Dane Barbados Jr. is disgusted by: Celebrity Snatch. Featuring: Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Lindsey Lohan with a cameo by Tara Reid
The people in their profound dumbassery and astounding lack of intelligence choose not to listen to Dane Barbados Jr. Perhaps it is merely a knee-jerk reaction to the musings of one whom is so clearly above them in every conceivable way.
Dane Barbados Jr. has told you on multiple occasions that many of the starlets that you young women vomit up your meals to look like and you young men clutch violently at your microscopic penises in the warm comforts of your Mum's basement are nothing more than base, scullery, red bellied, cumbuckets. And now, my young simpletons, the photographic evidence has revealed such.
Allow us to start with the undoubted Grand Dame of Illiterate Hollywood Cocaine Sniffing Sloredom herself: Paris Hilton.
Now Ms. Hilton, despite looking like a human lollipop, is a freebie. Even those amongst you with a higher than average level of abnormal chromosomes knows, knew, and has known that yes, Paris Hilton is indeed a Super Class-A Whore.
And is incredibly vapid...but that's another story.
She (a term I hesitate to use as I do not truly consider her a woman) set the stage for this newest round of Young Starlet Crotchmeat Theatre.
After seeing her birdlike visage plastered all over your internet in her "infamous" sex tape were any of us truly surprised to see this trollop's used up stench blossom which resembled naught but slightly old pastrami which has started to get that unappetizing, rainbow colored sheen?
Why would any sensible man, outside of animal-like curiosity, really want to see the dried up snatch of a 6-foot tall, 80lb., illiterate, sized 11 show wearing whore? A dried up snatch that has doubtless been pounded and abused by countless men of low stature, low education and lower hygiene?
Though the afore mentioned sex tape we found that Ms.Hilton's sole redeeming virtue is the ability to administer a serviceable blowjob. With a crotch muffin that bears a striking similarity to the souse loaf that Dane Barbados Jr. has seen in your American south one would posit that she had but little choice as no sober man would willing thrust his member into the diseased bear-trap that is her trim.
...Although in the cocaine addled haze that permeates her world such men are most likely not hard to find.
From the Queen Mother of Shameless Whores we now must turn our eyes to the next generation: Britney Spears and Lindsey Lohan.
It's actually quite the riddle, even for Dane Barbados Jr., as to analyzing whom had the fastest burnout and descent into drunken, coke addled, sloredom.
Whilst Britney Spears has been in the spotlight of attention for a longer period of time and is legendary in her slorish ways she, at least, held the semblance of virginal goodness for a period of time (minus the addition of the obvious breast implants that is). "Lilo" on the other hand performed a quite interesting, "blink and you miss it" transformation from talented up and coming starlet to utterly used up hosebag with lightning speed.
There was a time when Dane Barbados Jr. actually saw a bright future for Ms.Lohan. Out of her contemporaries in the vacant young starlet brigade she seemed to possess an actual spark of talent.
...And then she discovered alcohol and cocaine. She has, in an amazingly short amount of time, actually nearly covered the gamut of female physical attributes that are near guaranteed to send your humble, Dane Barbados Jr., into a flurry of rage and vomit:
-Horridly obvious breast implant
-Disgusting rail-thin, coke maven
-Stomach churningly gross fishlike collagen lip implants.
-Dyed blonde hair (on a natural redhead...extra, bile inducing vomitville)
-Revealing a dry, wrinkled, roast beef curtained, chapped looking penis warmer.
Dane Barbados Jr. will berate you, he will laugh at you, but he will not lie to you. He knows naught but when he's seen a recent photog of Ms.Lohan looking anything but an extra who shambled from the set of Schindler's List. How the gorge rises.
In such a short period of years Ms.Lohan, burgeoning slut that she is, has "graced" us all with a view of her sadly distended, fairly repulsive breasts, and lest we forget the amazing view of her underwear-free, mind bogglingly flat and square bare buttocks...revealed at a children's award show no less.
And now she has graced us all with not one, but several, photogs of her beaten and abused looking skirt burger. Dane Barbados Jr. is forced to wonder why her vagina looks red and chapped as if it has spent weeks exposed to the frigid winds of the arctic circle. Is it truly so exposed? Or is it truly so dry and beaten? Either way your humble can express little but outright disgust.
And should a few of you doubt the words of Dane Barbados Jr. when he bestows upon you his words of divine wisdom saying that Lindsey Lohan is an obvious whore just remember that she went to a children's award show in a short dress sans bloomers. Then proceed to bash yourselves in the kidneys for ever having doubted his words.
Those are the sort of brilliant decisions that can only arise from a mind consumed with Peruvian flake and the stagnant semen of many men.
Britney, oh Britney. Once the very image of virginal chastity. An alumnus of your Mickey Mouse Club and all. After getting her first taste of manmeat she has seemingly truly embraced her destiny of becoming a trailer dwelling housefrau.
She as well has seen the rise of her legendary whore factor rise as her, already marginal, musical talent has fallen.
How can we ever forget such amusing incidents as her barely there Las Vegas marriage? Or her absolutely random hotel hot tub fucksession with Joe Random. He must have thought himself the luckiest man alive...until the crabs started feasting on his scrotum.
And oh how her reputation was all but solidified with her blessed (by the patron saint of rednecks no doubt) union with one Mssr. Kevin Federline who may be quite possibly the most repulsive human being to have ever walked Barbados' green earth.
It does, of course, taken a certain level of class and refinement to fellate a man whom you've married even after you knew full well that he was not only a misogynist but also had the delightful quality of abandoning his pregnant girlfriends in full view of the paparazzo.
That type of class can only be created in the teeming stew of trailers, cocaine and cheap "moonshine." Lovely.
I have saved Ms.Spears for the end of this because she truly possesses the most disgusting vagina that Dane Barbados Jr. has seen since the years of being surrounded by the whores who worked beneath the earth in the coal mines of his country.
Even dismissing the leechlike C-section scar Ms.Spears decided to reveal to the world Dane Barbados Jr. is puzzled by a woman whom by all accounts is not only literally filthy but also filthy rich, who clearly has her vagina waxed by small korean women and still manages to have a disturbingly hirsute anus.
A woman with a hair covered turd-cutter is automatically deserving of scorn and disdain. A woman with a hair covered turd-cutter and a waxed spum beacon is simply a though shattering enigma.
It is surely no coincidence that Ms.Spears has been in the vicinity of Ms.Hilton.
It takes a true effort to make a camel toe disgusting. These three women have not only reached that point but greatly surpassed it.
Has the time honored art of the publicity stunt truly been reduced to whipping out the old slurm catcher in view of waiting paparazzo?
Dane Barbados Jr. would like to with raging venereal disease, crippling foamy discharge and sterility on these fine women.
If ever he were to meet any of the three he would greet them with naught but a vicious boot to the worn out box and a veritable monsoon of hateful spittle to rain upon their sunken, lifeless, faces. Feh!
Remember kids, Dane Barbados Jr. says: Any woman who wears a short skirt or dress without underwear is not just a whore...but a dirty whore.
Ah and Tara Reid? Her tits are still nightmare inducing but at least she has had the decently to thus far spare us the sanity destroying view of her no-doubt Predator-like vagina.
For that Ms.Reid...Dane Barbados Jr. thanks you.
And for all you lonely young men whom stumbled upon this whilst Googling, hoping for pictorals of these sad vaginas...Dane Barbados Jr. can only hope that in your furious masturbation that an errant glob of sour semen makes its way past your Coke bottle thick glasses into your bleary eyes and blinds you.
That way you will never see me as I come to administer the Divine Art of the Kidney Punch on you and proceed to copulate with your mothers.
That is all.
Dane Barbados Jr. has told you on multiple occasions that many of the starlets that you young women vomit up your meals to look like and you young men clutch violently at your microscopic penises in the warm comforts of your Mum's basement are nothing more than base, scullery, red bellied, cumbuckets. And now, my young simpletons, the photographic evidence has revealed such.
Allow us to start with the undoubted Grand Dame of Illiterate Hollywood Cocaine Sniffing Sloredom herself: Paris Hilton.
Now Ms. Hilton, despite looking like a human lollipop, is a freebie. Even those amongst you with a higher than average level of abnormal chromosomes knows, knew, and has known that yes, Paris Hilton is indeed a Super Class-A Whore.
And is incredibly vapid...but that's another story.
She (a term I hesitate to use as I do not truly consider her a woman) set the stage for this newest round of Young Starlet Crotchmeat Theatre.
After seeing her birdlike visage plastered all over your internet in her "infamous" sex tape were any of us truly surprised to see this trollop's used up stench blossom which resembled naught but slightly old pastrami which has started to get that unappetizing, rainbow colored sheen?
Why would any sensible man, outside of animal-like curiosity, really want to see the dried up snatch of a 6-foot tall, 80lb., illiterate, sized 11 show wearing whore? A dried up snatch that has doubtless been pounded and abused by countless men of low stature, low education and lower hygiene?
Though the afore mentioned sex tape we found that Ms.Hilton's sole redeeming virtue is the ability to administer a serviceable blowjob. With a crotch muffin that bears a striking similarity to the souse loaf that Dane Barbados Jr. has seen in your American south one would posit that she had but little choice as no sober man would willing thrust his member into the diseased bear-trap that is her trim.
...Although in the cocaine addled haze that permeates her world such men are most likely not hard to find.
From the Queen Mother of Shameless Whores we now must turn our eyes to the next generation: Britney Spears and Lindsey Lohan.
It's actually quite the riddle, even for Dane Barbados Jr., as to analyzing whom had the fastest burnout and descent into drunken, coke addled, sloredom.
Whilst Britney Spears has been in the spotlight of attention for a longer period of time and is legendary in her slorish ways she, at least, held the semblance of virginal goodness for a period of time (minus the addition of the obvious breast implants that is). "Lilo" on the other hand performed a quite interesting, "blink and you miss it" transformation from talented up and coming starlet to utterly used up hosebag with lightning speed.
There was a time when Dane Barbados Jr. actually saw a bright future for Ms.Lohan. Out of her contemporaries in the vacant young starlet brigade she seemed to possess an actual spark of talent.
...And then she discovered alcohol and cocaine. She has, in an amazingly short amount of time, actually nearly covered the gamut of female physical attributes that are near guaranteed to send your humble, Dane Barbados Jr., into a flurry of rage and vomit:
-Horridly obvious breast implant
-Disgusting rail-thin, coke maven
-Stomach churningly gross fishlike collagen lip implants.
-Dyed blonde hair (on a natural redhead...extra, bile inducing vomitville)
-Revealing a dry, wrinkled, roast beef curtained, chapped looking penis warmer.
Dane Barbados Jr. will berate you, he will laugh at you, but he will not lie to you. He knows naught but when he's seen a recent photog of Ms.Lohan looking anything but an extra who shambled from the set of Schindler's List. How the gorge rises.
In such a short period of years Ms.Lohan, burgeoning slut that she is, has "graced" us all with a view of her sadly distended, fairly repulsive breasts, and lest we forget the amazing view of her underwear-free, mind bogglingly flat and square bare buttocks...revealed at a children's award show no less.
And now she has graced us all with not one, but several, photogs of her beaten and abused looking skirt burger. Dane Barbados Jr. is forced to wonder why her vagina looks red and chapped as if it has spent weeks exposed to the frigid winds of the arctic circle. Is it truly so exposed? Or is it truly so dry and beaten? Either way your humble can express little but outright disgust.
And should a few of you doubt the words of Dane Barbados Jr. when he bestows upon you his words of divine wisdom saying that Lindsey Lohan is an obvious whore just remember that she went to a children's award show in a short dress sans bloomers. Then proceed to bash yourselves in the kidneys for ever having doubted his words.
Those are the sort of brilliant decisions that can only arise from a mind consumed with Peruvian flake and the stagnant semen of many men.
Britney, oh Britney. Once the very image of virginal chastity. An alumnus of your Mickey Mouse Club and all. After getting her first taste of manmeat she has seemingly truly embraced her destiny of becoming a trailer dwelling housefrau.
She as well has seen the rise of her legendary whore factor rise as her, already marginal, musical talent has fallen.
How can we ever forget such amusing incidents as her barely there Las Vegas marriage? Or her absolutely random hotel hot tub fucksession with Joe Random. He must have thought himself the luckiest man alive...until the crabs started feasting on his scrotum.
And oh how her reputation was all but solidified with her blessed (by the patron saint of rednecks no doubt) union with one Mssr. Kevin Federline who may be quite possibly the most repulsive human being to have ever walked Barbados' green earth.
It does, of course, taken a certain level of class and refinement to fellate a man whom you've married even after you knew full well that he was not only a misogynist but also had the delightful quality of abandoning his pregnant girlfriends in full view of the paparazzo.
That type of class can only be created in the teeming stew of trailers, cocaine and cheap "moonshine." Lovely.
I have saved Ms.Spears for the end of this because she truly possesses the most disgusting vagina that Dane Barbados Jr. has seen since the years of being surrounded by the whores who worked beneath the earth in the coal mines of his country.
Even dismissing the leechlike C-section scar Ms.Spears decided to reveal to the world Dane Barbados Jr. is puzzled by a woman whom by all accounts is not only literally filthy but also filthy rich, who clearly has her vagina waxed by small korean women and still manages to have a disturbingly hirsute anus.
A woman with a hair covered turd-cutter is automatically deserving of scorn and disdain. A woman with a hair covered turd-cutter and a waxed spum beacon is simply a though shattering enigma.
It is surely no coincidence that Ms.Spears has been in the vicinity of Ms.Hilton.
It takes a true effort to make a camel toe disgusting. These three women have not only reached that point but greatly surpassed it.
Has the time honored art of the publicity stunt truly been reduced to whipping out the old slurm catcher in view of waiting paparazzo?
Dane Barbados Jr. would like to with raging venereal disease, crippling foamy discharge and sterility on these fine women.
If ever he were to meet any of the three he would greet them with naught but a vicious boot to the worn out box and a veritable monsoon of hateful spittle to rain upon their sunken, lifeless, faces. Feh!
Remember kids, Dane Barbados Jr. says: Any woman who wears a short skirt or dress without underwear is not just a whore...but a dirty whore.
Ah and Tara Reid? Her tits are still nightmare inducing but at least she has had the decently to thus far spare us the sanity destroying view of her no-doubt Predator-like vagina.
For that Ms.Reid...Dane Barbados Jr. thanks you.
And for all you lonely young men whom stumbled upon this whilst Googling, hoping for pictorals of these sad vaginas...Dane Barbados Jr. can only hope that in your furious masturbation that an errant glob of sour semen makes its way past your Coke bottle thick glasses into your bleary eyes and blinds you.
That way you will never see me as I come to administer the Divine Art of the Kidney Punch on you and proceed to copulate with your mothers.
That is all.
posted by Dane Barbados Jr. at 12:32 AM
1 comments
