Dane Barbados Jr. Showcases: Sharon Stone's sagely advice.

"Actress SHARON STONE is adamant teenagers should be prepared to engage in oral sex, if it saves from them the dangers of unprotected penetrative sex.

The BASIC INSTINCT spends much of her time away from Hollywood working as an activist raising AIDS awareness, and she always carries condoms with her to hand out in a bid to increase safe sex levels.

She explains, "I was in the store the other day and I watched a young girl trying on clothes, showing her abdomen. "Her mother was trying to talk to her about not being inappropriately luring. I said, 'Gee that would look much nicer with a camisole under.' "Her mother walked away, and I said to the girl, 'I'd like to give you a two-minute conversation about sex.'

"Young people talk to me about what to do if they're being pressed for sex? I tell them (what I believe): oral sex is a hundred times safer than vaginal or anal sex. "If you're in a situation where you cannot get out of sex, offer a blow job. I'm not embarrassed to tell them."


http://www3.contactmusic.com/news/index34.htm"




Dane Barbados Jr. knows not if he is appaled at this slutty advice...

...or intrigued by this slutty advice...

...or supports this slutty advice...

But he does know that Sharon Stone is slutty.

But is it in a good way?

The World may never know.

Dane Barbados Jr. on: Britney Spears' Pro-Life Statue

There are certain times in the life of Dane Barbados Jr. where the word "disgust" is simply not strong enough. Now is assuredly one of those times. Witness and let your occular cavities be seared shut:





Yes Loyal Sycophats of Barbados, your bleary, smoke-hazed eyes, do not decieve you. That is indeed the chisled visage of Britney Spears...pregnant...naked...on a bearskin rug.

Why Britney Spears you may ask? Because she was decided to be the "ideal" of motherhood.

Firstly let Dane Barbados Jr. remark, I have seen Britney Spears when she was at her most pregant...she did not look like this, she does not look like this NOW. She was fat, pasty, and barefoot-in-a-gastation-bathroom disgusting.

Yes, even more disgusting then she normally is.

Neither, one would imagine, would her heartily fake breasts hang so perfectly or convincingly.

She surely was not the chiseled, well-muscled, figure in that scupture. With that sort of pimple-faced, sweaty-necked, hairy-palmed, idyllic revisionism a drag queen from the bowels of Las Vegas could appear to be the "ideal" of motherhood.

And one must posit the observation: NO ONE looks that calm, composed, or attractive during the filthy, dirty, exhausting duty of childbirth. If Britney Spearks looks like a back alley cumdumpster on a daily basis are we to really believe that she looks that good while straining to push something the size of a watermelon out of here stretched and battered snatch?

I think not.

Her face, in that sulpture, should look as horrified and pain-filled as my face upon seeing it.

Now Dane Barbados Jr. knows that Britney's male fans are the lowest of the low of basement dwelling, sun avoiding, jobless, carless, computer game playing troglodytes but even considering that...why is this scene staged like a 70's pornography shoot?

Why are her muscled hauches (trimmed down from the cellulite gasbags that she toted in reality) raised in supplication and doggest style, seemingly awaiting the pitted and diseased manhammer of Keven Federline?

Why is she posed on that staple of vintage American pornagraphy, the bearskin rug?

What dingy and unloved fan thought this was a good idea?

Eroticizing the act of childbirth is easily one of the most disturbing and disgusting things that Dane Barbados Jr. has seen recently (other than the other pictures of Britney Spears that is).

Whomever decided to pose this washwoman harlot this way deserves the Barbados Trinity (kidney punch, boxed ears and donkey punch) not once, not twice, but thrice, for sullying the eyes, mind and imagination of Barbados Jr. and his loyal sycophants thusly.

The Goddess Athena, revered for her beauty and intelligence, did not recieve a statue of this kind...why does this trollop the Goddess of trailers, used cigarette butts, cheap whiskey and dropping out deserve such?

Dane Barbados Jr. pledges to release a bodily function upon this statue everytime he sees it and urges his legion of loyal followers to do likewise.

Such is deserving for this affront to the senses and near-release of the breakfast of Barbados.

Dane Barbados Jr. does NOT approve.

Dane Barbados Jr. on: Angelina Jolie

From this:

To this:



Oh the mighty, how they fall.

Dane Barbados Jr. delcares: Fucking gross.

Dane Barbados Jr. Updates: The Remake List

Coming to a deserted multiplex near you:

-A film remake of your 70's television show "Welcome Back Kotter." Kotter whilst being tall, lanky, white and afro'd in the original will in this iteration be played by Ice Cube.


...because the all Black remake of the Honeymooners was such a success.

Michael Clark Duncan playing the white character The Kingpin in "Daredevil?" Capitol idea (though the movie sucked like a Panamanian whore).

Ice Cube playing Kotter? Not so much (although he's not at all a terrible actor).

African Americans are smart enough to not fall for such obvious, derivitave and shameful pandering.

-Next up is the Hollywood remake of television "soap-opera" called "Dallas." Staring such lovable has-beens as Jennifer Lopez, Owen Wilson, John Travolta and Shirley MacLaine.

Let's all examine these "thespian's" last movies.

Travolta: The Punisher. Flop.

Jennifer Lopez: Gili. Legendary Flop of "Ishtar" proportions.

Owen Wilson: The Dukes of Hazzard. Flop AND remake...some people never learn.

Shirley MacLaine: who knows we might not have even been born yet.



When will Hollywood learn that it will take more than a half-assed "Urban" approach and/or dusting off a DECADES old property to get the paltry monies of the people?

Hint: They never will because they are as stupid and horribly inbred as you are.

Dane Barbados Jr. on: Chloe Sevigny

So Dane Barbados Jr. was trolling the 'net today when he came upon an interesting little report. It seems that Ms. Chloe Sevigny threw a mighty Fit of the Bitch your horrid, estrogen-enriched, harridan-hovering, penis-shriveling, homosexual-cultivating, man-hating, television show "The View."

What sparked this gruesome, yet hilarious, outburst you may ask? Well allow Dane Barbados Jr. to enlighten you: Some years ago there was a disturbingly tepid, tiresome and boring little film made by a disturbingly tepid, tiresome and boring little man named Vincent Gallow.

This film was called "The Brown Bunny." The climactic scene of this delightfully wasteful and bowel-churning film was when Ms. Sevigny administered oral sex to Mr.Gallow.

Just in case you need clarification she gave him a blowjob. On camera.

Dane Barbados Jr. really wants you to understand this: a real-deal, true to life, in living colour, slobbery-slob blowjob. Not simulated. No artful cuts. No computer generated imagery.

Her mouth. His penis. Sucking. On film. Like a pornography movie. He even visibly orgasms.

In her mouth. On film. For real. Like a pornography movie.

This hilarious incedent leads Dane Barbados Jr. to ask: "What the fuck is wrong with this insane, slorry, trollop?" This is exactly the type of female that Dane Barbados Jr. would like nothing more than to extinguish lit Cuban cigar butts directly on her stretched anus before delivering a swift kick to her loose and windy cotterbox.

And you may think that the reason why Ms. Sevigny has raised such ire with Dane Barbados Jr. is because she is a woman. That is because you are a raging idiot.

You may think it is because she decided to throw a royal fit over willfully submitting herself to becoming a dimestore porn actress as opposed to an actress. You are only partly correct.

The real reason is that this movie came out at least a year and a half ago. She's submitted to several interviews about the movie and the scene (as it was the only notable thing in the movie). She knows that the ENTIRE marketing drive of the film centered around the scene.

Posters.

Soundtrack covers.

Gigantic billboards depicting a black-barred version of the scene, overlooking traffic.

There are, perhaps, those of you who are too stupid, or too new to my story to now that though Dane Barbados Jr. may berate you, though he will laugh at you, he will never lie to you.

Behold:

Poster.

Soundtrack cover.

Billboard.

Now you see.

And, frankly, I'm saddened the slightest bit. I first saw Ms.Sevigny in "Kids" and thought she had talent. Then I saw her in "American Psycho" and thought she could be a star. Then I saw her in "The Brown Bunny" and realized that she had effectively ended any chances of serious success. Wasted on a movie that didn't do well and wouldn't possibly gain acceptance.

Dane Barbados Jr. must ask Ms. Sevigny: You sucked the dirty dick of a dirty man in a dirty movie. You sat back and saw the signs, the billboards, the posters, the covers. You interviewed. You talked about it. You made the decision to catch a mouthful of stinking, sticky, thick, probably diseased spum from a man who was seemingly interested in degrading a woman on widescreens across the country...and now you want to complain?

Dane Barbados Jr. has little other to say than "Fuck you you silly little strumpet, you bring all women down and perpetuate the stereotype of emotionally unstable, dick-sucking whores."

But that's simply too wordy so Dane Barbados Jr. would do with simply:

"Dane Barbados Jr. declares: Fuck You."


...oh and because there's a few of you that'd want to see it here's a screencapture. You can find the video readily on your Peer-to-Peer networks under "Brown Bunny" or "Chloe Sevigny"

http://www.beerandshots.com/celebrities/chloe-sevigny/chloe-sevigny-blowjob.php

http://www.fleshbot.com/sex/brownbunny.jpg

http://img94.exs.cx/img94/4074/1369ee.jpg

Dane Barbados Jr. mini-Reviews: The Hills Have Eyes

Yes, we know that Dane Barbados Jr. hates the current Hollywood trend of remake, remake, remake. It murdered the market last year but they don't learn. Into March there have been FIVE remakes already. That being said summon your thimbleful of gray matter as Dane Barbados Jr. presents you an equation:

Brutal violence +

Explicit gore +

.500 Magnum +

Exploding heads +

Cannibals +

Mutants +

Nuclear village +

MULTIPLE pickaxes to the head +

a burning at the stake +

Brutal dog maulings =



Every rule has it's exception (although the absence of Michael Berryman is a minus).

Go forth sycophants and view. Those two of you with the marked displeasure of having a steady girlfriend, take her with you.

Barbados prevails.

Dane Barbados Jr. Presents: Art

There is a person with whom I have become aquainted with over your internet. I have seen his art on your image hosts. "Photobucket" Dane Barbados Jr. believes it is. Anyhow, I have, in my infinte wisdom, decided to showcase some of this art because I choose to.

Did Dane Barbados Jr. seek permission? If you have to ask yourself that question you have my permission to bash yourself repeatedly about the head and necular area with a ball-peen hammer.

Thank me later.

Click to make larger cretins.