Dane Barbados Jr. will return in: One Man Reviews

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Dane Barbados Jr. lives.

Dane Barbados Jr. is disgusted by: Celebrity Snatch. Featuring: Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Lindsey Lohan with a cameo by Tara Reid

The people in their profound dumbassery and astounding lack of intelligence choose not to listen to Dane Barbados Jr. Perhaps it is merely a knee-jerk reaction to the musings of one whom is so clearly above them in every conceivable way.

Dane Barbados Jr. has told you on multiple occasions that many of the starlets that you young women vomit up your meals to look like and you young men clutch violently at your microscopic penises in the warm comforts of your Mum's basement are nothing more than base, scullery, red bellied, cumbuckets. And now, my young simpletons, the photographic evidence has revealed such.

Allow us to start with the undoubted Grand Dame of Illiterate Hollywood Cocaine Sniffing Sloredom herself: Paris Hilton.

Now Ms. Hilton, despite looking like a human lollipop, is a freebie. Even those amongst you with a higher than average level of abnormal chromosomes knows, knew, and has known that yes, Paris Hilton is indeed a Super Class-A Whore.

And is incredibly vapid...but that's another story.

She (a term I hesitate to use as I do not truly consider her a woman) set the stage for this newest round of Young Starlet Crotchmeat Theatre.

After seeing her birdlike visage plastered all over your internet in her "infamous" sex tape were any of us truly surprised to see this trollop's used up stench blossom which resembled naught but slightly old pastrami which has started to get that unappetizing, rainbow colored sheen?

Why would any sensible man, outside of animal-like curiosity, really want to see the dried up snatch of a 6-foot tall, 80lb., illiterate, sized 11 show wearing whore? A dried up snatch that has doubtless been pounded and abused by countless men of low stature, low education and lower hygiene?

Though the afore mentioned sex tape we found that Ms.Hilton's sole redeeming virtue is the ability to administer a serviceable blowjob. With a crotch muffin that bears a striking similarity to the souse loaf that Dane Barbados Jr. has seen in your American south one would posit that she had but little choice as no sober man would willing thrust his member into the diseased bear-trap that is her trim.

...Although in the cocaine addled haze that permeates her world such men are most likely not hard to find.

From the Queen Mother of Shameless Whores we now must turn our eyes to the next generation: Britney Spears and Lindsey Lohan.

It's actually quite the riddle, even for Dane Barbados Jr., as to analyzing whom had the fastest burnout and descent into drunken, coke addled, sloredom.

Whilst Britney Spears has been in the spotlight of attention for a longer period of time and is legendary in her slorish ways she, at least, held the semblance of virginal goodness for a period of time (minus the addition of the obvious breast implants that is). "Lilo" on the other hand performed a quite interesting, "blink and you miss it" transformation from talented up and coming starlet to utterly used up hosebag with lightning speed.

There was a time when Dane Barbados Jr. actually saw a bright future for Ms.Lohan. Out of her contemporaries in the vacant young starlet brigade she seemed to possess an actual spark of talent.

...And then she discovered alcohol and cocaine. She has, in an amazingly short amount of time, actually nearly covered the gamut of female physical attributes that are near guaranteed to send your humble, Dane Barbados Jr., into a flurry of rage and vomit:

-Horridly obvious breast implant
-Disgusting rail-thin, coke maven
-Stomach churningly gross fishlike collagen lip implants.
-Dyed blonde hair (on a natural redhead...extra, bile inducing vomitville)
-Revealing a dry, wrinkled, roast beef curtained, chapped looking penis warmer.

Dane Barbados Jr. will berate you, he will laugh at you, but he will not lie to you. He knows naught but when he's seen a recent photog of Ms.Lohan looking anything but an extra who shambled from the set of Schindler's List. How the gorge rises.

In such a short period of years Ms.Lohan, burgeoning slut that she is, has "graced" us all with a view of her sadly distended, fairly repulsive breasts, and lest we forget the amazing view of her underwear-free, mind bogglingly flat and square bare buttocks...revealed at a children's award show no less.

And now she has graced us all with not one, but several, photogs of her beaten and abused looking skirt burger. Dane Barbados Jr. is forced to wonder why her vagina looks red and chapped as if it has spent weeks exposed to the frigid winds of the arctic circle. Is it truly so exposed? Or is it truly so dry and beaten? Either way your humble can express little but outright disgust.

And should a few of you doubt the words of Dane Barbados Jr. when he bestows upon you his words of divine wisdom saying that Lindsey Lohan is an obvious whore just remember that she went to a children's award show in a short dress sans bloomers. Then proceed to bash yourselves in the kidneys for ever having doubted his words.

Those are the sort of brilliant decisions that can only arise from a mind consumed with Peruvian flake and the stagnant semen of many men.

Britney, oh Britney. Once the very image of virginal chastity. An alumnus of your Mickey Mouse Club and all. After getting her first taste of manmeat she has seemingly truly embraced her destiny of becoming a trailer dwelling housefrau.

She as well has seen the rise of her legendary whore factor rise as her, already marginal, musical talent has fallen.

How can we ever forget such amusing incidents as her barely there Las Vegas marriage? Or her absolutely random hotel hot tub fucksession with Joe Random. He must have thought himself the luckiest man alive...until the crabs started feasting on his scrotum.

And oh how her reputation was all but solidified with her blessed (by the patron saint of rednecks no doubt) union with one Mssr. Kevin Federline who may be quite possibly the most repulsive human being to have ever walked Barbados' green earth.

It does, of course, taken a certain level of class and refinement to fellate a man whom you've married even after you knew full well that he was not only a misogynist but also had the delightful quality of abandoning his pregnant girlfriends in full view of the paparazzo.

That type of class can only be created in the teeming stew of trailers, cocaine and cheap "moonshine." Lovely.

I have saved Ms.Spears for the end of this because she truly possesses the most disgusting vagina that Dane Barbados Jr. has seen since the years of being surrounded by the whores who worked beneath the earth in the coal mines of his country.

Even dismissing the leechlike C-section scar Ms.Spears decided to reveal to the world Dane Barbados Jr. is puzzled by a woman whom by all accounts is not only literally filthy but also filthy rich, who clearly has her vagina waxed by small korean women and still manages to have a disturbingly hirsute anus.

A woman with a hair covered turd-cutter is automatically deserving of scorn and disdain. A woman with a hair covered turd-cutter and a waxed spum beacon is simply a though shattering enigma.

It is surely no coincidence that Ms.Spears has been in the vicinity of Ms.Hilton.

It takes a true effort to make a camel toe disgusting. These three women have not only reached that point but greatly surpassed it.

Has the time honored art of the publicity stunt truly been reduced to whipping out the old slurm catcher in view of waiting paparazzo?

Dane Barbados Jr. would like to with raging venereal disease, crippling foamy discharge and sterility on these fine women.

If ever he were to meet any of the three he would greet them with naught but a vicious boot to the worn out box and a veritable monsoon of hateful spittle to rain upon their sunken, lifeless, faces. Feh!

Remember kids, Dane Barbados Jr. says: Any woman who wears a short skirt or dress without underwear is not just a whore...but a dirty whore.


Ah and Tara Reid? Her tits are still nightmare inducing but at least she has had the decently to thus far spare us the sanity destroying view of her no-doubt Predator-like vagina.

For that Ms.Reid...Dane Barbados Jr. thanks you.

And for all you lonely young men whom stumbled upon this whilst Googling, hoping for pictorals of these sad vaginas...Dane Barbados Jr. can only hope that in your furious masturbation that an errant glob of sour semen makes its way past your Coke bottle thick glasses into your bleary eyes and blinds you.

That way you will never see me as I come to administer the Divine Art of the Kidney Punch on you and proceed to copulate with your mothers.

That is all.

Dane Barbados Jr. is human...you all are just subhuman Pt.2

So it took Your Humble five minutes with a folded strip of paper under his finely crafted upper lip to stop the flow of claret from his perfect nostril.

He was off in a flash to his destination.

I picked up my ebony goddess of this particular night, drove to an oft used and familiar, spot and immediately set upon my night's work.

No I did not "skull fuck" this gorgeous damsel nor did I merely satisfy her with the stately rod of Barbados.

No, contrary to popular belief, held amongst troglodytes and cave-dwelling nincompoops Dane Barbados Jr. firmly believes in the concept of sexual equality. Do unto others and all that.

In that spirit of giving there is naught much that Your Humble, Dane Barbados Jr., does share quite possibly his one and only love other than himself: Feasting on a finely made, cleanly shorn, vagina.

Tis truly bliss and a slice of heaven.

As Dane Barbados Jr. is a triple-A class gamesman, cocksman and tonguesman it wasn't long before yon beautiful strumpet was in throes of ecstasy, her hips bucking, her voice undulating in the screams that can only come from the work of I and her vagina uncommonly moist.

It was only later whilst she and I were laying in our shared afterglow a Camel Light poised firmly betwixt my pursed lips did she (not I mind you) realize in the dark of my tinted vehicle that the uncommon wetness of our recent union was not wholly from her womanly dank and the mouth of Barbados.

No, as it turns out a large contingent of said wetness was contributed by a RAGING nosebleed that had occurred whilst I was doing my duty.

Truly you could only imagine her horror. Unfortunately the screams next heard were not of her ecstasy.

Long story characteristically short, as Your Humble was without towels of any measure he offered up his finely tailored dress shirt for the horrified and bloody strumpet to clean herself and drove home, his chiseled physique glistening in the moonlight.

I walking into my house, lower half of my face still covered in a disturbing melange of my claret and her moonflower medicine thinking: "Life is strange. But life is good."

Even Dane Barbados Jr. has moments that you would find embarrassing. He, however, finds it amusing.

Dane Barbados Jr. is human...you all are just subhuman Pt.1

For some reason people (and/or peons) espouse numerous and varied idiocies as to who and what your glorious and humble narrator Dane Barbados Jr. is.

First of all only a inbred troglodyte would think that I, the illustrious one, Dane Barbados Jr. is a hater of women. Dane Barbados Jr. loves women. He merely has disdain for silly, stupid, uneducated, whores with no self-esteem. They, much like yourselves, truly deserve what they get.

Also Your Humble is not above the occasional instance of embarrassment it happens to all, even Godlike images of perfection such as yours truly. It so happens that Dane Barbados Jr.'s one Persian flaw, one point of physical imperfection lead to the bit of embarrassment that will henceforth be revealed.


So Dane Barbados Jr. Is a fan of many things. One of those things are beautiful, scantily clad vixens. Another of those things is copulation with beautiful, scantily clad, vixens. Another is fine, large-body, American sedans. Another is administering cunnilingus. The last of importance to this story is copulating and administering cunnilingus with beautiful, scantily clad, vixens whilst inside of a fine, large-body, American sedan.

**A brief aside**

Many things about American females befuddle and infuriate Your Humble, this is not a secret. There are, however, a myriad of things about American males that Dane Barbados Jr. finds endlessly infuriating.

One of these things is the ancient and mysterious art of administering fine cunnilingus.

There are many legitimate mysteries in the history of this planet Earth, the lost art of the kidney punch is one. Bringing a long and lovely lass to a senses shattering orgasm with a few flickings of a deft tongue isn't one.

Dane Barbados Jr. has heard more than a few American men proclaim that they do not "eat the cooch" also that "twats are ugly." Well those same few American men found themselves broken and spat upon, crying for their guttersnipe mothers for uttering such atrocities.

Men routinely expect women to fellate them. 'Tis only just and fair to return the favor with a bit of crotch whistling is it not? Not that every vagine would be suitable for Dane Barbados Jr's face to be lowered into but you are not he...frankly you should take what you can get.

***end of aside***


Dane Barbados Jr. found himself uncharacteristically bored on a Friday night. The time was of the hour of 11 in the PM.

Realizing that boredom on a Friday was wholly unacceptable Dane Barbados Jr.

The remedy for said situation was a simple one. Your Humble had to do little but dial a number and arrange what I believe you here in the 'States call a "booty call."

Above his dedication to excellence, history of violence and love of a finely crafted breast, Dane Barbados Jr. Is even more known for his unerring promptness. He truly hates to be late.

With this in mind it was nothing short of vexing when keys in hand, hand on the doornob Dane Barbados Jr. was assaulted from his one instance of physical imperfection. The dreaded nosebleed.

Dane Barbados Jr. reviews: Crank

A short foreword. As you all know I, Dane Barbados Jr., usually includes a picture of the movie's poster and/or stills with his reviews.

He could not do this with "Crank" because of the fact that a Google image search of "Crank, movie" yields countless images from a pornographic website by the name of "Yank My Crank."

While Dane Barbados Jr. will never have want of much in the way of pornography due to his unending throng of comely, female, worshippers he oddly does not wish ill feelings upon those who do use it.

He does however show rare pity upon any "man" who would pay money (even your American money) for pornography that is naught but a website filled with handjobs. Yes handjobs.

A quadrapeligic, wheel-chair bound, 98lb., imbecil can get a handjob for free. Barbados Jr. knows this as fact. Why would anyone pay? To those people Dane Barbados Jr. can do naught but urge you to insert a handgun of the largest calibre you can find into your mouth, pull the trigger and take a ride on the much ballyhoo'd Bullet Train for your life is purely and sublimely without worth. No one will mourn your passing and the world would be made a better place by your death.

Now with that out of the way I will now tell you about "Crank" which is quite possibly the best movie Dane Barbados Jr. has ever seen in his life.

Much like "SoaP" Crank delivers well on it's premise. For those of you too stupid or slovenly to know the story centers around Jason Statham (an actor of near Barbadian heights) of "The Transporter" fame playing an underworld hitman by the unlikely name of Chev Chelios. He has been injected by a rival with a drug that will kill him within an hour...unless he keeps his adrenaline pumping at full force that is.

As you would guess this leads to 80 minutes of near-nonstop action and mayhem from barfights to insane car chases, to even more which Dane Barbados Jr. will not spoil for you. Not out of respect for you but out of respect for the movie. Yes I, Dane Barbados Jr., care more about the film than any of you.

The true triumph of the movie is that it truly accomplishes it's goal of being a near-videogame. It ramps up smoothly from semi-realistic action to Action movie action to pure unadulterated cartoon/videogame action.

It has any and everything that any meat eating, herosexual, male would enjoy: dismemberment, toplessness, violence, insane stunts, guns, stereotypes, offensiveness and an insane amount of comedy...which of course means that half of movie reviewers will undoubtedly not understand the movie for what it is and decry it as offensive...as if that wasn't the point.

For what it is it is also well acted. Statham is a veteran of the genre and performs as such. His doctor is performed by Dwight Yokam of all people who shines as a drunken, pot-smoking, post-hippy medicine man delivering laughs for all. And lest he forget Your Humble must mention Amy Smart who, despite being a blonde, Dane Barbados Jr. has always considered "cute." She co-stars as "Chevy's" girlfriend and the director/writer of the film have perfectly nailed what a typical American girlfriend is in the character.

So, see the movie and enjoy it. Such declares Dane Barbados Jr. If you are a male of good standing or a rare female that understands the definition of "fun" then you will find "Crank" satisfying. If you don't like the film you are clearly not worth the attentions of myself, Dane Barbados Jr., and will surely die alone and miserable.

Crank. Dane Barbados Jr. approves.

Dane Barbados Jr. prepares you for: Snakes on a Plane

Yes I go to see it. Yes I will tell you about it. That is all.

***Update***

Dane Barbados Jr. does not apologize for the lag in his posting for truly he does not consider you or your feelings to be worthy of such an action. He will however mention that this horrid Maryland weather with it's seemingly unending days of rain have caused him discomfort in the form of a flooded basement and the verbal and physical berating and beating of the builders of his home.

That being said go see Snakes On A Plane. It is everything that you would expect. A plane. Snakes.

Snakes biting penises. Snakes biting eyeballs. Snakes biting bare breasts. Snakes eating annoying barking Hiltonesque dogs.

Wonderful. But pales in comparison to the movie that your Humble Narrator Dane Barbados Jr. will next review: Crank.

Dane Barbados Jr. Takes a Detour

So, as he may or may not have mentioned, Dane Barbados Jr. was going to post reviews for "The Descent" and "Pluse." I had every intention of posting the aforementioned reviews as each film was memorable in its own way.

And then Your Humble, Dane Barbados Jr., Champion among Men, Master of the Kidney Punch, Heir to the House and Crown Barbados and Likely Defiler of Your Daughter was shocked into a picture of what could only be described as the Bride of Skeletor. A creature of prehistoric age, who last feasted upon a Brontosaurus Burger and has since slowly succumbed to the wastes of hunger. A hunger so fierce that I, Dane Barbados Jr., could only surmise that has forced the body to feed upon itself, sustained naught but by the short-lived explosion of vitality provided the likes of which naught but fine Peruvian Flake (cocaine or llello for the cretins...and yes...that's how "yayo" is spelled).

In his supreme and devine generosity Dane Barbados Jr. will share this picture with you. He does not do this because he loves you, quite the opposite really as Dane Barbados Jr. generally hates you all. No, he does this as a warning. A warning to all you silly American tarts whom starve and purge yourselves to bring your appearance closer to that of the "Celebrities" that you worship. Those great, slothful, nincompoops and slurm-slinging spum buckets who achieved that skeletal figure through a steady diet of semen, cocaine, heroin and a horrendous fear of literature and education.

My little creatins take delight in one of your pithy, American, celebrities. I, Dane Barbados Jr., proudly present to you Nicole Ritchie, The Bride of Skeletor:


Seeing that Dane Barbados Jr. has only to say: young women...pick up a book, pick up a sandwich...enjoy both....but by all means don't stop swallowing, it's rude to spit and Dane Barbados Jr. will not tolerate less. That is all.