Dane Barbados Jr. on: Employment (part I)

For some reason people seem to think that since Dane Barbados Jr. lives in the lap of luxury and utter opulence that he has never worked an honest day's work.

These guttersnipe nincompoops clearly envy the exploits of your Humble Narrator. It is not the fault of Dane Barbados Jr. that they cannot rest their feet upon a gilded, platinum, tray held by a trained Panamanian dwarf named Phillipe. Nor is it the fault of Dane Barbados Jr. that they are not fed sweet morsels cooked by a buxom redhead, placed into his mouth by a glittering fork held by a zaftig raven-haired goddess and wipes his mouth on the large and ample busom of a statuesque Blond. Truly they can blame only God.

...or their own stupidity.


No Dane Barbados Jr. knows of work. When he was but the young age of 12 the monarch, Dane Barbados Sr., grabbed him by the scruff of his neck, tore him from betwixt the thighs of a 22 year old female admirer, slapped the cigarette from his mouth and kicked him from the castle gates.

A short while later your Humble recieved a letter sealed with the crimson seal of the House Barbados (a griffon breathing flame and brandishing a sword). This letter, from the monarch himself, proclaimed that it was high time that Barbados the Junior should learn the value of hard work. The monarch suggested a stint in a coal mine.

The words of Dane Barbados Sr. were not to be denied.


To be continued.

Dane Barbados Jr. on: "The dumbest damn smart kid I know"

Dane Barbados Jr. recently attened one of your "Bar-B-Que's" thrown by a european compatriot of mine.

Whilst there Your Humble was introduced to a young gentleman whom we'll call Egbert. This young man was apparently the marketing head of the dealership that Dane Barbados Jr. had visited and had decided to invest a sum of money into.

This young man boasted and impressive education and was a child of wealth.

He also showed a disturbingly homosexual devotion to one of your "rappers" by the name of Jay-Z, randomly and without provocation loudly reciting verses from said musician.

Egbert was also quite possibly functionally retarded.

Allow Dane Barbados Jr. to share a story:

The european host whom we tend to call "Yogo" offered Egbert a fine bottled Guiness which Egbert accepted with a quizzical look.

We returned a few minutes later after capturing a gaggle of young ladies with our foreign charm to find Egbert still holding the unopened beverage.

"What's wrong Egbert?" Yugo enquired. To which Egbert replied, "I keep trying but I can't get the cap off of this beer."

At this point it was quite clear to your humble narrator that Yugo was quite forcibly supressing a laugh at young Egbert's expense. I was also quite likely to Yugo that Dane Barbados Jr. was quite forcibly surpressing a devestating flurry of blows about Egbert's face and belly.

With a visible effort Yugo regained his composure and handed Egbert one of those lovely utilitarian devices which serve as a bottle opener and corkscrew. We then left to return to our erst-while harem of buxom and zaftig beauties.

After a back room bit of cocksmanship I left two exhausted Ethiopian beauties spent and used in my wake and returned to the party.

I met up with Yugo and we shared a celebritory embrace of sweet green Nature and spotted young Egbert...still clutching the Guiness...

...focusing all his attention on slowly attempting to wind the corkscrew into the top of the beer cap.

Many of you are frankly not that bright, and those of you who are possessed of a modicum of intelligence may be scratching your heads in consternation and disbelief. Allow Dane Barbados Jr. to restate:

Instead of performing a process that any enterprising 10-year-old could perform, this 23 year old, college educated man, who consumes alcohol on a regular basis, could somehow not discern the basic function of a simple tool, a bottle opener, with no moving parts and was instead trying to uncap a beer with a corkscrew.

You read correctly.

It leads one to wonder how Egbert managed to escape the womb without strangling himself, in some complicated manner, with his own umbilical cord. Dane Barbados Jr. is truly amazed.

You may be thinking to yourself that this is an isolated instance of enfuriating idiocy.

That is, sadly, not the case.

Dane Barbados Jr. on: X-3

So Dane Barbados Jr. your Humble Narrator has just returned from the cinema. He went there to view your X3: The Last Stand.

Dane Barbados Jr. is familiar with the characters of the films and still found the first two movies to be perfectly well made, very well directed, complete and utter bores.

As such he recieved exactly what he was expecting from the newest director Brett Ratner, to whit: decent action, horrible everything else.

Dane Barbados Jr. was displeased to find that the young and strangely attractive Anna Paquin (Rogue) had been phased out for the freakishly bubble-headed and alienesque actress portraying Kitty Pryde.

He was also dissappointed to see the executives of Fox kowtow to Halle Berry's histrionics and threats granting her a much larger role and leadership of the titular team (although to their credits they fashioned her a MUCH better wig).

Killing off Cyclops, the historical leader of the team, off screen in the first 20 minutes? Terrible and wasteful.

Also of note was the distasteful and sloppy dropping and picking up of plot threads seemingly at random. There's Angel...and he's gone 'til the end of the movie. Wait what's Rogue doing? We find out at the end of the movie.

And out of a comic superhero team who's had some 40 members since it's inception what troglodytic retrobate decided to have only 6 X-Men in the climactic battle?

Also the effects for the Juggernaut were abysmal. The second worse "freakishly large man" effects Dane Barbados Jr. has seen on film, preceeded only by Mr. Hyde of the brain-crunchingly bad and improbable League of Extraordinary Gentlemen...or LGX a disgustingly Americanized shortening if ever there was such.

Dane Barbados Jr. will however applaud the fortitude of the film makers for braving the increasingly Evangelical Christian American populace by making the character called "Angel" such a blatant and obvious homosexual.

But Dane Barbados Jr. must ask...like so many others...is Arclight (played by possible she/he "Omahyra" really a man?



Even after seeing this creature's bare (and supposed) breasts Dane Barbados Jr. is not sure. His dreams will surely be haunted.

In closing on X3 Dane Barbados Jr. neither approves or disapproves. On Arclight/Omahyra he steadfastly disapproves.


....so does his libido.


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