Dane Barbados Jr. Hates: Southern Maryland I

Yes my little sycophants, followers, merry men and comely lasses. Dane Barbados Jr. has returned from his period of grieving and grants rare thanks for those of you who sent well wishes and such through this blog and/or your Instant Messanger.

To cleanse himself of the last vestiges of grief and unpleasantnes Dane Barbados Jr. took it upon himself to go along with an associate to the old stomping grounds of St. Mary's County Maryland.

My sweet God one could most easily forget how much of Satan's Armpit that place really is when one isn't enrolled at the college.

My first evening was akin to a night at the twilight zone. A few of us, after copious belts of clearest vodka and sweetest Nature's Embrace, took it upon ourselves to construct a glorious bonfire. The heat was fantastic...alas the "party" was a bust.

Suddenly one there proclaimed loudly and drunkenly that "in twenty minutes 2000 leagues of cars shall appear!"

Your humble narrator Dane Barbados Jr. was preparing to deliver a vertabre shattering blow about the midsection when he instead decided to once again partake of nature's embrace.

Twenty minutes later when back outside...there were 200 people. Insanity.

Doesn't sound bad one would say. That is until one realizes that the large bulk of the party goers are amongst the most reprehensible of people: spoiled, over-priviledged, rich, vacuous. The type of girl who values the blondeness of her hairdye above all and the type of male who cherishes he white baseball cap and severely overpriced Abercrombie cargo shorts like one would cherish their first born.

And they were "rolling." That is doing the E...ecstasy.

A brief aside. There is NO drug that Dane Barbados Jr. hates more than ecstasy. Not only is it vastly overpriced it just sickens me in general.

Dane Barbados Jr. has no particular dislike of homosexuals, the lifestyle is accepted in my homeland...but that drug makes every straight man act as if he were gay. In my college days I witnessed two straight men shower together because it felt so good. Disgust.

Furthermore Dane Barbados Jr. hates to be touched without permission. Fingers have been broken and dreams have been crushed for that offense. I've witnessed a simple back massage turn, without a moment's notice, into a righteous stink-fingering. Disgust.

Back to the point. A dungtick on the face of life walks up to Dane Barbados Jr. and says: "Dude...I'm fuckin' roooollin' man...fuckin' roooollin'. I just want to tell EVERYBODY here man!!"

Well he found it hard to tell everyone there when I thrust my gilded fist triumphantly into his jaw. I truly relished the finely tuned feeling of bones breaking and teeth shattering like so many broken eggs. Beautiful.

To be continued...

Dane Barbados Jr. takes a break with Anne Hathaway on Bareback Mountain.

Dane Barbados Jr. is coping with the recent death of his beloved grandmatron. She will be sorely missed.

But to keep you all entertained in the meantime. Here's a link to more of Ms. Anne Hathaway's naked, jiggling breasts from Bareback Mountain.

http://66.232.100.26/~dontlink/movies/annehbbmtn.gif

http://img15.imgspot.com/?u=/u/06/20/16/annehbbmtn1137879244.gif

Dane Barbados Jr. Presents: Songs from the Homeland

This is something my father, The Monarch, Dane Barbados Sr. sent me in the electronic mail today. Apparently my exploits have become legend in the homeland. It would bring a tear to my eye if they were capable of producing tears. But as we all know, men with a real penis and two testicles were built naught for tears.

Enjoy sycophants.



Come children as we sing our native songs...

Listen children to the Balad of Dane Barbados...

Barbados sleeps with maidens fair,
thrusting whilst he pulls their hair,
they call him God...he does not care,
For he is Dane Barbados.

Barbados beds a comely lass,
with breasts like pillows and donkey's ass,
He blows his load and exits fast,
For he is Dane Barbados.

Barbados rules his city's streets,
whilst lesser men just beat their meats,
he loves their envy, hatred, sweet,
For he is Dane Barbados....

Dane Barbados Jr. gets a compliment.

Whilst conversing on your AIM an aquaintance of mine had this to say about yours truly:

a*****towngrocer: Dane Barbados Jr. is a horrible horrible man

That truly brings a smile to the honeyed lips of Dane Barbados Jr. He approves.

Dane Barbados Jr. proudly Present: The first No Shit Award of 2006

For recently coming forth in the press and admitting a bout with Bulimia and "just a little" drug abuse.

The first Dane Barbados Jr. No Shit Award of 2006 goes to...


...dramatic pause says I...


...LINDSAY LOHAN!






















Immediately after accepting her award Ms. Lohan nee Cumbucket was admitted tothe hospital for "exhaustion" and trouble breathing.

Perhaps if she would stop trying to breath through rolled up bills and straws then she could recover.

I, Dane Barbados Jr., already have her award ready for when she finally admits that her rediculous breasts are fake.

Dane Barbados Jr. Presents: Quotes from the King, Mr. T

On being a versatile performer: "I'm talented and flexible. I could play Hamlet, even though I look like King Kong."

On the duality of existence: "I'm tough and tender at the same time."

On turning the other cheek: "If I fought every time somebody called me a name, I would never get out of jail. But I'm disciplined. I'm smarter than that."

On adult literacy: "If I couldn't read, I wouldn't have gotten the part in Rocky III. If you can't read, the only thing you can do is enjoy the pictures, not the whole story."

On the thin line between fantasy and reality: "That's the message I tell the kids; white kids, black kids, whatever. They need to know that Mr. T is real, and that's the advantage we have. Batman, Rifleman, Superman, Iron Man, Tin Man, they might be nice guys, but they're not real. They can't go into schools. They can't go into the neighborhoods."

On seeking the presidency: "See, if I run for president, they'd be controlling me. Right now, I'm free. I can say it like it is. If I run for president, people will say, 'No, Mr. T, don't write about drugs, you're the president.' Politics, they make strange bedfellows, with deals and whatnot. I couldn't be a president. It ain't worth the headache or the pressure. The money's too low, and all that stuff."

On Michael Jackson: "I go out and see a kid grabbing his crotch. Ain't nobody telling them that. Where do they get it from? They watch MTV. I say, 'If you wash up more often, you won't have to grab your crotch.'"

On fashion: "I maybe wear two, three pairs of shoes the whole year. I don't need a whole lot of shoes to change into to try to impress somebody. Basically, I wear sandals, like Jesus."

Still on Michael Jackson: "I'm telling these guys, 'Why you gotta grab your crotch?' Then you see Michael Jackson grabbing his crotch fifty times. What's with him?"

On special interests: "If I tell a kid not to smoke, the tobacco industry is mad. Tell 'em you don't drink beer, the beer company gets pissed. I tell a kid don't do drugs, the drug dealers are mad. Stepping on toes. Can't no ordinary guy do this, because they're afraid, they don't have a backbone, they don't have the balls, they don't have the guts."

On his questionable career choices: "I don't turn down nothing but my collar."

On Divine Right: "I believe in the Golden Rule - The man with the gold... rules."

On humility: "Next to God, there is no better protector than I."

On the Method: "It takes a smart guy to play dumb."

On the hardships of his forefathers: "My gold jewelry is genuine and worth around $300,000. It takes me about an hour to put it on, and most nights I clean it in an ultrasonic cleaner, although some nights I sleep in it to see how my ancestors, who were slaves, felt."

On having realistic aspirations: "People talk about being like Mike. No, I want to be like Jesus.

Dane Barbados Jr. gets a surprise laugh from Garfield

Now historically there have been few things less entertaining to Dane Barbados Jr. than the exploits of Garfield. You're fat. You're lazy. We understand this. There's little to seperate you from an increasing majority of Americans. Fuck you cat.

Now that being said there's something royally amusing at watching eternal loser Jon down a lukewarm mug of dog semen.

Funny indeed.

What Dane Barbados Jr. did in his first American New Year

So I have experience my first New Year celebrations in your country and Dane Barbados Jr. must declare himself pleased.

To start his rousing evening the first thing that Dane Barbados Jr. did was enlist the company of comrade and nemesis Bully Jack. Decked in our fine apparel we journeyed to the abode of an accquaintance of the female persuasion.

Immediately upon entering the doors at 5.5p we proceeded to down several shots of sweetest Belvedere.

Later Dane Barbados Jr. was introduced to one of your cardgames known as "Spades"...and a game of kings that was indeed!

After administering a bit of cardbased leg-breaking, drowning in sweetest Belvedere and getting all up in nature's embrace 'twas time to depart unto our next destination...the stripclub.

Well imagine our combined horror and disgust when we realized that our favorite purveyor of lapdances and nubile young breasts had lost it's liquor licence. It took a few chemical clouded moments for the brilliant mind of Dane Barbados Jr. to realize that we were seeing a blessing in disguise.

After a jaunt to yon 'ol liquor store we began anew armed with champagne, Bevedere, Grand Marnier and other wondrous sundries.

Have you ever actually imagined what four thousand of your dollars will buy you at a stripclub?

Well the short answer is whatever you want from whomever you want. And it was truly beautiful.

After a quick drop-in to cleanse oursevles of stripper-sex and moon-flower medicine and to reingratiate ourselves with nature and her glorious green offerings we decided to visit Satan's own armpit...your city of Baltimore MD.

That when things got interesting.

Dane Barbados Jr. will get this out of the way upfront. I have travelled the world, from Australia to Africa, to Eastern Europe. And Baltimore has to be Dane Barbados Jr.'s least favorite city ever.

I regretted the decision of Jack as soon as we got off of 295, your B-W Parkway. The filth, the quality of the people, the overall sense of desperation, decay and depression. Squallid and horrid.

Not the cowardly types Jack and your humble narrator parked our carriage nearly on top of a few of the troglodytic locals and ventured forth towards the "inner harbor."

Now it must be noted that this "harbor" is not so much idyllic blue waters filled with many a picturesque galleon. No indeed. More like a green/brownish stew of ichor-thickened sludge issuing forth a varitable flotilla of used syringes, soiled condoms and broken dreams.

We were immediately assulted by the sounds, sights and personages of these drunken belligerent denizens of the night. With a mighty and herculean effort your Dane Barbados Jr. held his calm...

...until one of these unfortunates spilled a beer upon my finely chosen coat of blackest leather imported from my homeland.

It was then when Bully Jack slid into his pocket non-chalantly and slipped on a set of meticulously crafted brass-knuckles with ease and care of an old gent slipping his duff into his favored whore.

It took naught a minute for the fists to fly, the violence to erupt and the red, red, cruvvy to flow.

The most crimson of claret was upon my fists and forearms as Jack and I administered blow upon blow about the neck and noses of any whom were unfortunate enough to fall into our stead.

We cut a mighty swathe from the inner harbor to the depths of Fell's Point, splitting the faces of every man and capturing the heart of every woman.

When our rage was finally quenched, our unabated fury extinguished, we took pride upon ravishing the women of the fallen. We issued our newly accquired harem into a hastily booked hotel room and ended the year the way it was began...by acting out any and all of our lusty fantasies upon the uninitiated and making Dane Barbados Jr. the only name which those ladies would ever gasp in ecstasy.

...but with condoms of course...because Baltimore is filthy and it's denizens disease ridden.

Happy New Year's to you all sycophants.