minutes when your Humble realized that the very wide, very open bay door to the warehouse was wide open where all the world could view the unholy union of a whore and undernourished cripple.

I then arose to walk around to close the bay. On my way what did I hear?

"Hey! Hi Mr. Barbados Jr.!"

I turned around and saw, to my very rare and unusual shock, to see a child that was under my care when Dane Barbados Jr. spent a brief stint in one of your middle schools. Truly.


And it became even more insane.

Dane Barbados Jr. Presents: A Day In the Life (part I)

So there are two things that the people like to ask yours truly, Dane Barbados Jr.

The first of those things is: Do you work for a living?

The second is: What makes you different from anyone else.

This story my sycophants will answer both of those questions. I present to you a two and a half section of Dane Barbados Jr's day today. A section that ended a scant hour ago. Enjoy.


Dane Barbados Jr. does not truly work for a living. He does not truly have to for he is wealthy and is the son of royalty.

He does, however, know boredom. It was out of boredom that Dane Barbados Jr. decided to spend some time helping a compatriot start up his budding automobile dealership.

The street on which this dealership is owned by a man whom we shall refer to as J.K.

J.K. has a son whom is also named J.K. however he is known around the dealership as "Wheels."

Most people whom are called Wheels is because the possess some great or interesting mode of transportation. Our Wheels is no difference. The difference being that our Wheels is paralyzed and his primary mode of transportation is his motorized wheelchair. Indeed.

For the true weight of these...bizarre...series of events you, in your infinite sluggishness of mind, need some background.

Wheels is one of those gentlemen whom always has some sort of get rich quick scheme which always leave them with money lost and none gained.

His favorite expression is bellowing, in his high-pitched voice, "skeet-skeet-skeet!" Yes...he is white.

Wheels weighs naught but a scant 95 pounds, wears glasses and can be grating. But we take care of young wheels.

Imagine the surprise of Dane Barbados Jr. when Wheels rode at the maximum capacity of his conveyance into the office, stopping in front of my desk and loudly declaring:

"Yo! Yooooooo! Dane I need to skeet fifty bucks off you man!"

To which I, Dane Barbados Jr., immediately scoffed.

"C'mon man there's a girl out here I'm trying to skeet on! She charges 350 but I've only got 300 on me c'mon man let me skeet that 50!"

Being in the gracious mood that Wheels seems to fester amongst even the most hardened hearts I opened my billfold and slid one of your fifty dollar bills into Wheels' nigh-immobile hand. As soon as he had it grasped he immediately rocketed out of the office with a "Thanks skeeter!"

I and my droogs (as they were) went to the large window in front of the office to see what there was to be seen.

What we saw was Wheels cavorting with a young girl of 18 or 19, very thin though not unattractive when her pimp (as you call them) rolled up and got out.

Here we were watching Wheels count out three hundred dollars...to an obvious pimp...in broad daylight...in front of many places of business...on a street that his father owned.

Hard to believe Dane Barbados Jr. realizes.

It's really nothing compared to what comes next.

Dane Barbados Jr. Regurgitates: Britney Spears

The gorge rises.

Dane Barbados Jr. declares some things...





...just not right

Dane Barbados Jr. on: Youtube

Dane Barbados Jr. declares Youtube the second best site on this interweb.

Second only to this one of course.

Yes.

That really is all.

May add more once Dane Barbados Jr. tears himself from youtube.com.